I feel so fucking lonely. I heard sex with strangers feels very lonely. I think if it saves someone from committing suicide it seems a justified action.
I got a rejection of a woman because I am a mental wreck that cannot work. I think she thinks we could never have a family. Which is the simple truth. I dived into that epsiode in a different thread. Actually my friends made some good points that it sounds pretty paranoid.
sanctioned-suicide.net
I had the money by far. The ethics behind it. Somewhat questionable. But I think I certainly would not be her worst customer. I heard men are turning to onlyfans creators after rejection after rejection. I think I prefer to fall in love with a sex worker which is utterly unrealistic. I think I would be a guy that could never differentiate between sex and feelings.
Last October I was really acute suicidal after a rejection which was not even a clear rejection. Sort of similar to this evening. But I really felt like I am at my pain limit. I am cannot cope anymore. I am on the edge of suicide and something really big had to happen to stop me from it.
I almost took the SN on October 15th. My two closest friends called the police. Otherwise I would probably be dead now. I certainly don't blame them. They might would have gotten a severe legal penalty for not stopping me. I updated them on my SN plan in a live chat. I already took everything except the SN. I had my mouth at the glass. Then the police ringed on my door. I had a one week nightmare stay in a clinic for acute suicidal people. A patient committed suicide and I was 100% convinced for 24 hours that I was responsible for trigggering her. I thought the whole clinic and all the staff would hate me and demand now to commit suicide the next. Lol. This feeling was really insane. I took a lot of benzos but it did not help much. I vented the whole day in this forum. I checked my theory with data. And it turned out I could not trigger her with my suicide talk because she left the clinic two hours before I said things that could easily trigger suicidal people. I went through hell and back. It was insane. I even considered to start being a believer which would just be a religious delusion in my case. Lol. I notice every time I become religious I become paranoid too.
After my one week stay at the psychiatry the woman who rejected me was again interested in me. Retrospectively I have to say she played with me the whole time. She certainly was not worth to kill myself over her. I started therapy again. And I felt really on the edge. I thought about the things I want to do before ctb. I had reading Infinite Jest on my list. I completed that in December I think. Another thing on the list was true love. And additionally having sex for the first time. I was really contemplating to see a sex worker. I checked some of them. Sent pictures to my friends and asked them for advice. There was one woman I texted with. But she seemingly offered sex without protection and my friends called that a massive red flag. This increaed my anxiety to get an STD if I continued with my plan.
I cancelled my plan. One New Year's eve I had the annual party with my friends. I was in better mood than usual with no apparant reason. I almost killed myself 2,5 months beforehand. But I felt positive. And on 2nd January I had a match on a dating app. It really developed well. We had an amazing month together. I made some sexual experiences. The whole thing crumbled and collapsed after our first meeting. She had borderline and I realized it when the whole thing was almost over. The time was so amazing. Our first month was so so so good for my soul. She became more and more abusive though. I even considered today to text her again and my friends highly adviced against that.
However, this incident is a proof miracles can indeed happen. I did not change my profile but since one month I don't get any matches or likes anymore on my dating apps. But this should not be a sign it is hopeless. I am pretty good at texting many women told me that. I just need the chance. The borderline woman from that dating app had herpes on her lips (not on genitalia) and it made me so fucking anxious after our kisses. I think the same or even worse could happen after sex with a sex worker. This is my main argument against it.
And I hope I can find other things which stop me from driving me over the edge. I crave so much intimacy and love. And my illnesses make it so damn hard. Especially my paranoia. But maybe it is not utterly hopeless even if it feels like that. I even told the woman from the dating app I considered to see a sex worker beforehand. I explained how much I craved intimacy and that I had the theory it could improve my mental health a lot. And she told me it seems to be a logical conclusion and she would have done that in my case. She was pretty liberal on sex and saw no problem on that.
