i am an empty vessel

[want2dienow]

translation: I know i'm losing it, i want to stop trying, but at the same time, i cant. i want to die so badly alex, but i cant. when i put the knife to my heart, my throat, i cant stab it, i cant slice it. even though i try i cant, it feels like a physical wall fighting against.
im sorry im the one anti-social one, im not i cant' do anything; it doesnt matter whether i feel i can i cant. so when i saw i want to die, but i cant i mean it.

sorry im such a slug, i didnt want to believe it then, but now, i see its the truth. i spend two eyars denying and saying it wasnt true, and with inverse, i was wrong, its true. i was denying the wrong thing all this time.

so yes, he was right. will i be able to CTB? probably not; part of this slug and fialure is not being able to suicide, do anything, be normal get along with anyone even those around here—there, groups, gathering.

i was tried of bleeding my wallet dry to now and being the dork who had to pay someone to so much as talk to, becuase no one else outside that would so much as lend me a time of day. i had to swallow pills in an attempt to force me to fit in with everybody else and be like everybody else or be an outcast otherwise.
do what everone else does, always the same path.

now ive done it, rambled and shown my ridiculous craziness. but oh well, im not surprised it was bound to come eventually—now
ive seen how grim it, forever tormented by dreams of failed fruition and inability suicide, pensiveness for decades

i am a slug who ought to die
i am a slug who cant kill himself.

 

[Graytaichi]

Do u know everyone has SI. Your SI is strong so it makes u fearful of dying . You are not A slug evryone has SI . Survival Instint. Its good to have strong SI so dont die first until all is end. Idk your situation but stabbing yourself would most likely put u in hospital then psy ward.

 

[want2dienow]

Do u know everyone has SI. Your SI is strong so it makes u fearful of dying . You are not A slug evryone has SI . Survival Instint. Its good to have strong SI so dont die first until all is end. Idk your situation but stabbing yourself would most likely put u in hospital then psy ward.

thanks for hearing me . at least. even though this writing style reminds me of him.
i' sure im at my end, afer denying everyhing he said to me then, was wrong, becuase it was true.
i've been in the psych ward, i never had someone normal/real to talk to, i was always told to 'call the hotlines for mentals'. i only have these shoddy items to do it.
what do i have? i dont think i have anything anymore.

i cant work; i'm too weak, im too suicidial, i cannot work for 1 day, i have poor feet after sugrery, i cannot stand for more than 2 hours; i have metal rods in my ankles that give me chronic pain everyday. the surgey i had in 2006 is that. i have bad eyes, i'm legally blind accoridng my docot in 2018, i had corrective eye suergy when i was only months old, my vision gotten worse, my glasses percsitino is so strong the lens its is table-thick. i still have bad vision,. i'm'm ugly to other gay i cant show my face anymore. i have no money, im not on disability, i dont have anyone, i dont have family, my mother did wished me aborted im just here exisiting , wasting space that should be squashed as a slug.

wiritng, progamming everything ive done doesn't matter, is nothing in reality.

the only thing keeping me not at end was what i showed in my posts, but that will soon come to an end and i dont want to bear the pain and agony it will be then, so i try to get this suicide over with but i cant.

everytime i post, talk, everyone leaves. i'm just a rambling slug. but i'm opening up, right? is it bad, i was told not, but its always yeilded bad to anyone whom i didnt have to pay to care. i so pathetic you can immedately tell he was right, i need to day. i am an annoying slug.

 

[FogFilledLife]

We're all empty vessels, some of us just argue over being less empty.

 

[want2dienow]

i am an empty vessel thats reached its end today. i no logner have anything left. im tormented by everything i failed to do, and by my dreams (nightmares )