I am a feminist but I will never reach out to women about my problems ever again.

[FireFox]

I am a woman but I have lost faith in my fellow women. I reached out to women for help throughout the years but they ever did was let me down. It's so disappointing because growing up as girls we are taught women are caring and about sisterhood but I now believe women's solidarity is an illusion. I am a passionate feminist but I do feel let down by women over the years.

My close university female friends in my law class stopped talking to me when I mentioned I was suicidal and another distanced themselves from me. The women in my family don't listen to me when I open up and reach out about being depressed.

In lockdown I was builled on a women's forum for depression by older women suffering depression and anxiety.

A couple of months I went on the Internet again asking for advice on how to embrace my features. This time I went British mothers for advice on how to embrace my black hair and brown eyes and overcome this insecurity. I posted in the black women's section hoping I will find black women who managed to overcome this issue.

The women let me down. The comments were a mixture of unhelpful, judgemental and useless really.

I had plenty white women joining in the conservation. One white woman with blonde hair she said how being pale skinned comes with issues. She talked about her sunburn marks which she experiences when it is hot. She talked how bad her legs look when it's winter. She said she had experienced unwanted attention because of her blonde hair. I understand she meant well but i was furious. Another white woman said she wished she had darker skin and how she uses extra tan.

I was so mad I even wrote saying "
"I would rather have all the annoying inconveniences of having blonde hair and blue eyes comes than live with the lifetime of rejection and ignorance that comes with having brown skin"

The black women were just as bad. I received comments from black women accusing me of being a "troll" and saying "no black woman writes like that."

Other black women even criticised me saying "you do realise black woman have other eye colours not just brown." I pointed out to her that the only black woman who have different eye colours are mixed race women( mixed race is not black that is why it called mixed race). I am talking about mixed race I have met with different eye colours. If you are dark black woman or just a brown woman like me majority of us have brown eyes. That experience was the final straw

I am never again reaching out for help if I am depressed

 

[FuneralCry]

People can be so cruel and disappointing. I feel like that is the way that many people simply are and I'm sorry that you had that experience. Other people can just make things worse and I understand why you would not want to reach out again. I wish you the best.

 

[Someone123]

I understand she meant well but i was furious.

I do think this is the key- you can be helped more by women if you let them help you. If a person means well that is the key, it means that they are trying to care about you, but you've got to let the caring count, you do need to understand that these good intentions matter. I'm not saying this for the purpose of criticising but I am saying this to try to help to see that when people are trying to help you if you get furious it's going to be tough to ever get help. What would you like them to say? Good intentions matter, that's what caring is. I think you're blocking off caring without realizing it, that your communication patterns are preventing help from well-meaning people.

 

[GentleJerk]

That's low of them to treat you like that when you're trying to reach out for support. Don't let it get to you, I hope you can find some more helpful and compassionate people in your life. All the best.

 

[Someone123]

It's worth it to say- what would you want them to say? What words could they say that would be good enough to seem like caring? Commubication is not easy and words are imprecise, so it's not easy sometimes to know how to help. I knew a girl who had curly hair and she hated it, it was crazy, her hair was amazing- she naturally had hair like people pay a lot of money to get in perms. As a person with blue eyes I have always preferred girls with brown eyes- people seem to always want what they don't have.

 

[Niko66]

I do think this is the key- you can be helped more by women if you let them help you. If a person means well that is the key, it means that they are trying to care about you, but you've got to let the caring count, you do need to understand that these good intentions matter. I'm not saying this for the purpose of criticising but I am saying this to try to help to see that when people are trying to help you if you get furious it's going to be tough to ever get help. What would you like them to say? Good intentions matter, that's what caring is. I think you're blocking off caring without realizing it, that your communication patterns are preventing help from well-meaning people.

Do good intentions really matter though? If I am drowning in a river what does it do if someone comes with a bucket to try to empty it?

To me good intentions with shitty outcomes only make it worse. It gives people the illusion that they are helping and the problems need not another look at. Everything is fine, there's the lad with the bucket. Why should we try to do better? And that's at best. At worst, there's the people that give advice or hands help that's actually hurting, there's the "it could always be worse" crowd, there's the people that berate you the moment you don't adopt their life views to a T and think they hold the universal truth.

Speaking for myself I'd rather have nothing at all than well intended shitty help.

 

[Anonymus]

I'm a man, not a woman, but I don't think my gender or appearance (brown eyes and a typical southern European face well forged by the Mediterranean) matter to understand how you feel. I ask you to make a last effort and have more confidence in people, you never know who will be able to come to your aid or who will understand and support you.

If you search, you will end up finding groups of similar ideals and close experiences that they will gratefully share their day to day with you.
Do not give up or lose hope of finding your way to this world that we have had to live, please trust in those who respect you above all.

I can't tell you anything more, but I wish these four words were enough for you to be more optimistic about your progress.

