Story I am being forced to ctb by my partner / father

[GoneGoneGone]

So you're actually stuck with your partner now ?

Yes, exactly so. And he's frustrated with me because I'm depressed. I asked to be left alone and that I would leave once the restrictions are lifted, but then he throws a scandal about breaking up.

 

[VolatilePotato]

Wait...I'm confused. You dad is your partner? Or both are forcing? And do you WANT to ctb? He can't force you. That's murder

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Wait...I'm confused. You dad is your partner? Or both are forcing? And do you WANT to ctb? He can't force you. That's murder

Lol only now I realized how weird the title sounds. No, no incest here. Please read the OP if you have the patience.
I had a major medical issue, and after it I fell into depression, PTSD, and agoraphobia. My partner abroad forces me to snap out of depression and go out, and my father in my home country does the same thing.
I want to ctb because I doubt I'll get better soon. But I don't want to do it cause I'm bullied by one of the two.
I would love to spend some time alone and at home in my old room, and then ctb when I feel ready and not frantic and in a frenzy because the people around me want me to snap out of depression...

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yes, exactly so. And he's frustrated with me because I'm depressed. I asked to be left alone and that I would leave once the restrictions are lifted, but then he throws a scandal about breaking up.

O_o Yeah so sorry but the guy seems somewhat an ass now actually. It's not going to be easy and I don't know if it's a good advice but I suggest you keep low profile with him until curfew is over and then try to recover in your home country with your mother. If you think you can do that then do it, give a chance to recovery, exhaust all the possibilities before doing something so drastic as ctb. I don't have all the perspectives here so maybe it's not a good advice and you could turn things differently but I guess that's what I'd try to do.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

O_o Yeah so sorry but the guy seems somewhat an ass now actually. It's not going to be easy and I don't know if it's a good advice but I suggest you keep low profile with him until curfew is over and then try to recover in your home country with your mother. If you think you can do that then do it, give a chance to recovery, exhaust all the possibilities before doing something so drastic as ctb. I don't have all the perspectives here so maybe it's not a good advice and you could turn things differently but I guess that's what I'd try to do.

Omg yes yes yes exactly! I don't know if he's a good guy or not. He said he would stay with me no matter what, and since the lockdown he's been cooking and cleaning. But from time to time he gets frustrated and barks orders "can you actually clean the bedroom and change the bedsheets?" "can you clean the kitchen?" or his favorite "if you cooked for your ex, why don't I also deserve that you cook for me too?" I was in another state of mind and another age when I used to cook for my ex... I guess we will see the truth this week if he actually ends up taking me to a ward...

Back home there is my nutjob father who invariably says "you are a useless mediocre whore for not having a career and not having married." Plus he's an alcoholic who may become physically abusive. I don't know what and who is worse. Plus I will be the talk of my tiny town for having gone cuckoo abroad with no career, no husband etc. So yeah most days I don't know what to try to hang onto. My obsession with ctb consumes me.

Thank you for all the advice.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I maybe going to sound rude and that'll seem easy to say but seriously, fuck your dad and the people in your home town. You have enough to do with your own problems for caring about their opinion. If their life was worth living they wouldn't even care about your stuff and wouldn't judge you. They just fucking suck and are useless to you if they are so retarded. Sorry again for sounding rude but it just infuriates me.
Go to your home country, to your own place, not in your parents house and as you said, bring your mom with you as she seems to be supportive and would agree to help you. It'll be easier for you to make progress in your recovery if you care about her, I mean trying to be more and more autonomous to prevent her from having to do your own stuff. As you said, you don't want to be a burden to her, so it might help you to "improve".

But from time to time he gets frustrated and barks orders "can you actually clean the bedroom and change the bedsheets?" "can you clean the kitchen?" or his favorite "if you cooked for your ex, why don't I also deserve that you cook for me too?" I was in another state of mind and another age when I used to cook for my ex... I guess we will see the truth this week if he actually ends up taking me to a ward...

