Venting I am a coward

[Forest Fire]

I have told myself repeatedly that i am still here because i am considering the feelings of my parents and my siblings as if i am putting up with the suffering as some selfless act and putting their feelings above my own misery.
I am scared of forming even a tiny connection with people because anytime someone leaves my life, even just a coworker i have small talk with occasionally,i fall apart and i am scared of that feeling that comes with it. But i tell myself i have no connection with anyone because they 'don't get me' or wouldnt understand the life i've had or some bullshit like that. I am scared of people rejecting me in all situations.
I tell myself i don't care about my appearance but the reality is i'm too scared to make an effort incase someone mentions that i look better or have made an effort. Even when i've been doing gym i wear baggy clothes so people cant tell.
I tell myself i don't drive because it's too much money and i don't mind walking places but the reality is whenever i get behind the wheel i'm a nervous wreck and scared i will cause an accident.
I pretend i don't care about being poor so working part time bottom rung in a shop is a lifestyle choice because 'fuck the system etc' but i am scared to move on from the place i've always worked even though i hate it and i couldn't even tell myself why that makes me fearful.
I pretend to live a minimalist lifestyle but i've lost everything i ever had and am scared to replace any of it incase i lose it again.
I smoke weed every day because i am scared of my fucking dreams even though i've had 30 plus years of that shit and i know they aren't real and can't hurt me.
I lost the only relationship i had as i was scared to tell her about the problems i had going on. I am scared to have another one incase it doesn't last forever.
I am scared of heights, flying, the sea, compliments or criticism, rejection or acceptance, stupid shit like spiders and insects even though i'm much bigger than them and no creatures in my country can hurt me unless i let a horse kick me in the head.
I'm not a piece of shit because i actively try not to hurt people physically or their feelings but even the later could be looked at as i am scared to tell people truth they might need to hear for their own good.
I am to scared to make any positive change in my life.
I have re read this comment repeatedly as i am scared to post it because it might get some reactions or it might not get any. either outcome causes me fear.
I am not still here because i care about a few peoples feelings more than mine i am still here because, even though i portray myself as the opposite, i am a coward who is too scared to take any decisive action whether for better or worse, even when i know it is imperative that i do something because this shit is going to be all there is if i don't.

 

[Arahant]

Knowing how you feel in general after reading the whole post, I assure everything I write is meant as kindness:

You have anxiety, and in all likelihood also attachment traumar or childhood emotional neglect, given all the fears associated with people and relationships.

That is not who you are.

You carry a heavy burden, my friend, and it is not one you chose to take upon yourself.
You don't deserve to be called a coward, or all the blame you place upon yourself.
I wish I could snap my fingers and relieve you of it, but it unfortunately doesn't work like that.

I can think of a fair number of things that you can apply that can actually help those issues, and would be happy to talk through them if you are open to the idea of recovery?

 

[whywere]

1st and really foremost, you are a KIND, CARING, THOUGHTFUL and GOOD-HEARTED soul. Coward? HELL NO! You are a very strong person.

2nd, at the age of 68 with decades of good and not so good aspects, I have been a "coward" before and I will again. However, I do not think of it as being a coward, but a human who breaths, loves, thinks of others and that fits you to a T.

You think of others so much and you care about others so much, that you beat yourself up and it breaks my heart.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back, look in a mirror and tell yourself that I and I bet other here love and care about you and want the best for you always.

Caring about others is NOT cowardness EVER, it shows intelligence and wonderful humanistic qualities.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderful person with a heart of gold, and I am so fortunate to have you as a good friend.

Walter

 

[stayedtoolong]

I have never related to anything so much on here. I really do relate. I am scared of living. I am trapped in conflicting thoughts and decisions in my mind and I am afraid of any choice that I make. I want someone to fix my life and get rid of the bad shit but I know that's just a fairytale. I worry about myself when those around me are also having hard times or going through shit. I'm selfish. I wish I could say something positive that could help you, all I know is that trying each day helps even though I don't believe that for myself so I don't do it.
I'm glad you posted. If you ever want to connect and talk more about stuff you're always free to message me.

 

[escape_from_hell]

It won't help much I'm sure. But I am a coward in all the same ways. More so.
Daily weed was making it worse for me. It can be very unkind when you have any doubts. I use other drugs but the comedowns are always waiting, a stick in hand ready to beat the senses out of my cowardly ass for trying to run.

