jbear824
trapped & scared
- Jul 4, 2023
- 381
TL;DR I should do everyone a favor, stop being a such a coward and kill myself.
I am ugly. Like by all measurable objective standards that exist. Especially all of the ones that society has in place and the majority idolize. I am ugly and I'm working on accepting that. And I'm fat. I've been fat for so long because nothing I try, not even the new fancy weight loss drugs (two of which I tried) does anything. I've accepted this. I just try to maintain the weight I currently am.
I'm gay. I mean obviously this is terrible. I mean, a significant portion of the human race wants to just eliminate people like me right out. So that's terrifying. I have to exist around other men who become so offended by my existence that they might just murder me out of rage. Being gay is an overall lonely existence. At least it has been for me. The dating pool is small. Unless you use something like Grindr, trying to find men out in the world is risky. You might flirt with the wrong guy and end up dead. I see nothing special in this part of myself at all. And now there is so much bullshit, and identity competition. Like who can relate to any of that.
I'm a poor. So right off the bat I'm trash. I survive on SSI, so that also makes me a leech. I survive on SSI because my mental health conditions are so severe that I can't function outside of my home. So I can't work. But fine, I don't deserve to live for that and that's fair in some regard. And I'm gonna be homeless in like 4 months. So like...fuck.
I'm mentally ill. I have 3 major conditions and like 5 comorbid conditions. It's ridiculous. I just can't interact with the world without severe pain and discomfort. Both physically and mentally. Basically, I'm fucking useless. I have extreme anxiety. General, social, panic you name it, it's me. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. even when all I do is be at home and have almost no responsibilities. My brain just constantly generates panic and anxiety. Everyday, all day. It's sometimes becomes so emotionally overwhelming, and so physically painful that I just have these hysterical breakdowns that my poor best friend/life partner has to help me through. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. add on top of that the constant suicidality.
I've become bitter and jaded. Nihilistic. I do feel like I'm slowly losing my humanity just a little bit each day.
I look like my father. I hate that I look like him. Whenever I see myself in the mirror I want to kill myself in murderous rage. He did something to me as a kid that I just won't ever discuss with anyone. It's fine. But it disgusts me that I look like him and that I can't afford to make myself look different in any kind of meaningful way. I can't afford basic haircuts. My friend just shaves my head every month. So in top of everything else, I know looking like some white power skin head fuck. And I do not want to be associated with those people. So it just adds to the ugly factor I already mentioned.
My body is disgusting. It's fat, it's saggy, it's sweaty, it smells unless I bathe multiples times a day and that's such a fucking waste of water. I am slowly losing weight. But my fear is what I will look like without the fat. All that skin is going to sag even more. I'll look like a 70 year old at 33. It's so gross. The idea of that... Like if that happens to me, I would want to cut off all that stretchy, saggy skin off with scissors.
I think I'm better off just staying fat. Only because it looks marginally better than the alternative.
I'm just underiable in every conceivable way. And yet I had the audacity to join Grindr. Which is a great place to go if you want to feel even uglier and like absolute shit. People think gay men are cute, but nah, they shallow and vicious. And yet, a guy started talking to me a few days ago. He's cute. He seems nice. He's a bit younger than me. Like 10 years, and to be honest...I feel creepy. Is that creepy? You know I'm trying to be socially aware here. Considerate of where his boundaries are. But omg is my BPD flaring up. It's been a fucking terrible day because of how my BPD is reacting to the introduction of this guy into my life for just a few days. It just feels awful. Ive already cried over this guy because I think I'm kidding myself here.
He hasn't event gotten the big facts yet. You know, I'm poor, fat, mentally ill, immune tly homeless and constantly suicidal. So what, I just have to hope that he's a Paragon of understanding and will overlook all of that and MAYBE friends me, let alone anything else.
I'm fooling myself and probably wasting both our time. But I'm fucking lonely. I've never had a boyfriend, or even just another queer friend. And I'm probably just gonna scare this dude right off. I'm expecting to be blocked as soon as any of these "qualities" of mine come up in conversation.
