I am impossible to heal

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Sitting here on July 4th thinking about my life and what it will be

Thanks to my history of childabuse thanks to my horrible and awful mother, I don't think I will ever find the happiness that I ever want

The reality is that because of my trauma, major depressive disorder, and BPD, that I will not live another day

Well maybe for a bit, but I see myself committing suicide at some point down the line

Whether it be a well through out plan, or me just doing it out of desperation, I wont live for long

I am contemplating whether or not to write my dad and family and all those who abused me suicide notes

while they won't understand why I suicide, they will be left hopefully with a lot of guilt and shame

Here's a draft:

Hi, whoever may be reading this. You might be my dad, grandmother, brother, or one other of my abusers. Yeah I know, blame it on the Zoloft and being depressed for no reason. Heh, you fools won't understand why I committed suicide in the first place. Heres the thing, silly humans. Nobody likes to admit when they pushed someone too far off the edge. You would have to admit to being an abuser, enabler, bully, so on and so forth. But quite frankly you do deserve to feel bad. After all it was you who killed me and....I guess deep down that's what you wanted

Still confused? Ugh, I guess I gotta try and make some more sense

So dad....should I even call you dad? Probably not. I mean you're a weird Christian who hates homosexuals and believes in being pure. Yet....its weird to be pure when you punch your son in the face, yell at your daughter, and do horrible things. Now you won't admit it cause, well, you're a "good Christian". So maybe I am wasting my time with you. I'll leave it at this. You never loved me and I don't love you. Don;t try to act like you ever loved me cause ya don't

Moving onto grandma. God you are such a pain in the ass. Its like I can't live a normal life with you calling every fucking day. you are always thinking the minute you don't get me I am dead or some shit. Seriously get a life and some friends. Though I don't think anyone would want to be friends with a disgusting haggard like you. You abused your children and made them into who they are anyways. So you suck. Go fuck yourself

Aunt. Well, tbh, you're the reincarnation of my mother....

Thats the end of the draft. So....heres the thing, When its finished ill post it to all my social medias, take off my phone and laptop, and jump off a bridge. I'm gonna have to make sure this works cause I don't want to survive and have to deal with an angry mob of self entitled pricks. So when I am ready to die I will let ya'll know :)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Not writing any kind of note ngl. People know what upsets me and I don't really owe them an explanation anyway.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Not writing any kind of note ngl. People know what upsets me and I don't really owe them an explanation anyway.

Thats understandable. For me its cause I know what will hurt my family. For example, I know my dad would be broken so this is a way to rub it in further

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I would have said happy 4th of July, not just to you, to everyone here, but I guess to people like us a holiday would barely have any meaning at this point.
From what I am understanding, these people, the abuse, the violent stuff they did, it is also from family members and not just the stuff on the outside.
You are having at least the final courage and strength to leave a note to them, one that I hope puts them on their place for everything evil that they have done.
For me, I am beyond writing a note, I feel so weak and defeated at times...
Your father, he is like that then? A "Christian" that would try to enforce his beliefs on people. Specially his own daughter and son... That's disgusting! I've hated people like that, that can go pure fanatical just because of their imaginary "God" in the sky. By no way, is it right that he is doing this to you two.
When a parents usually has children, they (the kids) should be allowed to be free and make choices, choices that matter to them the most. Not live under a strict rule of some "prophecy" or some... Ideology based on belief. It's honestly cruel, too cruel. The Bible... That word, I can only associate it with hate at this point. I don't want to sound harsh, offensive or anything like that, but your dad, he needs to understand somehow that saying those things and doing them, it is not right.
Rather than that, I am so sorry again for everything bad happening to you! "Mob of self entitled pricks" - This sounds like the biggest problem with our society nowadays. They are pretty much that, horrible, cold and mostly ignorant asswipes with no sense of mercy, let alone empathy.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I would have said happy 4th of July, not just to you, to everyone here, but I guess to people like us a holiday would barely have any meaning at this point.
From what I am understanding, these people, the abuse, the violent stuff they did, it is also from family members and not just the stuff on the outside.
You are having at least the final courage and strength to leave a note to them, one that I hope puts them on their place for everything evil that they have done.
For me, I am beyond writing a note, I feel so weak and defeated at times...
Your father, he is like that then? A "Christian" that would try to enforce his beliefs on people. Specially his own daughter and son... That's disgusting! I've hated people like that, that can go pure fanatical just because of their imaginary "God" in the sky. By no way, is it right that he is doing this to you two.
When a parents usually has children, they (the kids) should be allowed to be free and make choices, choices that matter to them the most. Not live under a strict rule of some "prophecy" or some... Ideology based on belief. It's honestly cruel, too cruel. The Bible... That word, I can only associate it with hate at this point. I don't want to sound harsh, offensive or anything like that, but your dad, he needs to understand somehow that saying those things and doing them, it is not right.
Rather than that, I am so sorry again for everything bad happening to you! "Mob of self entitled pricks" - This sounds like the biggest problem with our society nowadays. They are pretty much that, horrible, cold and mostly ignorant asswipes with no sense of mercy, let alone empathy.

Yeah he always asks if we pray everyday and stuff. I just say yes cause it tires me out

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@DeathIsTheWayOut99 No way, that's just... No, I really wish he sees what he is having belief in so much is nothing but a way of tormenting others.

 

[Starcitty]

My child abuse has made me suicidal. I'm gonna wait a few years (when I get out of university). If something goes wrong in the couple of years and my life is in anyway ruined then I'm out. I'm using this site to plan ahead.

If I get in trouble with the law or something else bad happens then I can't do it anymore. Our bodies are restrictive and our lives are restricted. I wish I was born way in the past when the internet and most technology didn't exist. At least then I would've lived a more peaceful life (but that depends on your race and sex :( because racism and sexism was worse in the past ).

I'd leave a note because to commit suicide something would've pushed me to it. Also it's best to do it when no one's around to try and save you. I think a lot of stories about someone surviving suicide or surviving some life threatening accident is because someone saved them before they could die.