I am afraid I might be disintegrating into darkness

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I am beginning to believe that its ok to want to die

Not only is it ok to want it, but I feel I want to do it at some point in my life

I see 3 paths laying ahead of me

1) I "survive" and don't "live" and die knowing I had miserable life from start to finish

2) I die and will heopelly be at peace and reincarnate into a better life

3) Perhaps try to toughen things out, accept that ill be behind in life, and be ok with it

Every day I fight these 3 thoughts.

I haven't really told my therapist this much. Somewhat but not all of it

I sometimes wonder what the point of therapy even is anymore

Or anything for that matter

Somedays I feel like fighting, other days I wish I wasn't born with a fighting spirit

Tbh, if I had a gun in my hands, I probably would shoot myself in the head if I was desperate enough

I feel myself becoming more and more numb

At 22, I have done nothing in my life

Besides survive

I am sure there are other badass 22 year olds, possibly younger, working, having a business, a relationship, friends, etc

Some even able to escape their abusive households

I am a mistake and a failure taking up another 22 year olds wasted potential

There is nothing I can offer this world, other than my abusive broken nature

I feel it might be altruistic to die, and then other times, I am afraid to

Dying is....hard

As human beings we are hardwired to survive and fight.

I don't know what im saying

At 22 I have no job, no friends irl, no romantic relatinhspis, no college degree.

All I've done this past summer is work from home. The home I have been abused in

I am a failure. I hope that my death can accomplish some things:

Peace, revenge, and giving another 22 year old with better capabilities to shine

I think that some of us are beyond saving and the mental health system cannot save everyone

I think the quicker we come to that realization, the better life would be

I am sorry.....for failing you (my therapist)

 

[Muirthemne]

I kinda feel similarly. A few things have gotten better recently (I have an awesome new counselor, for one), and part of me wants to be hopeful and feels like I should keep trying, but I've gotten my hopes up so many times in the past only to have them dashed every time, and I'm just... tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hurting myself to fit in. I'm tired of trying to be better. I wish the person I am today was good enough. So another part of me still wants to throw in the towel.

FWIW after surviving so much abuse I think the fact you're still alive at all is an accomplishment. Some people get dealt a shitty hand in life, and it doesn't make you a failure to struggle because you've been hurt. But I know that doesn't make it hurt any less to see people who are doing better in life.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I kinda feel similarly. A few things have gotten better recently (I have an awesome new counselor, for one), and part of me wants to be hopeful and feels like I should keep trying, but I've gotten my hopes up so many times in the past only to have them dashed every time, and I'm just... tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hurting myself to fit in. I'm tired of trying to be better. I wish the person I am today was good enough. So another part of me still wants to throw in the towel.

FWIW after surviving so much abuse I think the fact you're still alive at all is an accomplishment. Some people get dealt a shitty hand in life, and it doesn't make you a failure to struggle because you've been hurt. But I know that doesn't make it hurt any less to see people who are doing better in life.

Right. I mean, fine, maybe "surviving" is an accomplishment but I cant do anything with it. I am just meaningless

 

[faust]

I can relate to your thoughts. I am a rebel myself too and did many things in my short life. However, the amount of effort put has always been disproportional to results for me. While low efforts were giving outstanding results, high efforts were not clearly visible. As a result, I felt devastated and could not understand why bulletproof things did not work for me but worked for everybody else. Meanwhile some things which are considered a nonsense were giving unexpected results. Even when I have a fever, I put on some very cold clothes, walk in the rain, swim in the cold water - and sickness disappears soon. But when I stay warm, take pills - it may take a week or longer to get much better.

 

[Empty77]

I am beginning to believe that its ok to want to die

Not only is it ok to want it, but I feel I want to do it at some point in my life

I see 3 paths laying ahead of me

1) I "survive" and don't "live" and die knowing I had miserable life from start to finish

2) I die and will heopelly be at peace and reincarnate into a better life

3) Perhaps try to toughen things out, accept that ill be behind in life, and be ok with it

Every day I fight these 3 thoughts.

I haven't really told my therapist this much. Somewhat but not all of it

I sometimes wonder what the point of therapy even is anymore

Or anything for that matter

Somedays I feel like fighting, other days I wish I wasn't born with a fighting spirit

Tbh, if I had a gun in my hands, I probably would shoot myself in the head if I was desperate enough

I feel myself becoming more and more numb

At 22, I have done nothing in my life

Besides survive

I am sure there are other badass 22 year olds, possibly younger, working, having a business, a relationship, friends, etc

Some even able to escape their abusive households

I am a mistake and a failure taking up another 22 year olds wasted potential

There is nothing I can offer this world, other than my abusive broken nature

I feel it might be altruistic to die, and then other times, I am afraid to

Dying is....hard

As human beings we are hardwired to survive and fight.

I don't know what im saying

At 22 I have no job, no friends irl, no romantic relatinhspis, no college degree.

All I've done this past summer is work from home. The home I have been abused in

I am a failure. I hope that my death can accomplish some things:

Peace, revenge, and giving another 22 year old with better capabilities to shine

I think that some of us are beyond saving and the mental health system cannot save everyone

I think the quicker we come to that realization, the better life would be

I am sorry.....for failing you (my therapist)

Wow! Make's what I''ve been through look like a paper-cut. I'm so very sorry to read of someone so young feeling like this. You wanna a friend, you've got one today! You'll get no judgement from me, no goading, no heartbreak. Respect is a good start. Nice to meet you, even in this sad situation. I'm here to listen, of sorts whenever you need me.