I am a coward scared of death which is why I have not killed myself all these years but I want to die still

[FireFox]

One day I overdid it with my laxative abuse and I remember it like yesterday. It was the summer of 2022 and the UK had a heatwave. Before I fell extremely ill that day throughout the week I abused my regular laxatives with a combination of appetite but the dosage was more higher than nonormal. When it was evening time I collapsed on my living room floor with no energy and the way my heart was beating it was not normal beating. I felt my heart really struggling against my body and
I never really experienced this. I thought I just needed more water because there was a heatwave.

The next couple of hours later I was in the bathroom and I couldn't stop throwing up. The vomit was a clear liquid. I could feel my body just shutting down. I went to bed to sleep it off and I felt fine the next day. I was so terrified my heart was going to stop beating and I was not going to wake up. I always wanted to die for years but for the first time I didn't want to die anymore. The realisation my existence as a person could potentially end tonight absolutely terrified me.

I admit when I woke up it was so amazing seeing the clear blue sky and the sun. Everything looked so beautiful as if I was seeing the sun and sky for the first time. That experience made me realise I am a coward afraid of death which is why even though I think of suicide I just can't do it

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Fearing death doesn't make you a coward. Most people fear death in some capacity. It's normal and can even be argued to be instinctual.

 

[LukaParrot]

Take your own life in my opinion requires a lot of courage, you are ending your own life. If proper methods are used, there is no way going back, once done is done.

I think the correct feeling is fear, fear of the death, fear of the pain, fear of cease to exist, fear of afterlife (depending what you believe).

If you can see beauty in life like the sky and the sun maybe there is still hope in you.