Venting I am becoming more cynical and jaded the more I prolong my CTB

[UnluckyBastard]

I have access to a firearm but I still cant get rid of my natural survival impulse. Due to this, I catch myself snapping at people. The friends I have left and my "family" dont talk to me anymore Unless they need somethin because of this. I suppose I should count my blessings that no one will try to stop me when I finally do it. Things I would find mildly annoying are now points of anger and disress. Tragety no longer makes me cry. I tell myself "They deserve it for being x y and z", or "They're stupid because they did/didnt do x y and z". In a way, its liberating. At the same time, however, my old self would be disgusted with what I've become. I snapped at my folks today over a mundane question, and I have yet to apoligize. I really don't want to. Not because I hate them or anything, its just that I've apoligized so many times for my mistakes that it feels like im prostrating myself before them in order to gain their approval. I shouldn't have to apoligize for my existence or what I am. I already know that. An apology now seems like a complete surrender. I will no longer feel sorry.