 

[GetReadyy]

I completely understand everything you are going through. Maybe the key to recovery is to quit bad habits.

 

[Mirrory Me]

You seem to be pretty awere about what's bothering you, there might be answers to your troubles. Too bad your self-doubt and skepticism towards things is working against you, it's probably the hardest part when you are thinking about moving on. It's rather a long run to get there, so just as long as you keep planning and working your goals steadily, and listening to yourself when you need a break, so you won't be over thinking or working yourself.

 

[Forest Fire]

I really appreciate the words you have all written. I have to go to work now but i will reply properly later.
Alos, i meant to post this in the recovery section

 

[Forest Fire]

Knowing how you feel in general after reading the whole post, I assure everything I write is meant as kindness:

You have anxiety, and in all likelihood also attachment traumar or childhood emotional neglect, given all the fears associated with people and relationships.

That is not who you are.

You carry a heavy burden, my friend, and it is not one you chose to take upon yourself.
You don't deserve to be called a coward, or all the blame you place upon yourself.
I wish I could snap my fingers and relieve you of it, but it unfortunately doesn't work like that.

I can think of a fair number of things that you can apply that can actually help those issues, and would be happy to talk through them if you are open to the idea of recovery?

Thankyou for this i took your response as it was intended. I'm diagnosed with ptsd and eupd so you were correct with your assumptions. I would certainly be open to listening to talking through anything you think would be able to help me. I'm sleep deprived right now so i won't be able to do it tonight but certainly tomorrow if you are on here then

1st and really foremost, you are a KIND, CARING, THOUGHTFUL and GOOD-HEARTED soul. Coward? HELL NO! You are a very strong person.

2nd, at the age of 68 with decades of good and not so good aspects, I have been a "coward" before and I will again. However, I do not think of it as being a coward, but a human who breaths, loves, thinks of others and that fits you to a T.

You think of others so much and you care about others so much, that you beat yourself up and it breaks my heart.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back, look in a mirror and tell yourself that I and I bet other here love and care about you and want the best for you always.

Caring about others is NOT cowardness EVER, it shows intelligence and wonderful humanistic qualities.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderful person with a heart of gold, and I am so fortunate to have you as a good friend.

Walter

I've noticed a few of your posts on here because my grandad was called Walter and you always write really positive things to people. I really appreciate this message so thankyou.

I have never related to anything so much on here. I really do relate. I am scared of living. I am trapped in conflicting thoughts and decisions in my mind and I am afraid of any choice that I make. I want someone to fix my life and get rid of the bad shit but I know that's just a fairytale. I worry about myself when those around me are also having hard times or going through shit. I'm selfish. I wish I could say something positive that could help you, all I know is that trying each day helps even though I don't believe that for myself so I don't do it.
I'm glad you posted. If you ever want to connect and talk more about stuff you're always free to message me.

Sorry you are going through the same i will most likely message you tomorrow, thankyou for taking the time to respond

 

[Arahant]

Thankyou for this i took your response as it was intended. I'm diagnosed with ptsd and eupd so you were correct with your assumptions. I would certainly be open to listening to talking through anything you think would be able to help me. I'm sleep deprived right now so i won't be able to do it tonight but certainly tomorrow if you are on here then

I've noticed a few of your posts on here because my grandad was called Walter and you always write really positive things to people. I really appreciate this message so thankyou.

Sorry you are going through the same i will most likely message you tomorrow, thankyou for taking the time to respond

Heh, same here, really.

Ping me tomorrow or some day and I shall manifest.

 

[Forest Fire]

It won't help much I'm sure. But I am a coward in all the same ways. More so.
Daily weed was making it worse for me. It can be very unkind when you have any doubts. I use other drugs but the comedowns are always waiting, a stick in hand ready to beat the senses out of my cowardly ass for trying to run.

I was an alcoholic before but managed to quit that a few years ago. i'm currently 3 weeks without weed but don't consider myself quit yet as i have done longer and gone back to it because of the nightmares making it so i can't forget things. Thankyou for the response
I have no idea how to do the multi quote thing so it seems my replies are getting mixed up!