Good bye

Spoiler: Original Text

Jo sóc un home, no una dona, però no crec que tingui importància el meu genère ni la meva aparença (ulls marrons i rostre típic del sud d'Europa ben forjat pel mediterràni) per comprendre el que sents. Et demano que facis un últim esforç i tinguis més confiança en les persones, mai saps de qui et podrà venir l'ajuda o qui et comprendrà i et farà costat.

Si fas cerca acabaràs trobant grups d'ideals afins i experiències properes que compartiràn agraïts el seu día a día amb tú.
No defalleixis ni perdis l'esperança de trobar el teu camí per fer vía per aquest món que ens ha tocat viure, si us plau, confía en qui et respecti sobretot.

No et puc dir rés més, però m'agradaría que n'hi hagués prou amb aquestes quatre paraules perquè et prenguessis amb més optimisme l'avenç en els teus propósits.

A reveure

 

[Someone123]

Do good intentions really matter though? If I am drowning in a river what does it do if someone comes with a bucket to try to empty it?

Of course it's true that when you look at an extreme case you can find fault with this, of course there are cases like you mentioned where good intentions don't matter. But in the cases she was talking about it was different, whether she felt better about things depended a lot on whether it seemed like caring to her. So when it comes to thoughts and emotions and caring good intentions do matter a lot- if the one thought didn't work other thoughts can be tried- it's not an immediate life or death situation. You can brainstorm various thoughts together and see what works to help her feel better or what doesn't. So yes good intentions are critical to caring, and even if this person couldn't think of the exact words that she wanted to hear she could feel better about that this person obviously cares about me, and that matters- this is someone I can talk to and share ideas with and hopefully come up with some better ideas together.

 

[Pluto]

I remember a time when I was working with young children, and one of them asked me why I have black hair. He must have never seen black hair before. I looked around the room and realised that I was the only one in a room of over a dozen.

Since moving to a smaller city, the most common reaction is people crossing the street to avoid me, avoiding eye contact, etc. I know that it's just a result of fear of someone who looks different, but when already traumatised by childhood abuse, autistic and socially inept, it's hard having to also cop a constant stream of small-scale rejection.

I avoid even thinking about it because there's no question of anyone understanding or being supportive; even when there are immigrants in the area, they tend to have families and support networks. Plus I am well aware that complaining about people around me would only make them aggress. Sometimes one just has to accept a lower standard of living, and hope that one finds a tribe at some point.

 

[lostmylove]

As a man, I've lost faith in fellow men. Maybe it's a human problem not specific to gender. Lol..

 

[Niko66]

Of course it's true that when you look at an extreme case you can find fault with this, of course there are cases like you mentioned where good intentions don't matter. But in the cases she was talking about it was different, whether she felt better about things depended a lot on whether it seemed like caring to her. So when it comes to thoughts and emotions and caring good intentions do matter a lot- if the one thought didn't work other thoughts can be tried- it's not an immediate life or death situation. You can brainstorm various thoughts together and see what works to help her feel better or what doesn't. So yes good intentions are critical to caring, and even if this person couldn't think of the exact words that she wanted to hear she could feel better about that this person obviously cares about me, and that matters- this is someone I can talk to and share ideas with and hopefully come up with some better ideas together.

To be honest the example I used was kind of a not far off analogy of how I've felt mental illnesses are handled, making it physical danger makes it seem more extreme but the reality I don't think is far off. Mental illness might not end a life in 5 minutes but it ends lives all the same.

The guy with the bucket is that one person sharing a hotline and leaving, that person just saying "seek professional help" (as if most of us haven't already and ignorant to the fact that many people don't find help in medication) and so on which are all too common.

And as long as there's that one thing people can think of as the solution for the problem they are ignorant of, then everyone can pretend the world is fair and things are fine, that we don't need to question what we are doing or evolve our understanding, comprehension and compassion. Just tell the "troublesome" to seek help, elsewhere and never hear from them again.

But I guess I get what you are saying, more of a glass half full way to look at things I suppose. But I have yet to meet anyone putting that kind of effort into helping anyone else, only people who have been close to me or liked me first have ever bothered to entertain listening to me. That's another big issue I find, people only care if they are personally attached to the person or the cause in the first place. Compassion for the different, the distant, that which does not concern them seems very rare.

The cynical in me highly doubts that the blonde-example woman from the OP would have spared 20 minutes of her life to exchange ideas with the OP, but of course that's just my guess.

 

[Someone123]

The cynical in me highly doubts that the blonde-example woman from the OP would have spared 20 minutes of her life to exchange ideas with the OP, but of course that's just my guess.

She did share some time and effort to try to help,. and if it seemed to be helping then she likely would have tried to help more. But if she is told that your efforts to help, though well-intentioned, make me furious she probably would not keep trying, especially since her ideas were good ideas- she was trying to show that people with other appearances also have issues with their appearance. But if she gets beat up for trying to help then why would she try to help more- to get beat up more?

 

[Niko66]

She did share some time and effort to try to help,. and if it seemed to be helping then she likely would have tried to help more. But if she is told that your efforts to help, though well-intentioned, make me furious she probably would not keep trying, especially since her ideas were good ideas- she was trying to show that people with other appearances also have issues with their appearance. But if she gets beat up for trying to help then why would she try to help more- to get beat up more?

