Venting I am a bad person who deserves to die, but I am too afraid of death and I live out of spite. I'm not sure what to do.

[lonely&trapped.]

Puberty hit me like a bomb at 16. I was always a socially awkward kid, and I didn't take care of myself very well due to depression. I looked ugly and I knew this. I had no friends and I kept to myself. I was struck with terrible acne, I wasn't lucky in the genetic lottery and I was only ever somewhat average looking. As a kid I was stupid and didn't take good care of my teeth.

Fast forward to high school, and the sexual thoughts and feelings start coming on strongly. Me being a loner terminally online with nothing better to do to spend my time; I stumbled upon porn. I of course became a porn addict.

You already know where this is going, it was normal at first, but slowly became worse overtime. I would need to look at worse stuff to get my fix, yadda yadda.

I stumbled upon drawn porn/hentai/rule 34, and yea, it got so extreme I became a lolicon for a little while; I guess I could've been considered one. I've never had tor urge to ever look at real CSAM, but for some reason of course I was turned on by the drawn anime hentai stuff. Eventually, I knew it was fucked up, and I stopped looking at it cold turkey when I turned 18. I haven't since for about 6 years up to today.

My only assumption is that the porn addiction being exposed to it at such a young age fucked up my brain. I'm pretty sure I wasn't born a pedophile, I've never had pedophilic thoughts ever, I don't know how else I got this way. I've broke down crying at numerous points in my life, I've had meltdowns over how I've became like this. I so desperately wish I was normal, and I wish I had known better; but as a kid I had no forethought, how was I supposed to know I was going to fucking become like this?

Naturally, I still hate myself and think I don't deserve happiness and that I should die. However; at the same time, like the title suggests: I'm too afraid of death. I'm also bitter at life in general and I'm only continuing to live simply out of spite because of how unfair it feels that my only choice is to kill myself; regardless, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts just about everyday. I even told my dad I thought I was addicted to porn at one point, but he didn't really believe it. At some point, I felt silly and ashamed for telling him. I guess he forgot about it at some point, and I stopped caring. I didn't think it was gonna grow into a problem. Of course in retrospect, I didn't know how much it would fuck up my brain. Nobody around me was there to tell me that it was wrong, and I was none the wiser. I've tried to quit it at mutliple points in my life, but I was too weak and the urges always one over me. These days though, I don't really get urges that often as I used to. Considering how I think myself as unnatractive and I worry about growing old, sexual thoughts are on my mind way less. If I do have sexual thoughts, I don't ever think of children at all.

However, my sexual thoughts has always favored 'twinks' and 'femboys', so I still generally am attracted to guys with youthful features. I've always been worried this attraction is close/borderline peadophilic, but I've always been physically attracted to guys my age that happen to have my body type; short and skinny. So, I don't know.

This is going to sound dramatic, but back in high school I learned the story of oedipus. No, I don't think I'm some martyr or hero; moreso I think I am oedipus in the sense it feels like my life was destined to just end in tragedy.

I've sat with myself and thought about it extensively, and I can only come to one conclusion: If I was actually born a pedophile this whole time; just by nature rather than nurture, then I'm just fucked. I am mad that a cruel god decided to make me this way, and now I have to mentally suffer everyday as I'm born like this. Why couldn't I just have been normal? Why do I have to carry this unnecessary burden I never asked for? Its the sole reason why I can't bring myself to end my own life. None of this feels fucking fair, why did this have to happen to me? It makes no sense a god would make me this way, just to so have me realize I deserve to die and go to hell just for the way I was born. This is a cruel, sick joke. It makes no sense, I hate that I was born. How am I supposed to find happiness or the beauty in life at all?

I know I am greater than my urges, and that I don't want to hurt a child ever. I know it is wrong. I've never actually been sexually assaulted or raped, but I have been touched inappropiately by my brother as a kid; kind of, there was no actual skin to skin contact, but I still remember how he forced me to let him dry hump me in my underwear. I'm sorry describing that may sicken or be tiggering for some people. but I stay up at night thinking if that repressed memory had a part in screwing me up later down the line.

There you go, I know I don't expect anyone to give me sympathy, but this is eating me up inside. So of course I am going to admit this on an internet forum to people anyway. If I am consistent with my own logic, I myself should die, but I am much too afraid to kill myself, so I know I am inherently hypocritical. I wish I was a good person, that people could actually like me and love me. Its mental torture having to live everyday knowing I would be seen as dangerous. Was I never meant to live happy? Was I meant to just be a bad person?

I don't know what to do. If you hate me, thats fine, but at least give me sympathy for how I got here. At least know my desperate pleas for how much I feel mentally guilty, and it eats me up inside knowing that no matter what I say no one will believe me. I hate that I have to live like this. I hate that I have to live knowing I'm not actually meant to be here.

