I consider to kill myself in October before college starts. I cannot stomach it (college hell) much longer but I also don't want to be a complete failure. (quitting college)
The people who follow my story know it I am in a day clinic currently. We had today a group session with a person who is also mentally ill but has successfully recovered. Honestly they spread only toxic positivity in that group and I already told her that. Still I want to be an engaged patient and tried to participate which was a big mistake. It made me very depressed. Also many others say they hate it. I considered to have the same profession as the mentally ill woman who does this job. Hell I am so glad I never went serious on it. I rather kill myself than to spread these toxic lies all day. It is so cynical towards a person like me these platitudes. Honestly my self-hatred would reach another level. It barely gets paid. This was the reason I lost the interest. And well now know why. It is fucking bullshit. And almost all patients dislike it.
Today she said things like. Yes you feel bad now. You are in a crisis. But remember the times when you felt good and that you want to achieve that again. Bitch I am more or less daily suicidal since more than a decade. I think the last 6 years I did not feel genuinely good at least one full day. Maybe in my daydreams when I tried to escape reality. The last time I felt really good was in a manic episode. In the end I got a little bit emotionally and told I never feel good. Which was a mistake. I felt like I walked into her trap. The other patients might considered that weird. I could not stomach that cynical bullshit anymore. It was a little bit awkward. Whatever. I wrote her some honest critique in the feedback letter. I want to throw up thinking about it. Not all people can recover. Some people are very very ill and have a very low life quality constantly. It is cyncial for people like me to tell there will be so much positive for you in the future. Bitch I am already planning my suicide.
There is one borderline girl and I really like her. She is my best friend at the clinic. She is lesbian though. And I am not romantically interested in her. But she is so fun to be with. We have a good time together. She also hates the this group session with that woman so much and we make fun of it. We are both pretty suicidal and after clinic we talk about it uncensored.
After the clinic I went to my college self-help group. I try not to vent anymore about my very serious suicidality in that group. I think it made many people uncomfortable. However, today I opened up about self-loathing. And some people were sort of stunned of my level of self-hatred. There was one very attractive new psychologist student. I never had a chance with a woman like that. But in my sick naive hopes I wish she had a helper-syndrome. This is basically my biggest hope. Someone could potentially emerge and just save my ass. It is so pathetic to dream about that and it will never happen. Probably I should rather try to prepare myself mentally to kill myself in October.
The people who follow my story know it I am in a day clinic currently. We had today a group session with a person who is also mentally ill but has successfully recovered. Honestly they spread only toxic positivity in that group and I already told her that. Still I want to be an engaged patient and tried to participate which was a big mistake. It made me very depressed. Also many others say they hate it. I considered to have the same profession as the mentally ill woman who does this job. Hell I am so glad I never went serious on it. I rather kill myself than to spread these toxic lies all day. It is so cynical towards a person like me these platitudes. Honestly my self-hatred would reach another level. It barely gets paid. This was the reason I lost the interest. And well now know why. It is fucking bullshit. And almost all patients dislike it.
Today she said things like. Yes you feel bad now. You are in a crisis. But remember the times when you felt good and that you want to achieve that again. Bitch I am more or less daily suicidal since more than a decade. I think the last 6 years I did not feel genuinely good at least one full day. Maybe in my daydreams when I tried to escape reality. The last time I felt really good was in a manic episode. In the end I got a little bit emotionally and told I never feel good. Which was a mistake. I felt like I walked into her trap. The other patients might considered that weird. I could not stomach that cynical bullshit anymore. It was a little bit awkward. Whatever. I wrote her some honest critique in the feedback letter. I want to throw up thinking about it. Not all people can recover. Some people are very very ill and have a very low life quality constantly. It is cyncial for people like me to tell there will be so much positive for you in the future. Bitch I am already planning my suicide.
There is one borderline girl and I really like her. She is my best friend at the clinic. She is lesbian though. And I am not romantically interested in her. But she is so fun to be with. We have a good time together. She also hates the this group session with that woman so much and we make fun of it. We are both pretty suicidal and after clinic we talk about it uncensored.
After the clinic I went to my college self-help group. I try not to vent anymore about my very serious suicidality in that group. I think it made many people uncomfortable. However, today I opened up about self-loathing. And some people were sort of stunned of my level of self-hatred. There was one very attractive new psychologist student. I never had a chance with a woman like that. But in my sick naive hopes I wish she had a helper-syndrome. This is basically my biggest hope. Someone could potentially emerge and just save my ass. It is so pathetic to dream about that and it will never happen. Probably I should rather try to prepare myself mentally to kill myself in October.