Well on that one, hard disagree that bringing up your own problems to say "others have it bad too" is ever a good idea to someone in pain. Bringing up something like sun burn which is solved with a trip to the store compared to a perceived life of rejection is a tad insensitive to say the least, misguided at best and self centered at worst.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I am sorry that you've received that sort of response. I can say from experience it doesn't feel good to have all your complaints boiled down to internalized racism.

I feel like the types of men or women who'd reject someone just because they don't have blonde hair and blue eyes shouldn't be worth your time anyway though. I promise there are at least plenty of men who prefer their female partners to have darker skin or would at least not be concerned about it in the slightest. I hope that much helps.

 

[tiredplant777]

Hey I really feel you here. The idea of solidarity within womanhood isn't really something I have experienced either. When the Me Too movement happened I felt so incredibly conflicted because I had never received support from other women I knew when I had to deal with that stuff. The only person who supported me when I was really going through it was my male therapist. I have a female therapist now, but I don't see her as someone who can support me because she is a woman, she can support me because she is a good person.
*Trigger warning for sexual abuse*

When I was 26 (33 now) I remembered being sexual abused at an extremely young age by a male doctor. When this memory was coming up I was actively being stalked and abused by a psychopath, who also was male. At the time I had female friends who had also experienced sexual abuse both in childhood and adulthood by men, and also some other female friends who had not, but wanted to be supportive. All of these women presented themselves as allies for other women who had experienced sexual abuse themselves. Unfortunately they were truly anything but allies. When I opened up to them about my own memories and what I was currently experiencing they totally invalidated me. One of the women told me "I feel very close to you and I really don't feel that you were sexually abused". Both of the female friends I had who claimed to be against invalidating victims defended what this woman said to me, and further invalidated me, and defended what the woman said about her not believing this had happened to me. I guess they were messed up themselves more than they cared to admit, because I think dictating what did and didn't happen to me made them feel more in control and gave them a sense of power. The memory I recalled was very black and white, they didn't know me back then either, they weren't there, I hadn't even known them that long. They also at times dictated how severe my experiences were with the psychopath I was dealing with, and again placed themselves in positions of power and control instead of respecting me and trusting me with my own experience. I wish I'd never met these people because man it still hurts and it was such a confusing and isolating feeling to have "fellow survivors" invalidate me to that extent. If it hadn't been for the respect and empathy my male therapist showed me I have no idea what I would have done.

 

[Someone123]

Do good intentions really matter though? If I am drowning in a river what does it do if someone comes with a bucket to try to empty it?

Good intentions matter in the situation described- and they help she was offered was not shitty help. The help offered was kindness and caring and empathy, but she still found fault with it. You can always find fault.

hard disagree that bringing up your own problems to say "others have it bad too" is ever a good idea to someone in pain.

That's not what the person was saying. The person was saying that I can empathize with your problems because I have had a similar problem- criticisms of my own appearance. Empathy is often very helpful to someon struggling with a problem, though there is always a weay to find fault, even when someone is expressing that they care about you and are trying to help.

 

[FireFox]

It's worth it to say- what would you want them to say? What words could they say that would be good enough to seem like caring? Commubication is not easy and words are imprecise, so it's not easy sometimes to know how to help. I knew a girl who had curly hair and she hated it, it was crazy, her hair was amazing- she naturally had hair like people pay a lot of money to get in perms. As a person with blue eyes I have always preferred girls with brown eyes- people seem to always want what they don't have.

@Someone123
The thing was I was very clear in what I wanted. I wanted advice from black women on how to stop thinking my brown eyes and black hair are boring features because i was expecting they would understand these issues. I posted in the section for black women on the site specifically. The white women on the website started commenting I was mad as hell because some of their comments where pure ignorance. I was mad when she mentioned about sunburn issues that come with blonde hair because it's a minor inconvenience.

That white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes she is so lucky because she has features that society finds beautiful especially men. Growing up I always saw how the girls with blonde hair were seen as pretty by the boys and always noticed and treated better. I used to watch dating shows as a teenager I always saw how that girl with blonde hair always had the guys find her attractive and pursue her.

That woman with blonde hair and blue eyes she will always be more beautiful than me and will always get the man.

People can be so cruel and disappointing. I feel like that is the way that many people simply are and I'm sorry that you had that experience. Other people can just make things worse and I understand why you would not want to reach out again. I wish you the best.

@FuneralCry

Thank you for your compassion.

I f*cking hate mental health awareness week because these campaigns constantly tell people to open up but never tell people to listen and be compassionate. Mental health awareness week is just for healthy and non mentally ill people to virtual signal how they are good people. It's f*cking bullsh*t.

