I am going to fucking lose my shit. No one gets how frustrating I feel right now, I have to deal with so much and honestly I'm only here cuz I feel like I can't let them win, idk who them are either tbh. I just feel like someone or something is trying to ruin my life. It goes downhill and downhill and it really really sucks and unfair how miserable I keep getting. And idk it's starting to feel a little like someone is playing a hand in my downfall. Maybe I'm just losing my shit. Am I losing my shit? Is this paranoia? It never gets better, why doesn't it? I'm so tired you guys I just want to be free. I want to move away from all these memories so I can start fresh and maybe that would help? Would it help? I'm suffering and I have to listen to my parents shit on top of it and it's their fault my life sucks. It's their complete selfish actions and self centered and self serving behaviors that's made my life so hard. If they had just been there for me emotionally and mentally, and just noticed I was hurting I could've gotten help early.. it could've been different. They never helped. All they do is fight and argue and add to my stress and act selfish. Like how can they be so selfish? They act like their lives are so hard, like it's hard for them… but they have no idea what pain actually feels like. I had to face the pain alone from a young age and I'm still hurting, I get so angry when they complain about shit like bills and money cuz I have money issues and mental issues and I never once had an outlet from them yet all they do is come to me with their problems and they're so vocal with their pain and how is that fair to me? I deserved that! It was their job to give me that and they couldn't. They can't. And they should've never been able to have children. It's not fair. I resent them for it, honestly because even now, I have no one. I have to deal with it on my own and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't even have my therapist anymore to talk to about this anymore. And they act like my issues don't exists, like it isn't different for me than them? Like I'm not different than they are. Like there isn't some heavy shit in my head constantly dictating everything and just poisoning my mind all day every day. They just have their heads in their little bubble and it must so nice for them, cuz idk if I can make it another year but hey they'll still have a home even with their so called troubles they'll still have a home and money to do nice things for themselves and money to waste on non important things so I guess their issues are much bigger than mine cuz in a year, my issues might not matter cuz I might be around.
I don't get it. I don't understand how you can choose a life and completely fail your children? Not just one of them either. How do you fail to see signs in them? How do you look at them and not see them changing before your eyes? How do you miss the scars in their arms? How do you miss the light in their eyes just slowly leaving? How do you miss the moment they start withdrawing from you? Cuz the signs are obvious. I'm sorry but they're obvious. And how do you not bother to know your child but expect them to treat you with some sort of respect you never even earned? How is it that they can say they deserve respect when they couldn't even give me the emotional and mental support I needed? I needed that. It wasn't negotiable. It's part of parenting! I bet if I died they'd say they never saw the sign, right? They never thought I'd do that.. that I was happy… they never even tried to help me deal with any of it.. they never had me cuz they wanted me… I was just a convenient idea on a list of things they needed to do as a married couple as part of their sick religion cuz god thinks children are a blessing and society thinks married couples should have children.. how sick is that? That's all I was and the only person paying the price is me, it's always us the children that pays the price for their selfish decisions and they get to keep their eyes closed. I mean I can't even say I was neglected because physically I wasn't and people thinks it's the physical aspect that's worse but it isn't. And on the outside it seems good, but once you look deeper it's not.
I don't know maybe I am just hurting and opening wounds that should be closed by now. Self sabotage by spilling my pain open. I should lock it up, throw the keys away and move on but I feel like people should feel the effects of hurting me. Not physically that's too easy but like mentally and emotionally. Is that weird? I'll probably delete this later. I hate getting too personal on here.
I don't get it. I don't understand how you can choose a life and completely fail your children? Not just one of them either. How do you fail to see signs in them? How do you look at them and not see them changing before your eyes? How do you miss the scars in their arms? How do you miss the light in their eyes just slowly leaving? How do you miss the moment they start withdrawing from you? Cuz the signs are obvious. I'm sorry but they're obvious. And how do you not bother to know your child but expect them to treat you with some sort of respect you never even earned? How is it that they can say they deserve respect when they couldn't even give me the emotional and mental support I needed? I needed that. It wasn't negotiable. It's part of parenting! I bet if I died they'd say they never saw the sign, right? They never thought I'd do that.. that I was happy… they never even tried to help me deal with any of it.. they never had me cuz they wanted me… I was just a convenient idea on a list of things they needed to do as a married couple as part of their sick religion cuz god thinks children are a blessing and society thinks married couples should have children.. how sick is that? That's all I was and the only person paying the price is me, it's always us the children that pays the price for their selfish decisions and they get to keep their eyes closed. I mean I can't even say I was neglected because physically I wasn't and people thinks it's the physical aspect that's worse but it isn't. And on the outside it seems good, but once you look deeper it's not.
I don't know maybe I am just hurting and opening wounds that should be closed by now. Self sabotage by spilling my pain open. I should lock it up, throw the keys away and move on but I feel like people should feel the effects of hurting me. Not physically that's too easy but like mentally and emotionally. Is that weird? I'll probably delete this later. I hate getting too personal on here.