I just want to drop dead. There's an overpass near my house, I'm thinking of just going right over it. Fuck me. My existence is an insult to life.
I am ugly. Like by all measurable objective standards that exist. Especially all of the ones that society has in place and the majority idolize. I am ugly and I'm working on accepting that. And I'm fat. I've been fat for so long because nothing I try, not even the new fancy weight loss drugs (two of which I tried) does anything. I've accepted this. I just try to maintain the weight I currently am.
I'm gay. I mean obviously this is terrible. I mean, a significant portion of the human race wants to just eliminate people like me right out. So that's terrifying. I have to exist around other men who become so offended by my existence that they might just murder me out of rage. Being gay is an overall lonely existence. At least it has been for me. The dating pool is small. Unless you use something like Grindr, trying to find men out in the world is risky. You might flirt with the wrong guy and end up dead. I see nothing special in this part of myself at all. And now there is so much bullshit, and identity competition. Like who can relate to any of that.
I'm a poor. So right off the bat I'm trash. I survive on SSI, so that also makes me a leech. I survive on SSI because my mental health conditions are so severe that I can't function outside of my home. So I can't work. But fine, I don't deserve to live for that and that's fair in some regard. And I'm gonna be homeless in like 4 months. So like...fuck.
I'm mentally ill. I have 3 major conditions and like 5 comorbid conditions. It's ridiculous. I just can't interact with the world without severe pain and discomfort. Both physically and mentally. Basically, I'm fucking useless. I have extreme anxiety. General, social, panic you name it, it's me. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. even when all I do is be at home and have almost no responsibilities. My brain just constantly generates panic and anxiety. Everyday, all day. It's sometimes becomes so emotionally overwhelming, and so physically painful that I just have these hysterical breakdowns that my poor best friend/life partner has to help me through. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. add on top of that the constant suicidality.
I've become bitter and jaded. Nihilistic. I do feel like I'm slowly losing my humanity just a little bit each day.
I look like my father. I hate that I look like him. Whenever I see myself in the mirror I want to kill myself in murderous rage. He did something to me as a kid that I just won't ever discuss with anyone. It's fine. But it disgusts me that I look like him and that I can't afford to make myself look different in any kind of meaningful way. I can't afford basic haircuts. My friend just shaves my head every month. So in top of everything else, I know looking like some white power skin head fuck. And I do not want to be associated with those people. So it just adds to the ugly factor I already mentioned.
My body is disgusting. It's fat, it's saggy, it's sweaty, it smells unless I bathe multiples times a day and that's such a fucking waste of water. I am slowly losing weight. But my fear is what I will look like without the fat. All that skin is going to sag even more. I'll look like a 70 year old at 33. It's so gross. The idea of that... Like if that happens to me, I would want to cut off all that stretchy, saggy skin off with scissors.
I think I'm better off just staying fat. Only because it looks marginally better than the alternative.
I'm just underiable in every conceivable way. And yet I had the audacity to join Grindr. Which is a great place to go if you want to feel even uglier and like absolute shit. People think gay men are cute, but nah, they shallow and vicious. And yet, a guy started talking to me a few days ago. He's cute. He seems nice. He's a bit younger than me. Like 10 years, and to be honest...I feel creepy. Is that creepy? You know I'm trying to be socially aware here. Considerate of where his boundaries are. But omg is my BPD flaring up. It's been a fucking terrible day because of how my BPD is reacting to the introduction of this guy into my life for just a few days. It just feels awful. Ive already cried over this guy because I think I'm kidding myself here.
He hasn't event gotten the big facts yet. You know, I'm poor, fat, mentally ill, immune tly homeless and constantly suicidal. So what, I just have to hope that he's a Paragon of understanding and will overlook all of that and MAYBE friends me, let alone anything else.
I'm fooling myself and probably wasting both our time. But I'm fucking lonely. I've never had a boyfriend, or even just another queer friend. And I'm probably just gonna scare this dude right off. I'm expecting to be blocked as soon as any of these "qualities" of mine come up in conversation.
I just want to drop dead. There's an overpass near my house, I'm thinking of just going right over it. Fuck me. My existence is an insult to life.