Nobody gives a sh*t if a person is depressed or low until they are dead. People have more dignity in death than in life. I see how people get nice and lovely tribute when they die but they never get this kind of love and appreciation in life

Hey I really feel you here. The idea of solidarity within womanhood isn't really something I have experienced either. When the Me Too movement happened I felt so incredibly conflicted because I had never received support from other women I knew when I had to deal with that stuff. The only person who supported me when I was really going through it was my male therapist. I have a female therapist now, but I don't see her as someone who can support me because she is a woman, she can support me because she is a good person.
*Trigger warning for sexual abuse*

When I was 26 (33 now) I remembered being sexual abused at an extremely young age by a male doctor. When this memory was coming up I was actively being stalked and abused by a psychopath, who also was male. At the time I had female friends who had also experienced sexual abuse both in childhood and adulthood by men, and also some other female friends who had not, but wanted to be supportive. All of these women presented themselves as allies for other women who had experienced sexual abuse themselves. Unfortunately they were truly anything but allies. When I opened up to them about my own memories and what I was currently experiencing they totally invalidated me. One of the women told me "I feel very close to you and I really don't feel that you were sexually abused". Both of the female friends I had who claimed to be against invalidating victims defended what this woman said to me, and further invalidated me, and defended what the woman said about her not believing this had happened to me. I guess they were messed up themselves more than they cared to admit, because I think dictating what did and didn't happen to me made them feel more in control and gave them a sense of power. The memory I recalled was very black and white, they didn't know me back then either, they weren't there, I hadn't even known them that long. They also at times dictated how severe my experiences were with the psychopath I was dealing with, and again placed themselves in positions of power and control instead of respecting me and trusting me with my own experience. I wish I'd never met these people because man it still hurts and it was such a confusing and isolating feeling to have "fellow survivors" invalidate me to that extent. If it hadn't been for the respect and empathy my male therapist showed me I have no idea what I would have done.

@tiredplant777

Virtual hug and sending lots of love to you

I am so sorry you went through that what horrible people those women were. It's so painful being betrayed and let down by the people we expect to understand our issues.

I never supported the #Metoo movement because its a f*cking sham. The celebrities involved in the #Metoo movement were the same people who supported the pedophile rapist Roman Polanski.

Roman Polanski is a movie producer who holds dual polish and French nationality. He raped a 13 year old girl in America and admitted the offence. He ran away from America to avoid the sentencing. Today He lives in France and still makes movies. He lives lavishly and still a celebrity. There was time he couldn't come to the Oscar awards to get his award for a movie he made because he would be arrested if he set foot in America. In Hollywood there were multiple celebrities including women who signed the petition supporting Roman polanski and they were even celebrities defending him. The whole thing is f*cked up. Meryl Streep gave him a standing ovation at an Oscars ceremony. Natalie Portman signed the petition supporting him.

Whoopi goldberg on a old tv show clip said what happened to the victim was "not rape rape"

 

[novem]

I am a woman but I have lost faith in my fellow women. I reached out to women for help throughout the years but they ever did was let me down. It's so disappointing because growing up as girls we are taught women are caring and about sisterhood but I now believe women's solidarity is an illusion. I am a passionate feminist but I do feel let down by women over the years.

My close university female friends in my law class stopped talking to me when I mentioned I was suicidal and another distanced themselves from me. The women in my family don't listen to me when I open up and reach out about being depressed.

In lockdown I was builled on a women's forum for depression by older women suffering depression and anxiety.

A couple of months I went on the Internet again asking for advice on how to embrace my features. This time I went British mothers for advice on how to embrace my black hair and brown eyes and overcome this insecurity. I posted in the black women's section hoping I will find black women who managed to overcome this issue.

The women let me down. The comments were a mixture of unhelpful, judgemental and useless really.

I had plenty white women joining in the conservation. One white woman with blonde hair she said how being pale skinned comes with issues. She talked about her sunburn marks which she experiences when it is hot. She talked how bad her legs look when it's winter. She said she had experienced unwanted attention because of her blonde hair. I understand she meant well but i was furious. Another white woman said she wished she had darker skin and how she uses extra tan.

I was so mad I even wrote saying "
"I would rather have all the annoying inconveniences of having blonde hair and blue eyes comes than live with the lifetime of rejection and ignorance that comes with having brown skin"

The black women were just as bad. I received comments from black women accusing me of being a "troll" and saying "no black woman writes like that."

Other black women even criticised me saying "you do realise black woman have other eye colours not just brown." I pointed out to her that the only black woman who have different eye colours are mixed race women( mixed race is not black that is why it called mixed race). I am talking about mixed race I have met with different eye colours. If you are dark black woman or just a brown woman like me majority of us have brown eyes. That experience was the final straw

I am never again reaching out for help if I am depressed

Those women were behaving selfish and insecure. It is not the color that creates problems but social status. Colonization had fucked up the world. People associate white skin with money. What shall all those poor pale skinned nations do now if they have no properties to lend and get the American money.

