Help I am getting highly suicidal but I can't choose a method. What does this mean ?

[illAF]

I've been suicidal on and off for years now.

Right now, I am higly suicidal. I am thinking about it aaaall the time. I've just spent hours searching on SaSu, opening dozens of pages on internet, even looking into poisonous plants, looking at the bridges nearby on google earth, thinking of going to jump, thinking of go drown in the river which is in flood now....

You can see my latest posts, it's going all over the place with me asking about different methods. Lol.

So I feel kinda lost now.

If I never take the final step (like I have found SN but I'm staring at the website now and just don't buy it even if I could - like I am staying in my bed, a bit drunk and very tired, thinking I could go to that bridge but I stay stucked in my bed) does that mean I'm not ready ? Does that mean I don't really want to die ? Or am I just scared ? Why can't I just choose a method and stick with it ? Why is it so hard ?

I am completely lost. And I really don't know how I could spend my day tomorrow like nothing happenned, like I haven't spent the night looking for ways to kill my self.

Sorry, I don't know if that post makes any sense, I am tired, a bit drunk and very desesperate.

Guess I just needed to vent and to have an exterior point of view of my situation.

Thank you if you ever read (or even better) answer to that <3

 

[Iris Blue]

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. I know how it feels, to be in so much pain and misery while for everyone else it's just a normal day? It definitely hurts because it's very hard to talk to anyone about feeling suicidal let alone in the process of planning your own undoing.

Picking a method can be hard, lots of people struggle with choosing one and then actually going through with it. I wish I could answer your question of what you really want but that's something only you can figure out. I just hope maybe you find some comfort in knowing not having a method is pretty normal. Lots of risks with each and every one of them along with difficulties in accessing what is needed to do some of the methods.

Hopefully you will feel better in the morning, sending you a hug right now <3

 

[Meditation guide]

I've been thinking about it for three years and in the last six months intensely. I think it's normal when you know you need to die and don't have a clear idea of how to go about it to be very confused. Eventually I will try something, it just takes reaching a level of desperation that overpowers everything else.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I think it's normal snd sensible to be cautious. Attempts can fail with horrible consequences. I think it's important we know what they are and how best to avoid them.

I don't really know when it comes to your mindset. I was kind of surprised by how little I felt when I bought SN. I guess I was a little nervous initially but- seeing how it looked likely it was something that would soon be even more restricted, it just seemed sensible to get it then. I guess with me though- my CTB isn't imminent- I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. So- that maybe takes the pressure off.

I think thought over it is wise though. I didn't exactly fully mentally prepare for a police welfare check- although I suppose I knew it was possible. I think it's good to think everything through. I expect it's mainly fear that holds us back. If we were assured we could do something simple and die peacefully, I think many would do it without hesitation. If you are hesitating though- that's ok too. No point in forcing yourself to do something you're not ready for.

 

[Kore]

The answer to 'what does this mean', I'd say it simply makes you human. Or more so, it makes you the same as all of the other beings on our lil space rock. Every living thing is programmed at the DNA level to fight for survival. Trees fight eachother for light, clawing their roots deeper and deeper. Animals hide and hunt and multiply.

Trying to end existence goes against the instincts passed down since we first became bundles of walking cells. It makes you normal. And, it means you're facing the same issues as the rest of us.

If it were easy to just say 'nope, no more' and ctb, there wouldn't be a SaSu forum. But sadly it's not easy, there is no off switch, and most of the 'easy methods' are purposely made unavailable by governments across most nations. Doing it the wrong way can lead to permanent damage, more pain than you currently experience, and all in all can just make things worse.

So I'd say it's not stupid or over-cautious or anything like that, it's actually wise to take your time and investigate all possibilities. You're doing fine, you got this. Existence isn't going anywhere, you likely have a couple thousand weeks, there's no rush.

If you're ever feeling like this, just do what you have done already - send us a rant. People will support you! You're doing great, keep going

 

[todeswunsch]

I also am constantly changing my method of choice. I do have problems with decisions in general, and for CTB wouldn't be different. But overrall its anxiety
For me its the fear of failing, trying to find the easiest, and the BEST option - and there's never a best one, its always tradeofs.
Everytime I stick to a method, I started to looking at the problems with this method, and try to find a method that won't have said problems. And repeat the cycle.

I don't think its too related with desire to live, but more general anxiety. Its a scary thing that's hard to find reassurance, we're on our own basically.

 

[Yaffle]

Apart from the immense decision to actually CTB whatever the method, therein lies the root problem.

Method!!!

The single biggest issue here is we all have in common no easy to obtain, easy to action, reliable and peaceful method available. We're all juggling the various methods and preferring elements of each but nothing is perfect.

Maybe it's better no method is so easy and perfect as it ensures we 100% want to CTB when the time comes but equally it's damn frustrating that's it's so difficult.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't know what this means for you I can only speak for myself here. When it was clear that I failed in life and it'd be better to CTB asap afew years ago (well unfortunately I'm still stuck here due to other reasons) I decided to leave with CO and charcoal as this is the best method for me. It's still my plan to leave with CO and charcoal when I'm really ready to leave.

 

[illAF]

Thank you all for your kind and generous support. I don't have the energy to answer to each of you individually, but it truly means something, thank you <3

I still feel lost today. I really want to be gone by the end of the year, before my birthday and Christmas would even be better but as I haven't chosen my method yet, I doubt I will be able to ctb so soon. And that is sooo frustrating. Like I've set up a deadline but just can't.

Sometimes I try not to think about it for too long and telling myself, maybe you can survive this, but clearly, the wish to end it all is far more profund....

It's very hard so again, thank you for your kind words.

 

[FakeNewYorker]

am staying in my bed, a bit drunk and very tired, thinking I could go to that bridge but I stay stucked in my bed)

this is so real

 

[plan c]

I suppose most of us struggle a lot when it comes to choosing methods. But I find myself sort of enjoying the process. Searching online is like stuffing my backpack before going on a field trip with my friends, isn't it?

 

[illAF]

I suppose most of us struggle a lot when it comes to choosing methods. But I find myself sort of enjoying the process. Searching online is like stuffing my backpack before going on a field trip with my friends, isn't it?

Glad you enjoy the process. To me it does not feel good at all. I guess, even between suicidal people, we all are different ;)

 

[plan c]

this is so real

Oh I'm good at procrastinating on everything. Maybe even ctb lol

Glad you enjoy the process. To me it does not feel good at all. I guess, even between suicidal people, we all are different ;)

Yeah maybe that applies only to me. Not everyone like going on field trips after all.

 

[illAF]

Oh I'm good at procrastinating on everything. Maybe even ctb lol

Yeah maybe that applies only to me. Not everyone like going on field trips after all.

Yeah, Im also procrastinating everything. I'm really sick of myself, in addition to being sick already ahaa
I think I will try to learn and read more about monoxide. It seems very peaceful if done properly, am I right ? And I really want to die with a smile, in peace.

 

[plan c]

Yeah, Im also procrastinating everything. I'm really sick of myself, in addition to being sick already ahaa
I think I will try to learn and read more about monoxide. It seems very peaceful if done properly, am I right ? And I really want to die with a smile, in peace.

Yeah, methods has something for everyone.