Venting I am a coward, and stupid, and too optimistic to die

[aiko333]

I wish I were dead.
I recently was landed in the ER because of immense pain caused by a recurring health problem doctors can't seem to fix. My condition keeps getting worse, even after the ER visit, and I can't afford to see a doctor anymore, much less pay for another treatment that won't work.
I make barely any money at a job I hate, and I can tell they're going to fire me soon; with the business downsizing during the recession they won't need me. I keep trying to find something else and only get rejected. I only have 400 dollars in my bank account. I haven't even gotten the ER bill yet.
I have no friends. I love my partner innately and unconditionally but I feel empty, lonely, unsupported and unseen. We don't go on dates and I spend almost all of my time alone.
I hate living with my partner because he's filthy, and it's hard to deal with because my autism makes it hard for me to live in unclean, untidy environments, and no matter how much I clean every surface is cluttered and dusty and dirty within the next two days. I am the only one who cleans and asking for help only ends up in blowout arguments. I can't afford to move out and I know I would be emotionally devastated if I did anyway. I hate this house but am trapped in it.
Even my dog is a source of pain. I love her, but with my health issues becoming worse I can't play with her as much or take her to the park as much. It's not fair to her. She just wants to play.

I wish I were dead, but I'm a coward. I'm an optimist. I always hold out hope it will get better but I'm too stupid to see it won't, too thick in the head and dumb to learn from every time it got worse and worse and worse. I wish I didn't love anyone, so that maybe I would be less scared of hurting them. But I am. I don't want them to live the rest of their lives wondering what happened, if it could've somehow gone differently. It's not fair. I wish I could just disappear and the world would smooth over like I was never there, and there would be no tears over where I went.

 

[hassan]

So sorry for your situation I can relate so much

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you are going through and it must be so tiring being in that situation. It's understandable wishing to just disappear, of course that's also what I wish for, such a thing sounds so ideal to me. But anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

You might feel cowardly when it comes to ending things, but it takes a great deal of bravery to get up every day, and you are doing that.

It's not the worst thing to be an optimist. Sometimes things do get better. Maybe not that often, but sometimes.

I was 35 when I met my husband, 38 when we married. And my life is pretty darn good most of the time. We both walked through rivers of shit to find each other, but we eventually did.

If you're not 100% sure that this is the time to end your life, then it isn't. You need to have 100% certainty before you decide to end your journey. Most hospitals have aid for those who cannot pay their bills. Please call them and ask.

This is a safe place to share your feelings, so please feel free to vent. People are listening.

 

[punkarmadillo]

I'm in a similar position in someways, an autistic adult, married with a child. I am living with long term, life limiting progressive disabilities, my fear now I have a set method and access to it is leaving my family behind, it would devastate my mother ( she isn't biological) and am fearful of what it would do to my child and husband, ami simply pushing the shit onto them and thus destroying their future? I hate my life, I hate living with a hoarder with no Will to live in a clean and uncluttered house, I'm unable to sort the house out, I /we have never any money, always behind on the bills, but we educate our child ourselves, so if I was suddenly gone what would it do, what would it do to my mother who's near 80, it's such a head fuck. My life is not likely to improve, but I'm struggling with this thought of what am I doing by ending mine, am I destroying those I love also.

 

[grosz]

please do not see yourself as a coward, a coward is someone who fears some petty things, while you fear death, which is normal for every human being
see yourself as strong because youre still here, even though everything has gotten batshit insane you are still here with us, you still have the energy to deal with life and that is another reason why you are not a coward, being depressed is like you are just like a tired hero, not a coward