 

[FireFox]

Hey I really feel you here. The idea of solidarity within womanhood isn't really something I have experienced either. When the Me Too movement happened I felt so incredibly conflicted because I had never received support from other women I knew when I had to deal with that stuff. The only person who supported me when I was really going through it was my male therapist. I have a female therapist now, but I don't see her as someone who can support me because she is a woman, she can support me because she is a good person.
*Trigger warning for sexual abuse*

When I was 26 (33 now) I remembered being sexual abused at an extremely young age by a male doctor. When this memory was coming up I was actively being stalked and abused by a psychopath, who also was male. At the time I had female friends who had also experienced sexual abuse both in childhood and adulthood by men, and also some other female friends who had not, but wanted to be supportive. All of these women presented themselves as allies for other women who had experienced sexual abuse themselves. Unfortunately they were truly anything but allies. When I opened up to them about my own memories and what I was currently experiencing they totally invalidated me. One of the women told me "I feel very close to you and I really don't feel that you were sexually abused". Both of the female friends I had who claimed to be against invalidating victims defended what this woman said to me, and further invalidated me, and defended what the woman said about her not believing this had happened to me. I guess they were messed up themselves more than they cared to admit, because I think dictating what did and didn't happen to me made them feel more in control and gave them a sense of power. The memory I recalled was very black and white, they didn't know me back then either, they weren't there, I hadn't even known them that long. They also at times dictated how severe my experiences were with the psychopath I was dealing with, and again placed themselves in positions of power and control instead of respecting me and trusting me with my own experience. I wish I'd never met these people because man it still hurts and it was such a confusing and isolating feeling to have "fellow survivors" invalidate me to that extent. If it hadn't been for the respect and empathy my male therapist showed me I have no idea what I would have done.

@tiredplant777

Virtual hug and sending lots of love to you

I am so sorry you went through that what horrible people those women were. It's so painful being betrayed and let down by the people we expect to understand our issues.

I never supported the #Metoo movement because its a f*cking sham. The celebrities involved in the #Metoo movement were the same people who supported the pedophile rapist Roman Polanski.

Roman Polanski is a movie producer who holds dual polish and French nationality. He raped a 13 year old girl in America and admitted the offence. He ran away from America to avoid the sentencing. Today He lives in France and still makes movies. He lives lavishly and still a celebrity. There was time he couldn't come to the Oscar awards to get his award for a movie he made because he would be arrested if he set foot in America. In Hollywood there were multiple celebrities including women who signed the petition supporting Roman polanski and they were even celebrities defending him. The whole thing is f*cked up. Meryl Streep gave him a standing ovation at an Oscars ceremony. Natalie Portman signed the petition supporting him.

Whoopi goldberg on a old tv show clip said what happened to the victim was "not rape rape"

I'm a man, not a woman, but I don't think my gender or appearance (brown eyes and a typical southern European face well forged by the Mediterranean) matter to understand how you feel. I ask you to make a last effort and have more confidence in people, you never know who will be able to come to your aid or who will understand and support you.

If you search, you will end up finding groups of similar ideals and close experiences that they will gratefully share their day to day with you.
Do not give up or lose hope of finding your way to this world that we have had to live, please trust in those who respect you above all.

I can't tell you anything more, but I wish these four words were enough for you to be more optimistic about your progress.

Good bye

Spoiler: Original Text

Jo sóc un home, no una dona, però no crec que tingui importància el meu genère ni la meva aparença (ulls marrons i rostre típic del sud d'Europa ben forjat pel mediterràni) per comprendre el que sents. Et demano que facis un últim esforç i tinguis més confiança en les persones, mai saps de qui et podrà venir l'ajuda o qui et comprendrà i et farà costat.

Si fas cerca acabaràs trobant grups d'ideals afins i experiències properes que compartiràn agraïts el seu día a día amb tú.
No defalleixis ni perdis l'esperança de trobar el teu camí per fer vía per aquest món que ens ha tocat viure, si us plau, confía en qui et respecti sobretot.

No et puc dir rés més, però m'agradaría que n'hi hagués prou amb aquestes quatre paraules perquè et prenguessis amb més optimisme l'avenç en els teus propósits.

A reveure

@Dead Ghost
I have reached out over and over again to black women for advicd on this issue. All I ever got was nothing but judgement and hostility and constantly had my feelings dismissed.
Young and old women are just as bad each other.

I don't want these feelings, I don't but no one seems actually interested in actually helping me overcome this. Everyone just wants do dismiss, dismiss, dismiss. I feel like nobody understands how it feels like to be woman who men never saw as beautiful and had to watch other girls and women have men see their beauty. That woman with blonde hair and blue eyes everyone sees her as the pretty growing up I always saw how girls with blonde hair were always seen as pretty and the boys noticed them. In dating programmes the guts want that girl with blonde hair

I am just plain and average.

 

[Trezzohno]

People who say looks don't matter and tell you get over it have probably been beautiful their whole lives and at the top of the food chain in beauty standards. It's hard to look down when you are way up.

 

[TheBroken]

Yeah, women do tend to eat their young so to speak. Sad you've had rough experiences. There are tons of different groups out there though so maybe try another one - maybe not necessarily a women only group.

Those women were behaving selfish and insecure. It is not the color that creates problems but social status. Colonization had fucked up the world. People associate white skin with money. What shall all those poor pale skinned nations do now if they have no properties to lend and get the American money.

