lost_one
Once
- Nov 3, 2024
- 44
So I would like to live, but I would like a meaningful, calmer life. I would like to be happy, have a girlfriend, have a job that I like. The problem is that I hate myself, I have hated myself since I was 14 years old and that is why I have always isolated myself, not that I was able to make friends before that, but I stopped trying and became a "grumpy" person and I isolated myself from other people, because I believe that I am human garbage and should not be around anyone, because I have nothing good to offer anyone. I have this guilt that eats away at me inside, which I have not been able to get rid of no matter what I do, I have been in therapy with 4 different therapists for 3 years and nothing.
To get back to my point, I would like to live, but not the way I have been living until now, if that is the case I would rather die soon, I am tired of all this suffering and all this pain. I'm tired of going around in circles, of trying and failing and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to turn 27 and cry about it, because I'm still trash and a failure and a monster.
My previous solution was to try to isolate myself and be happy alone in the world, but it doesn't work, I'm weak and loneliness is too much for me. I wish someone in the world cared about my existence, I wish someone would look at me and say don't kill yourself, we can find a way, but I know that if I die today no one will cry for me (which is actually a good thing if I'm actually going to kill myself, I won't be hurting anyone by doing it)
No one loves me if they talk about everything I've been through and everything bad I've done, so killing myself seems like the least painful option.
The truth is that I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm a coward and I'm scared, I don't know if I'll make it this time, but this time I chose a nitrogen exit bag which is a less painful and more effective way to cut your wrists.
I am tired of this life, and I don't know what to do anymore ( for context I have hated myself since I was 14, but been depressed since I was 12, I am now 26, 27 in may)
I think I have posted other times very similar text to this, here and on reddit...So many times that it mfeels repetitive and I feel like I am annoying people at this point)
To get back to my point, I would like to live, but not the way I have been living until now, if that is the case I would rather die soon, I am tired of all this suffering and all this pain. I'm tired of going around in circles, of trying and failing and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to turn 27 and cry about it, because I'm still trash and a failure and a monster.
My previous solution was to try to isolate myself and be happy alone in the world, but it doesn't work, I'm weak and loneliness is too much for me. I wish someone in the world cared about my existence, I wish someone would look at me and say don't kill yourself, we can find a way, but I know that if I die today no one will cry for me (which is actually a good thing if I'm actually going to kill myself, I won't be hurting anyone by doing it)
No one loves me if they talk about everything I've been through and everything bad I've done, so killing myself seems like the least painful option.
The truth is that I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm a coward and I'm scared, I don't know if I'll make it this time, but this time I chose a nitrogen exit bag which is a less painful and more effective way to cut your wrists.
I am tired of this life, and I don't know what to do anymore ( for context I have hated myself since I was 14, but been depressed since I was 12, I am now 26, 27 in may)
I think I have posted other times very similar text to this, here and on reddit...So many times that it mfeels repetitive and I feel like I am annoying people at this point)
