![Forest Fire](/data/avatars/l/9/9392.jpg?1666798553)
Forest Fire
Student
- Jul 19, 2019
- 115
I have told myself repeatedly that i am still here because i am considering the feelings of my parents and my siblings as if i am putting up with the suffering as some selfless act and putting their feelings above my own misery.
I am scared of forming even a tiny connection with people because anytime someone leaves my life, even just a coworker i have small talk with occasionally,i fall apart and i am scared of that feeling that comes with it. But i tell myself i have no connection with anyone because they 'don't get me' or wouldnt understand the life i've had or some bullshit like that. I am scared of people rejecting me in all situations.
I tell myself i don't care about my appearance but the reality is i'm too scared to make an effort incase someone mentions that i look better or have made an effort. Even when i've been doing gym i wear baggy clothes so people cant tell.
I tell myself i don't drive because it's too much money and i don't mind walking places but the reality is whenever i get behind the wheel i'm a nervous wreck and scared i will cause an accident.
I pretend i don't care about being poor so working part time bottom rung in a shop is a lifestyle choice because 'fuck the system etc' but i am scared to move on from the place i've always worked even though i hate it and i couldn't even tell myself why that makes me fearful.
I pretend to live a minimalist lifestyle but i've lost everything i ever had and am scared to replace any of it incase i lose it again.
I smoke weed every day because i am scared of my fucking dreams even though i've had 30 plus years of that shit and i know they aren't real and can't hurt me.
I lost the only relationship i had as i was scared to tell her about the problems i had going on. I am scared to have another one incase it doesn't last forever.
I am scared of heights, flying, the sea, compliments or criticism, rejection or acceptance, stupid shit like spiders and insects even though i'm much bigger than them and no creatures in my country can hurt me unless i let a horse kick me in the head.
I'm not a piece of shit because i actively try not to hurt people physically or their feelings but even the later could be looked at as i am scared to tell people truth they might need to hear for their own good.
I am to scared to make any positive change in my life.
I have re read this comment repeatedly as i am scared to post it because it might get some reactions or it might not get any. either outcome causes me fear.
I am not still here because i care about a few peoples feelings more than mine i am still here because, even though i portray myself as the opposite, i am a coward who is too scared to take any decisive action whether for better or worse, even when i know it is imperative that i do something because this shit is going to be all there is if i don't.
I am scared of forming even a tiny connection with people because anytime someone leaves my life, even just a coworker i have small talk with occasionally,i fall apart and i am scared of that feeling that comes with it. But i tell myself i have no connection with anyone because they 'don't get me' or wouldnt understand the life i've had or some bullshit like that. I am scared of people rejecting me in all situations.
I tell myself i don't care about my appearance but the reality is i'm too scared to make an effort incase someone mentions that i look better or have made an effort. Even when i've been doing gym i wear baggy clothes so people cant tell.
I tell myself i don't drive because it's too much money and i don't mind walking places but the reality is whenever i get behind the wheel i'm a nervous wreck and scared i will cause an accident.
I pretend i don't care about being poor so working part time bottom rung in a shop is a lifestyle choice because 'fuck the system etc' but i am scared to move on from the place i've always worked even though i hate it and i couldn't even tell myself why that makes me fearful.
I pretend to live a minimalist lifestyle but i've lost everything i ever had and am scared to replace any of it incase i lose it again.
I smoke weed every day because i am scared of my fucking dreams even though i've had 30 plus years of that shit and i know they aren't real and can't hurt me.
I lost the only relationship i had as i was scared to tell her about the problems i had going on. I am scared to have another one incase it doesn't last forever.
I am scared of heights, flying, the sea, compliments or criticism, rejection or acceptance, stupid shit like spiders and insects even though i'm much bigger than them and no creatures in my country can hurt me unless i let a horse kick me in the head.
I'm not a piece of shit because i actively try not to hurt people physically or their feelings but even the later could be looked at as i am scared to tell people truth they might need to hear for their own good.
I am to scared to make any positive change in my life.
I have re read this comment repeatedly as i am scared to post it because it might get some reactions or it might not get any. either outcome causes me fear.
I am not still here because i care about a few peoples feelings more than mine i am still here because, even though i portray myself as the opposite, i am a coward who is too scared to take any decisive action whether for better or worse, even when i know it is imperative that i do something because this shit is going to be all there is if i don't.