Correct, white is great and non-white is trash. The past and current way of the world ..... being female and non-white is even worse.

 

[Trezzohno]

Plus it's delusional to expect a woman especially, to not worry about their looks when that's literally what we are told from birth is our greatest value and are constantly bombarded with beauty ideals.

 

[Someone123]

That woman with blonde hair and blue eyes she will always be more beautiful than me and will always get the man.

That is not necessarily true. There are a lot of black women who have married good-looking guys- both black guys and white guys. There are a lot of factors that go into attractiveness to others.

I used to watch dating shows as a teenager I always saw how that girl with blonde hair always had the guys find her attractive and pursue her.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder to an extent. I've personally always dated ladies with brown hair, mainly because I wanted something different than my blonde hair. There was a black lady I worked with who I became close with and we could have started a relationship and have gotten serious, but an accumulation of issues already had me on a downward slide, which she didn't know about, so I had to let this chance go. She offered to teach me dancing and this was clearly my chance, but I knew that financial issues were a big concern for me, and not for her, and it was getting too late in life to fix them, due to a lot of things that went wrong. We worked closely on a team for over a year and if not for my financial issues this could have worked out for the long term. She had great style that everyone could see- classy but still stylish, and I know that for a while she was dating a good-lloking black guy who was quite a but younger, but I think it ended due to the age difference.

I don't know how that website is presented, but maybe this lady thought that this section was for black women to post threads in but that anyone was allowed to try to help on these threads. Even if her attempt to help missed the mark it seems like she was trying to help. There are so many people with bad intentions in the world that I tend to be pretty forgiving of people who have good intentions even if their attempts to help don't actually help- if they have good intentions they likely would be willing to help with something else where they can actually be more helpful.

 

[Anonymus]

I have reached out over and over again to black women for advicd on this issue. All I ever got was nothing but judgement and hostility and constantly had my feelings dismissed.
Young and old women are just as bad each other.

I don't want these feelings, I don't but no one seems actually interested in actually helping me overcome this. Everyone just wants do dismiss, dismiss, dismiss. I feel like nobody understands how it feels like to be woman who men never saw as beautiful and had to watch other girls and women have men see their beauty. That woman with blonde hair and blue eyes everyone sees her as the pretty growing up I always saw how girls with blonde hair were always seen as pretty and the boys noticed them. In dating programmes the guts want that girl with blonde hair

I am just plain and average.

I'm not telling you that I'm not attracted to certain physical traits above all others ... but at the same time that finding a person who loves and respects you, the physical attraction you feel towards that person is the less.

I think I give too much importance to physical appearance while establishing a relationship with someone. I just want you to be clear that the person who loves you will not care about the color of your skin or the color of your eyes, you will only care about yourself.

Spoiler: Original Text

No et dic pas que jo no em senti atret també per determinats trets físics per sobre d'altres... però es que alhora de trobar una persona que t'estimi i et respecti, l'atracció física que sentis cap aquesta persona és el de menys.

Crec que li dones massa importància l'aspecte físic alhora d'establir una relació amb algú. Només vull que tinguis ben clar que la persona que t'estimi no li importarà pas ni el color de la teva pell ni el dels teus ulls, només li importaràs tú mateixa.

 

[Lysandre]

I am a woman but I have lost faith in my fellow women. I reached out to women for help throughout the years but they ever did was let me down. It's so disappointing because growing up as girls we are taught women are caring and about sisterhood but I now believe women's solidarity is an illusion. I am a passionate feminist but I do feel let down by women over the years.

My close university female friends in my law class stopped talking to me when I mentioned I was suicidal and another distanced themselves from me. The women in my family don't listen to me when I open up and reach out about being depressed.

In lockdown I was builled on a women's forum for depression by older women suffering depression and anxiety.

A couple of months I went on the Internet again asking for advice on how to embrace my features. This time I went British mothers for advice on how to embrace my black hair and brown eyes and overcome this insecurity. I posted in the black women's section hoping I will find black women who managed to overcome this issue.

The women let me down. The comments were a mixture of unhelpful, judgemental and useless really.

I had plenty white women joining in the conservation. One white woman with blonde hair she said how being pale skinned comes with issues. She talked about her sunburn marks which she experiences when it is hot. She talked how bad her legs look when it's winter. She said she had experienced unwanted attention because of her blonde hair. I understand she meant well but i was furious. Another white woman said she wished she had darker skin and how she uses extra tan.

I was so mad I even wrote saying "
"I would rather have all the annoying inconveniences of having blonde hair and blue eyes comes than live with the lifetime of rejection and ignorance that comes with having brown skin"

The black women were just as bad. I received comments from black women accusing me of being a "troll" and saying "no black woman writes like that."

