I am alone.

[CowsAreCool]

I used to have everything. A great big group of friends, athletics, family. Then this pandemic hit and I've lost everything.

I couldn't handle online classes. Anxiety got the best of me. I dropped out of college.

I decided to return to college but far away from home. I was stupid and arrogant and thought I could handle the world on my own. I moved in with 3 complete stranger roommates. It's been 6 months and I don't even know their names (how is that even possible). I don't leave my room. I have lost all contacts with my high school and college friends. I haven't texted or spoken to one in nearly 6 months. My family calls me every 2 weeks. I pretend I'm fine. That's the only social contact I have.

I hide in my room all day. My anxiety is still paralyzing. I haven't met a single person here. I deleted social media. It was too depressing.

I am completely and totally isolated. I am alone. I have tried to fix it. I tried to find a club to join or people to meet. It takes so much effort to talk to people, I just end up giving up and watching tv and crying. I'm pathetic.

I used to be a competitive collegiate rower. Now I'm borderline overweight. I hate my life but I cannot fix it. I went from having everything to having nothing. I'm far away from home and alone.

I return home for the holidays. I will have a great time with my family and my pets, and maybe even visit my college friends and reconnect. Then, before I fly back to my cave, I'll CTB somewhere I feel at home. If I can even manage to do that.

 

[meetapple]

Is counseling available as part of your university's services?

 

[CowsAreCool]

Is counseling available as part of your university's services?

Telehealth over zoom. Which is really terrible.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I used to have everything. A great big group of friends, athletics, family. Then this pandemic hit and I've lost everything.

I couldn't handle online classes. Anxiety got the best of me. I dropped out of college.

I decided to return to college but far away from home. I was stupid and arrogant and thought I could handle the world on my own. I moved in with 3 complete stranger roommates. It's been 6 months and I don't even know their names (how is that even possible). I don't leave my room. I have lost all contacts with my high school and college friends. I haven't texted or spoken to one in nearly 6 months. My family calls me every 2 weeks. I pretend I'm fine. That's the only social contact I have.

I hide in my room all day. My anxiety is still paralyzing. I haven't met a single person here. I deleted social media. It was too depressing.

I am completely and totally isolated. I am alone. I have tried to fix it. I tried to find a club to join or people to meet. It takes so much effort to talk to people, I just end up giving up and watching tv and crying. I'm pathetic.

I used to be a competitive collegiate rower. Now I'm borderline overweight. I hate my life but I cannot fix it. I went from having everything to having nothing. I'm far away from home and alone.

I return home for the holidays. I will have a great time with my family and my pets, and maybe even visit my college friends and reconnect. Then, before I fly back to my cave, I'll CTB somewhere I feel at home. If I can even manage to do that.

My friend, this too shall pass. Believe it!

Overweight? Work out from home. Push ups. Sit ups. Gotta take care of your health for when this TURNS AROUND for you!

There's nothing pathetic about struggling to make friends. I had an ex who was agoraphobic and I never considered her pathetic.
Would your friends from high school call you pathetic for this? Your family? You're in a rut mate, don't be so hard on yourself.

These are some weird times for sure. Loads of people are becoming disconnected via the pandemic. It's hard to maintain relationships without meeting up to actually do something.
You might as well start where you are mate; you may consider singling out one of your roomies and asking them to hang out. Maybe something along the lines of "got any plans for dinner"?
Meals provide loads of opportunities for interaction, and if you've got the coin to shout dinner that puts you in good stead!

Good move on deleting social media; studies have shown it can be extremely detrimental to a person's mental health. We're designed to live in the real world. Social media is like a huge experiment in mental health, with unprecedented effects we're only just beginning to realise.
We're not guinea pigs!

If after seeing your friends and family back home you still feel like this, then CONSIDER MOVING CLOSER TO HOME, or something else. Anything else!
If you feel that being far away from home and friends is hurting you and you're not adapting well even given some time, if it's contributing to your suicidal thoughts, then please, please TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
Physical and mental health are everything my friend. If you're considering ending your life, then your body and mind are screaming at you to do something different. I strongly suggest you heed these messages.
Life is too short to be unnecessarily miserable.
And please don't end your life over transient conditions/circumstances.
If you wind up with end-stage cancer and they're cutting off bits of your body, or if you're in relentless pain each and every day, then revisiting a nicer death might be worthwhile.

Sorry for the unsolicited advice. I just think you might be able to resolve this.

Lastly, if you don't already, don't bury your issues with drugs if you can help it. Not even "safe" weed. It never, ever ends well.
You'll just end up with more problems, except this time they're permanent and terrifying. Trust me- I've been down that road already and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Give yourself room to turn things around by maintaining your incomparably precious health, and make all the changes you need to in order to thrive.

If you're isolated, you may also reconsider pretending that everything is fine for your family. Maybe you're just trying to protect them. Whilst this is a noble endeavour, I'm sure it'd be better for all if you let them in. Perhaps they will remind you how important you are and help you.
If you KILL YOURSELF instead before returning, I think they'd much rather you had talked to them about it!

 

[setup]

I can relate to self isolation. Going through something similar due to anxiety and depression. Just know ur not alone.

Honestly if I was you, I would move back. It seems like this momentary hardship is really eating at u and making things worse. Ur family cares for u and I don't think it would be fair for them to find you and be lost when they want to support you.

Life is tough, being social is tough due to the pandemic changing things. Things will get better. If u need someone to talk to im here

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can imagine it must be painful to lose everything you once had. I understand it is awful when everything seems hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Rational man]

. Then this pandemic hit and I've lost everything.

Pandemic has really hit many of us hard and i don't think we're through with just yet. We just need some time and a bit of faith that it will blow over. PEACE