I got a rejection of a woman because I am a mental wreck that cannot work. I think she thinks we could never have a family. Which is the simple truth. I dived into that epsiode in a different thread. Actually my friends made some good points that it sounds pretty paranoid.
Something extremely cruel and painful just happened in my self-help group it is tearing me apart
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-think-i-have-a-new-crush.204999/ Something extremely cruel and painful happened. So I texted my crush last Tuesday she did not respond much. I think she realized I am Mental wreck that will never be able to work because I spilled the tea in one of our...
sanctioned-suicide.net
I had the money by far. The ethics behind it. Somewhat questionable. But I think I certainly would not be her worst customer. I heard men are turning to onlyfans creators after rejection after rejection. I think I prefer to fall in love with a sex worker which is utterly unrealistic. I think I would be a guy that could never differentiate between sex and feelings.
Last October I was really acute suicidal after a rejection which was not even a clear rejection. Sort of similar to this evening. But I really felt like I am at my pain limit. I am cannot cope anymore. I am on the edge of suicide and something really big had to happen to stop me from it.
I almost took the SN on October 15th. My two closest friends called the police. Otherwise I would probably be dead now. I certainly don't blame them. They might would have gotten a severe legal penalty for not stopping me. I updated them on my SN plan in a live chat. I already took everything except the SN. I had my mouth at the glass. Then the police ringed on my door. I had a one week nightmare stay in a clinic for acute suicidal people. A patient committed suicide and I was 100% convinced for 24 hours that I was responsible for trigggering her. I thought the whole clinic and all the staff would hate me and demand now to commit suicide the next. Lol. This feeling was really insane. I took a lot of benzos but it did not help much. I vented the whole day in this forum. I checked my theory with data. And it turned out I could not trigger her with my suicide talk because she left the clinic two hours before I said things that could easily trigger suicidal people. I went through hell and back. It was insane. I even considered to start being a believer which would just be a religious delusion in my case. Lol. I notice every time I become religious I become paranoid too.
After my one week stay at the psychiatry the woman who rejected me was again interested in me. Retrospectively I have to say she played with me the whole time. She certainly was not worth to kill myself over her. I started therapy again. And I felt really on the edge. I thought about the things I want to do before ctb. I had reading Infinite Jest on my list. I completed that in December I think. Another thing on the list was true love. And additionally having sex for the first time. I was really contemplating to see a sex worker. I checked some of them. Sent pictures to my friends and asked them for advice. There was one woman I texted with. But she seemingly offered sex without protection and my friends called that a massive red flag. This increaed my anxiety to get an STD if I continued with my plan.
I cancelled my plan. One New Year's eve I had the annual party with my friends. I was in better mood than usual with no apparant reason. I almost killed myself 2,5 months beforehand. But I felt positive. And on 2nd January I had a match on a dating app. It really developed well. We had an amazing month together. I made some sexual experiences. The whole thing crumbled and collapsed after our first meeting. She had borderline and I realized it when the whole thing was almost over. The time was so amazing. Our first month was so so so good for my soul. She became more and more abusive though. I even considered today to text her again and my friends highly adviced against that.
However, this incident is a proof miracles can indeed happen. I did not change my profile but since one month I don't get any matches or likes anymore on my dating apps. But this should not be a sign it is hopeless. I am pretty good at texting many women told me that. I just need the chance. The borderline woman from that dating app had herpes on her lips (not on genitalia) and it made me so fucking anxious after our kisses. I think the same or even worse could happen after sex with a sex worker. This is my main argument against it.
And I hope I can find other things which stop me from driving me over the edge. I crave so much intimacy and love. And my illnesses make it so damn hard. Especially my paranoia. But maybe it is not utterly hopeless even if it feels like that. I even told the woman from the dating app I considered to see a sex worker beforehand. I explained how much I craved intimacy and that I had the theory it could improve my mental health a lot. And she told me it seems to be a logical conclusion and she would have done that in my case. She was pretty liberal on sex and saw no problem on that.
