DolerDolerDoler
Member
- Jun 4, 2024
- 14
I'm not even sure if I even belong here really. I read through posts of people struggling and I compare it to myself and think my issues would have been resolved if I wasn't such a terrible human being. I have issues that stem from my childhood like the pure rage and grief from my infant circumcision, leaving me incapable of feeling anything meaningful along with painful ejaculations. Or a mother I resent for hopping between man to man and neglecting the futures of her children. A shitty stepfather, who all my siblings feared. Religion pushed down our throats.
I am a complacent person. throughout this, could I feel deep down that I could ignore these issues. I distracted myself from these issues. I made no effort resolve these issues.
I am a complacent person. I've acknowledged that my entire life even since early elementary. I spent most of my time playing games or online, and I had a good friend as well. I lost contact with him, though I met him again in highschool but we were never as close.
For all my life I have felt like a disappointment to the people around me and this became a disgusting self fulfilling prophecy. I never gave a real effort, my most notable memory was in baseball at like 10 years old when a ball came to the outfield and with intention, did I pretend to go for it and fall over. I don't know why I did.
Things like this continued, and around 15 years old I found myself in a relationship with the most amazing girl. I loved helping her with her school work, I loved talking with her afterschool, I loved how much she cared about her family, she made me feel like I had a reason to try in my life. She was a salvation in alot of ways for me. But she stopped contacting me at the end of the year, I wondered why and I eventually got into contact with her again about a year later. She had been through so many terrible things.
I told her not to feel bad for disappearing, and that it was fine that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and we could be friends.
But I felt guilty.
In a haze, had I expressed my guilt to her, ironically causing her more grief. I didn't mean for that to happen. She apologized and said we couldn't have a healthy friendship.
I agreed.
We also agreed that it was fine to speak again in the next year. I made a promise that I would learn her home language and speak it with her the next year, my guilt stemmed from my inability to be supportive of her and that was my means to show it. And I had the means, this was after covid. I was living on a farm after my family was evicted, and I had all the fucking time in the world to fix things.
And you know what I did?
I forgot.
I archived the messages... pushed it out of my mind... I erased those memories. I broke that promise.
And my brain accepted it. No qualm, no resistance, I ruminated... then archived my memories. I can barely remember what was going on in my head at that time... it's fog
After getting persistently nagged by my brain recently I came to a reality shaking realization that I have been tormenting myself my entire life.
Opportunity? ignore it. friendship? itll never last, I waited for the last conversation and to every friendship was there a last conversation.
A chance to restore my broken, disgusting penis through manual restoration? dont, you can ignore it. helping my sisters education as they fucking rot away without my fucking mother giving them the chance to go to school? you can ignore that.
I opened up the text messages I had with her. And the memories came rushing back. All that she had been through and my... my what?
The absolute fuck was going on in my head in those moments?
And I even dared try and contact her years after abandoning my word.
I look back on my life and I see dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of opportunities to resolve the resolvable
And once I finally realized the life I had been burning, I couldn't accept myself anymore
I am a complacent person. throughout this, could I feel deep down that I could ignore these issues. I distracted myself from these issues. I made no effort resolve these issues.
I am a complacent person. I've acknowledged that my entire life even since early elementary. I spent most of my time playing games or online, and I had a good friend as well. I lost contact with him, though I met him again in highschool but we were never as close.
For all my life I have felt like a disappointment to the people around me and this became a disgusting self fulfilling prophecy. I never gave a real effort, my most notable memory was in baseball at like 10 years old when a ball came to the outfield and with intention, did I pretend to go for it and fall over. I don't know why I did.
Things like this continued, and around 15 years old I found myself in a relationship with the most amazing girl. I loved helping her with her school work, I loved talking with her afterschool, I loved how much she cared about her family, she made me feel like I had a reason to try in my life. She was a salvation in alot of ways for me. But she stopped contacting me at the end of the year, I wondered why and I eventually got into contact with her again about a year later. She had been through so many terrible things.
I told her not to feel bad for disappearing, and that it was fine that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and we could be friends.
But I felt guilty.
In a haze, had I expressed my guilt to her, ironically causing her more grief. I didn't mean for that to happen. She apologized and said we couldn't have a healthy friendship.
I agreed.
We also agreed that it was fine to speak again in the next year. I made a promise that I would learn her home language and speak it with her the next year, my guilt stemmed from my inability to be supportive of her and that was my means to show it. And I had the means, this was after covid. I was living on a farm after my family was evicted, and I had all the fucking time in the world to fix things.
And you know what I did?
I forgot.
I archived the messages... pushed it out of my mind... I erased those memories. I broke that promise.
And my brain accepted it. No qualm, no resistance, I ruminated... then archived my memories. I can barely remember what was going on in my head at that time... it's fog
After getting persistently nagged by my brain recently I came to a reality shaking realization that I have been tormenting myself my entire life.
Opportunity? ignore it. friendship? itll never last, I waited for the last conversation and to every friendship was there a last conversation.
A chance to restore my broken, disgusting penis through manual restoration? dont, you can ignore it. helping my sisters education as they fucking rot away without my fucking mother giving them the chance to go to school? you can ignore that.
I opened up the text messages I had with her. And the memories came rushing back. All that she had been through and my... my what?
The absolute fuck was going on in my head in those moments?
And I even dared try and contact her years after abandoning my word.
I look back on my life and I see dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of opportunities to resolve the resolvable
And once I finally realized the life I had been burning, I couldn't accept myself anymore
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