Have you talked with your partner about that ? That it was a different time and that those kind of commentary from him don't help at all.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Hi friends,

I need to bump the thread and hope it won't annoy anyone. If I should start another one, please let me know. I am currently having another mini major meltdown but this time I have the SN at hand so I just feel like gulping it down. I'm frantic and in a frenzy and very much ready to hurt myself (at least by cutting or smth)

UPDATE 3:
I was NOT taken to a psych ward. I took a Valium, had a very mature conversation on the phone with my psychiatrist, and I explained to him that I would like all issues related to my care to be discussed in confidentiality with me, and not through my partner, who due to cultural differences believes that not cleaning around the house is akin with suicidal ideation.

UPDATE 4:
I had another fight with my SO because of stupid household stuff (I didn't clean). I can understand the frustration as with Corona we are a bit crammed, but I just had a meltdown shouting that this isn't a museum, and this has made me again super suicidal. Anyhow, I am frantic and frenzied and want to be left alone but don't want to die because I don't know if I'm paranoid or my SO is obsessed with cleaning so maybe he is a bit abusive? Like I cannot tell if he is right or if he exaggerates. The 'chemist' from yesterday also scared me a lot about SN, I thought it was peaceful but now I'm convinced I will asphyxiate and I almost drowned when I was little so I know the awful feeling.

Could anyone please give me some advice? Am I imagining or is my SO a stickler for cleanliness, or maybe I do not see the dirtiness because I'm depressed?

Thank you for reading.

 

[Apathy79]

Without actually seeing the place it's hard to tell. But fights with partners are a dime a dozen, why take it so seriously?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Without actually seeing the place it's hard to tell. But fights with partners are a dime a dozen, why take it so seriously?

Well obviously I cannot put a pic up...
All our stuff is put in closets or drawers etc. I forgot a laundry wash in the washing machine, forgot to put it in the dryer, and he found a towel on the floor. I'm seriously doubting this is big stuff.
I've had two serious relationships before and I never remember a fight over laundry, sometimes my SO would do it if I forgot, sometimes I'd do it if the person forgot.

The problem is that everyday there is something. Yesterday it was the laundry, a couple of days before it was that I was eating too much, a couple of days prior that I wasn't doing sports. Obviously
I'm depressed so my range of what I can do is seriously limited.

But what do I do, ctb because he is unhappy? Threatening with suicide because he doesn't leave me alone is not healthy either. I just fail to understand why he pushes. If he's unhappy, he can dump me after the curfew.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I already told you he is demented. If he consider stuff are not clean then why don't he clean himself ? Just tell him that "Clean so you can show me how much you want it to be clean."

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I already told you he is demented. If he consider stuff are not clean then why don't he clean himself ? Just tell him that "Clean so you can show me how much you want it to be clean."

)) He says he doesn't have time to clean because he works 'for me.' I asked if his salary goes into my bank account. He had that job many years before we became a couple.

He also thinks that cleaning is intrinsically tied to my suicidality. If I clean, this means I can feel useful, so I will feel better. If I do not clean, I'm clearly suicidal so he can use it to threaten me with the ward. I don't understand why instead of death discussions, we don't have a mature conversation about how difficult my mental health is for him. And then we stay together or break up. I don't see why I always need to end up in a ward.

 

[Apathy79]

All of those things you mentioned are tied to your suicidality in his view. But I think you've answered your own question. Either you can have an honest discussion about it or you don't trust him not to use it against you, in which case the relationship is shaky and these arguments probably escalate to a boiling point.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I'm going to be devil's advocate for a second. My SO of ten years will sometimes get irritated at my lack of cleaning. Sometimes, it's the depression and I can't even get out of bed BUT sometimes I know I should do more. Additionally, I don't see the messiness when I'm depressed. Sometimes, he will ask my to do something and I take great offence to it and accuse him of being too bossy. But when we talk it out, he will (rightly) say that he was simply asking for help.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it seems everyone is out to get us, but they're just trying to get through this life like we are.

Of course, this could totally not be the case with you. I think either way, that it's VERY frustrating to watch those you love go through depression and sometimes those frustrations come out wrong? Like I say, just being devil's advocate!

 

[Iloveyouall]

I don't understand why instead of death discussions, we don't have a mature conversation about how difficult my mental health is for him.

Tell him that and that cleaning may make feel HIM that you feel useful but that's not how it works for you.