Other black women even criticised me saying "you do realise black woman have other eye colours not just brown." I pointed out to her that the only black woman who have different eye colours are mixed race women( mixed race is not black that is why it called mixed race). I am talking about mixed race I have met with different eye colours. If you are dark black woman or just a brown woman like me majority of us have brown eyes. That experience was the final straw

I am never again reaching out for help if I am depressed

My comment will maybe be unhelpful but here's my two cents on this.
The european and north american beauty standard is aimed towards caucasians, and usually, feeling like that means you got fooled by that standard.
Were you living in your native place (if isnt under the caucasian influence) you wouldn't feel like that because people would look like you physically (maybe not mentally but that's another issue).

When i was younger i was feeling complexed, "why cant my hair flow in the wind like this pretty lightskinned person" (They were braided, and i was fucking stupid because i was like 8 years old), why does it feel like im different, why do people treat me different, is it because of how i look, why do people refer to me by my skin colour, why can't i be like everyone else.
Frankly this thought process was stupid and i'm ashamed of it now that i think about it. The way i overcame it, is through seeing all of the people from my family, all of the darkskins in my entourage and the media that were absolutely stunning to me, those who make me go "why can't I be like you when I absolutely have the possibility to be like you", instead of focusing on the caucasian standard at all. It's not for us, it doesn't matter. You can be stunning just as you are.
And fuck it, if you still can't stand your features, dye your hair, wear wigs, wear lenses, no matter what your entourage says. What matters is really how you get to feel about yourself at the end of the day.
You probably already know all of that but i dont think it hurts to remind you. Don't hesitate to dm me if you wanna talk

 

[Dot]

Am srry tht sciety hs mde u fl tht wy abt urslf - blck rlly = beautfl bt ppl in chrge of mdia hve th/ streotyp tht thy lke 2 elev8 & n.e.1 wh ds nt meet tht = 'unattrctve'

Mysgny in socty ds mn also thgh tht thse blnde womn r also dscrbd as bimbos s/ evn thy hve othr issus 2 wrk thrgh 2 b recgnsd & wrthy - & agn tht = scietys flt bcse apprntly no1 = allwd 2 lve thmslves

Am srry u hve nt manged 2 fnd sme cnfdnt & undrstndng blck womn wh/ hve wrkd thrgh thse sme brriers & cn gve u sme soldarty & hlp gude u 2 C th beuty tht u hve in urslf bth on insde & outsde - hpe u cn fnd tht smewhre sn

 

[waitingforrest]

You shouldn't have been treated that way, a sunburn is incomparable to years of rejection. I don't want to give out much identifying information, so the most I can say is that I'm not white. Sorry about that.

l could just remember how I stuck out compared to other kids in my school. I felt like a freak, I know most decent people try to not be racist, but I can still see it in their eyes, I can hear it through the tone of voice they use.

But at least I was treated decently, even if it was just based on stereotypes and people wanting to use me. What you have to go through is so much worse, and to have it compared to a little sunburn is insulting. A sunburn can go away, but the color of your skin or eyes don't.

Even in childhood "dates", the kids all wanted to be with kids of their own race. I wondered what is wrong with me, did I do something wrong? That shit never goes away, even in adulthood.

I know they were probably just trying to sympathize, even if the intentions were good, sympathizing is to understand what someone goes through. What their post was is not sympathy, it's ignorance. It's the same as saying, "I'm sorry, I get leg cramps, it sometimes makes me wish to never go on a walk again." to someone who lost a leg.

Sorry for typing a block of text and rambling, just reading the last post you got just reminded me how little people understand each other, trying to nitpick every detail. Our experiences might not be the same. You don't deserve to be treated this way, especially by the people that are supposed to understand your pain.

It's sad to see how humans are capable of causing such pain. The hate people give to each other. If only people could understand what it is like to receive it.

 

[FireFox]

You shouldn't have been treated that way, a sunburn is incomparable to years of rejection. I don't want to give out much identifying information, so the most I can say is that I'm not white. Sorry about that.

l could just remember how I stuck out compared to other kids in my school. I felt like a freak, I know most decent people try to not be racist, but I can still see it in their eyes, I can hear it through the tone of voice they use.

But at least I was treated decently, even if it was just based on stereotypes and people wanting to use me. What you have to go through is so much worse, and to have it compared to a little sunburn is insulting. A sunburn can go away, but the color of your skin or eyes don't.

Even in childhood "dates", the kids all wanted to be with kids of their own race. I wondered what is wrong with me, did I do something wrong? That shit never goes away, even in adulthood.

I know they were probably just trying to sympathize, even if the intentions were good, sympathizing is to understand what someone goes through. What their post was is not sympathy, it's ignorance. It's the same as saying, "I'm sorry, I get leg cramps, it sometimes makes me wish to never go on a walk again." to someone who lost a leg.

Sorry for typing a block of text and rambling, just reading the last post you got just reminded me how little people understand each other, trying to nitpick every detail. Our experiences might not be the same. You don't deserve to be treated this way, especially by the people that are supposed to understand your pain.

It's sad to see how humans are capable of causing such pain. The hate people give to each other. If only people could understand what it is like to receive it.

@waiting
Virtual hug i am so sorry you went through that .Your reply has been so understanding and its refreshing to find someone who actually understands.

