I am feeling like an actual human being who feels comfortable in his own skin - fucking scary

[noname223]

I have extreme stress in college. I take benzos and z-medication to prevent a relapse. The usage of lorazepam is not the problem I take the z-medication an addictive sleeping pill way too often. The last time I tried to sleep without it I slept 5 hours which is not enough to stay sane for me. I only take a half pill which is the lowest dosage. But yesterday I also took a full benzo. I am feeling like in heaven today because of it.

I am an extremely anxious person and the benzo lets me experience how it is like to feel comfortable in my skin. And healthy people enjoy that everyday without the extreme dangerous addictive potential of a benzo.

I can understand why so many people cannot resist benzos. It is a shame the scientists could not develop a drug like that without the addictive nature,
Despite the fact the chilling and relaxing effect is amazing I am determined not to become an addict.

The things I read about benzo withdrawals sound like hell on earth. For me the depiction resembeled a crash from mania into depression. So the most nightmarish shit that I ever experienced.

I am not sure whether my therapists underestimate the risk of the z-medication. They told me 4 times a week is no problem. I think many other professionals would disagree completely on that. Well I take it now 6 days without a break. This night I will try it without them. I am quite anxious.

Addiction scares the shit out of me. I don't want to become an addict. There are many many reasons for that. The stigmatization is probably the worst for me.
There are two things that ease my anxiety about addiction. I am very self-disciplined and when I am determined I don't give a fucking shit how bad somethings feel for me. Like the very concentrated studying and pressure is like torture. I just do it for the very good grades. I probably cannot even hold a job. But damn I am focused on my aim and I want it anyway. Another aim of me is not to become addicted. I think one things is decisive for me. This is only my personal conclusion. It is okay to take the addictive medication to prevent becoming ill. So I take it when I am feeling on the edge of mania or psychosis. Or when I see that coming. However I never take it just to feel better. I think doing that would be a grave mistake.

So I am very scared about the z-medication. I only take the lowest dosage but way too frequently. The good thing so far always when I had vacation I had no problem to quit the medication. Nothing. There were no negative consequences. I think the reason for that is college triggers the shit out of me.

So be aware. Benzos are dangerous as hell.

 

[Illidan77]

oh I believe you.. it IS a hell on earth.. I actually been tapering from 24th Dec.. it was very horrible.. even now i already don't took it, i still kinda struggling..
It can cause PTSD along with so many symptoms, I don't know much about Z-drug.. but from i heard SSRI is the first line for anxiety.
but yes situation play a very major part.
I hope you can find a middle way.. oh well i often heard 'meds should be combined with therapy, meds can only do so much, and like you said situation

 

[jodes2]

Yeah they are pretty dangerous. Another effect of withdrawal is they can make the symptoms you originally used them to treat to come back even stronger. Just be ready for that as well

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Im someone who could really push through feeling like hell for months and years, i did almost a month long fast, and many of 2 weeks fasts, always resisted food cravings, layed in bed sick for years staring at the celling with demons in my mind, going through surgeries and not taking the painkillers..
but now every addiction is gripping my soul especially since life got worse too.

Been taking sleeping pills for a while, at first they hit so hard i lost touch of reality, conversations i dont recall, the memories felt like a dream, waking up in utter confusion.
i lowered the dosage and used only on ocassions
quarter or half of a dose of them made me see double, kinda out of it and calmed me down,20 minutes later i was out, in comparion to the whole pill dosage i did not dislike the feeling.

Figured i could use sleeping pills if i get an overwhelming paranoia off the weed to sleep it off
. And then i figured i could simply prevent and synergize it ,since being cross faded wasnt enough i moved on to being triple faded, weed+alcohol+sleeping pills

But i got into some heavier addictions
And thats because i tried adhd medication theraputically, and i felt like this is probably what a normal person feels like, i slept through the side effects with sleeping pills

And then either tolerance built up or intense adverse reactions began and as im waiting for a neurologist appointment to try to switch meds
I have already been mixing opioids and stimulants and alcohol and whatever else and finish my days with sleeping pills, or even added them to the mix,
a few days ago i snorted 1 pill or 1 and half sleeping pill took 3 valerian capsules and melatonin, didnt work so i proceded to drink 3 beers, still wide awake,

Now im laying in my bed after a very long time of chronic sleep deprivation and its really not fun to not be able to sleep through the withdrawals of some of the substances that i have been taking on a daily.

Only thing that is atleast making it better is that when im so insanly tired and unable to sleep my mind is gone, im deprived of emotions when the tiredness is getting absurd.

Even when i was sober, before any of that happened i was laying in bed at night for hours everyday with suicidal thoughts, waking up from nightmares, that along with being worn out by the daily torment of my existence and physical ilnesses is what drove me into substances,
if you ask me now if i want to go back to being sober id probably say no... i just want the meds to work again, aint that lovely...

The experience of needing medication just to barely feel normal makes it just too depressing for me to handle that feeling on top of everything else while sober, hence, even though i always knew that, i was always afraid to experience it.

Only thing id do different is try VERY hard to keep in mind to use everything in moderation, by my standards that is... but i dont think i could manage to do that to be honest