I am defeated, i am so insignificant

[hellispink]

i wonder sometimes how it feels to be loved,
how it feels to be accepted, not rejected. I am so replaceable, and even though we are all to certain extent, I feel like a ant , like a rat that walks by lonely , meaningless existence. This world is full of shit, me included. I regret my existence, it is not a gift, rather it is a fucking punishment i cant see to escape from. I am tired of breathing me, of feeling my skin my feelings my brain, i am tired of looking at this damn mirror, i will break it and shatter it to pieces just like my heart has been all over these years. My soul is scattered , i feel defeated , more than usual. Not even writing can help anymore. I guess it is just me feeling trapped in this fucking hell, i wanna get t fuck out of this hell, convert me into ashes leave no stone , i am so useless. I wonder what would have made my mother love me, i wonder what would have make others not abandon me. Fck, i wish i could blow this brain out

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence could never be a gift to me as well. That idea is quite insane to me, instead I see existing as being such a horrific thing, it's so tragic how all this unnecessary suffering continues to exist. But your wish to leave is understandable as it's certainly so awful feeling trapped in a situation of endless torture. Being free from this world is also ideal to me as well, only it's just not straightforward to finally be gone, unfortunately.

 

[Rational man]

i wonder sometimes how it feels to be loved,
how it feels to be accepted, not rejected. I am so replaceable, and even though we are all to certain extent, I feel like a ant , like a rat that walks by lonely , meaningless existence. This world is full of shit, me included. I regret my existence, it is not a gift, rather it is a fucking punishment i cant see to escape from. I am tired of breathing me, of feeling my skin my feelings my brain, i am tired of looking at this damn mirror, i will break it and shatter it to pieces just like my heart has been all over these years. My soul is scattered , i feel defeated , more than usual. Not even writing can help anymore. I guess it is just me feeling trapped in this fucking hell, i wanna get t fuck out of this hell, convert me into ashes leave no stone , i am so useless. I wonder what would have made my mother love me, i wonder what would have make others not abandon me. Fck, i wish i could blow this brain out

Your pain is very obvious. Incidentally, if i may just say regarding existence. You cannot regret existence because each of us arrived in this world and we didnt choose to arrive. Our parents might regret having us because my parents did regret having me and they made it known to me. Regarding love and to be loved is entirely subjective and it is from the point of acceptance that we feel safer in the company of others. I hope you find focus on your thoughts because to be honest life is a struggle for everyone unless they're be dishonest.

 

[Rairii]

I feel those feelings a lot. I especially used to spend many hours a night wondering what I could've done differently to make my family love me, wondering if I was a totally different person would they love me. I realized it wouldn't matter who I was, they would always hate me because they needed someone to hate and blame their problems on. I just happened to be the youngest and easiest target for them, if I was born in a different birth order maybe I could have experienced less but then someone else would have got my burden. I don't know, I know I don't know your situation or who you are but I'm a strong believer that if a parent ends up hating their child then that's on the parent not the kid. Most "normal" parents seem to love their kids unconditionally, even those who commit crimes. It still doesn't take away the hurt whether you believe such things or not though, so it's not like a cure all or whatever.

i don't really have much more to say but you're not alone in what you're feeling. the pain you feel is all too real and an unfortunate reality, one I wish didn't exist but yet here we are.