I went to a diverse school and I saw first hand how boys treated girls when it came to race. When I mention my experiences to people they get shocked they think what I experienced happens in a non diverse school only.

Growing up as teenager I saw how the black boys at school made fun of the black girls appearance whereas when it came to the white girls or other ethnic girls the boys would filrt them and be interested in them. There was one black boy in my class who made my life at school complete hell and I couldn't understand why as I never did anything bad to him. He made my life difficult because hated me because I was a black girl and he openly admitted he hates black girls.

As a teenager the boys I liked always were interested in girls who were white. At 15 I liked a Muslim boy who family was from Turkey, he was tall, brown and handsome. I meet him at an extracurricular activities club i did.I actually talked to him and even defended even when he got into trouble
He was always happy to be around this girl who had blonde hair and blue eyes and yes he always noticed her and it was clear he liked her. This girl wasn't even a nice person and actually hostilie towards me. All the boys admired her and liked her because she was pretty.

At 16 I liked this irish boy. At school break we talked to each other a lot and had fun. I knew a lot about him and his dreams and I shared mine with him.

Everyone in the school could see that I liked him and gossiped like they did with other people. One day he began to push me away during breaktimes which left me feeling very confused as I didn't understand why he did this. I liked him because I thought he was different but it turned out he was like everyone else in the school who thought I was the werid girl and he didn't want me around him anymore.
I heard the rumours in school he liked this girl who had blonde hair and people thought she was cool.
In adulthood I am just that woman guys ignore. I naturally confident as a person and enjoy having stimulating discussions with people about things as well as loving being outdoors but still my personality is not enough

 

[The Abyss]

Controversial opinion but there is no sisterhood, women will unite to tear down a man but quickly sabotage each other to get with an attractive male, friends in plain sight but backstabbing the one that leaves to go to the loo then once back with the group smiling as if there was no slander moments earlier when absent.

Buddies when you're doing well but suddenly busy when you have a problem, unfortunately not every issue is the same in scale; such as a papercut compared to amputation. The former seeing theirs as more severe than the latter's; in their own mind.

 

[tiredplant777]

@Someone123
The thing was I was very clear in what I wanted. I wanted advice from black women on how to stop thinking my brown eyes and black hair are boring features because i was expecting they would understand these issues. I posted in the section for black women on the site specifically. The white women on the website started commenting I was mad as hell because some of their comments where pure ignorance. I was mad when she mentioned about sunburn issues that come with blonde hair because it's a minor inconvenience.

That white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes she is so lucky because she has features that society finds beautiful especially men. Growing up I always saw how the girls with blonde hair were seen as pretty by the boys and always noticed and treated better. I used to watch dating shows as a teenager I always saw how that girl with blonde hair always had the guys find her attractive and pursue her.

That woman with blonde hair and blue eyes she will always be more beautiful than me and will always get the man.

@FuneralCry

Thank you for your compassion.

I f*cking hate mental health awareness week because these campaigns constantly tell people to open up but never tell people to listen and be compassionate. Mental health awareness week is just for healthy and non mentally ill people to virtual signal how they are good people. It's f*cking bullsh*t.

Nobody gives a sh*t if a person is depressed or low until they are dead. People have more dignity in death than in life. I see how people get nice and lovely tribute when they die but they never get this kind of love and appreciation in life

@tiredplant777

Virtual hug and sending lots of love to you

I am so sorry you went through that what horrible people those women were. It's so painful being betrayed and let down by the people we expect to understand our issues.

I never supported the #Metoo movement because its a f*cking sham. The celebrities involved in the #Metoo movement were the same people who supported the pedophile rapist Roman Polanski.

Roman Polanski is a movie producer who holds dual polish and French nationality. He raped a 13 year old girl in America and admitted the offence. He ran away from America to avoid the sentencing. Today He lives in France and still makes movies. He lives lavishly and still a celebrity. There was time he couldn't come to the Oscar awards to get his award for a movie he made because he would be arrested if he set foot in America. In Hollywood there were multiple celebrities including women who signed the petition supporting Roman polanski and they were even celebrities defending him. The whole thing is f*cked up. Meryl Streep gave him a standing ovation at an Oscars ceremony. Natalie Portman signed the petition supporting him.

Whoopi goldberg on a old tv show clip said what happened to the victim was "not rape rape"

Thank you so much. And I agree. I support the original creator of the Me Too movement, Tarana Burke, from what I know about her I like her a lot and what she stands for, I definitely support her activism. But the Hollywood movement is and was so hypocritical. It's interesting you bring up Whoopie Goldberg because I remember being like 14 and watching her on that show, The View, say that! I never forgot it. And I never liked her since then.

I think the part of the problem is people identifying with being victims in a way that strips them from so much that in their minds they cannot do any harm to others. It's a huge cop out. Like those women I knew, they had been victimized by men, but going forward they behaved as if they couldn't cause harm themselves, to the point where they were so blind they couldn't see themselves invalidating someone who had experienced sexual abuse as a child.