 

[LunarLight]

I'm so sorry. Have you tried therapy? It helps some people.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Your brother humping you could be argued to be sexual assault. Also, I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been. Being attracted to femboys is normal and has even become a common joke online because how common it is, so I don't think that it's really a sign of anything wrong with you. If you don't know for sure whether or not you are pedophile then you could try getting a diagnosis for it, but I honestly have doubts that you are one. Either way, you can only judge people by what they can control, not what they can't. You haven't gone out of your way to harm anyone and it's clear that your heart is in the right place, so there isn't anything to feel guilty about. Still, I'd recommend seeing someone about this, along with the CSA stuff that happened to you.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

I'm so sorry. Have you tried therapy? It helps some people.

I am seeking psychotherapy at least, but I am on a waitlist for 3 weeks at the moment.

 

[LunarLight]

I am seeking psychotherapy at least, but I am on a waitlist for 3 weeks at the moment.

3 weeks is not that long, although it can be tough when you're in such pain and despair. Wish you luck. My piece of advice: try everything you can to heal before thinking about CTBing.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

3 weeks is not that long, although it can be tough when you're in such pain and despair. Wish you luck. My piece of advice: try everything you can to heal before thinking about CTBing.

Thank you. Its been hard trying to cope.

 

[Unicr0n]

Your brother humping you could be argued to be sexual assault

It's not arguable, it IS sexual assault. He would be a registered sex offender for doing that if it had been reported to the police at the time.

My only assumption is that the porn addiction being exposed to it at such a young age fucked up my brain. I'm pretty sure I wasn't born a pedophile, I've never had pedophilic thoughts ever, I don't know how else I got this way. I've broke down crying at numerous points in my life, I've had meltdowns over how I've became like this. I so desperately wish I was normal, and I wish I had known better; but as a kid I had no forethought, how was I supposed to know I was going to fucking become like this?

You're a pedophile if you're sexually attracted to real or fictitious minors. If you aren't, you shouldn't even consider yourself one! Being a pedophile does NOT mean you are a child molester. Porn addiction =/= pedophile. A lot more kids especially boys are getting addicted to porn at a young age, as early as 7 years old. The porn industry isn't helping by creating barriers to porn addiction studies and spreading the myth that there's no such thing as porn addiction [there is] and pumping out younger and younger-looking women in porn. Lot of actual child porn out there being portrayed as consensual on the major porn sites too.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

Your brother humping you could be argued to be sexual assault. Also, I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been. Being attracted to femboys is normal and has even become a common joke online because how common it is, so I don't think that it's really a sign of anything wrong with you. If you don't know for sure whether or not you are pedophile then you could try getting a diagnosis for it, but I honestly have doubts that you are one. Either way, you can only judge people by what they can control, not what they can't. You haven't gone out of your way to harm anyone and it's clear that your heart is in the right place, so there isn't anything to feel guilty about. Still, I'd recommend seeing someone about this, along with the CSA stuff that happened to you.

Thank you. I will still try to seek some form of help, but admittedly I am afraid to get a diagnosis because understandably the thought of me being a pedophile terrifies me. All I know is I've thought if I am because I at least used to get turned on by that loli stuff when I was younger. I don't anymore like I said, but I still worry what was going in my brain for that to happen.

It's not arguable, it IS sexual assault. He would be a registered sex offender for doing that if it had been reported to the police at the time.

You're a pedophile if you're sexually attracted to real or fictitious minors. If you aren't, you shouldn't even consider yourself one! Porn addiction =/= pedophile. A lot more kids especially boys are getting addicted to porn at a young age, as early as 7 years old. The porn industry isn't helping by creating barriers to porn addiction studies and spreading the myth that there's no such thing as porn addiction [there is].

I was attracted to ficticious minors at least at one point. What the hell am I even supposed to do? I don't know how I'm gonna live with myself. Maybe I have to CBT myself but I really would need to snap to truly end it.

It's not arguable, it IS sexual assault. He would be a registered sex offender for doing that if it had been reported to the police at the time.

You're a pedophile if you're sexually attracted to real or fictitious minors. If you aren't, you shouldn't even consider yourself one! Being a pedophile does NOT mean you are a child molester. Porn addiction =/= pedophile. A lot more kids especially boys are getting addicted to porn at a young age, as early as 7 years old. The porn industry isn't helping by creating barriers to porn addiction studies and spreading the myth that there's no such thing as porn addiction [there is] and pumping out younger and younger-looking women in porn. Lot of actual child porn out there being portrayed as consensual on the major porn sites too.

I'm so bitter that the porn industry had been hushing actual porn addiction. I felt like maybe I'd turn out differently if I knew this way sooner.

 

[Kit1]

Thank you. Its been hard trying to cope.

I am so sorrybthat you were assaulted by your brother when you were young - that is child sexual abuse regardless of whether there was skin to skin contact. I am also sorry that you are addicted to pornography and that you are struggling with so much.

I will be honest - my life was ruined by paedophiles. I don't hate you. You recognise that there might be a problem and well done for recognising that. Watching CSA is never acceptable either - in any form. I am glad that you have reached put for support and hopefully that waiting list is not going to be too long. I don't know which country you are in, but you might want to check out if there are any specialist organisations or charities that will support you to overcome your particular concerns, porn addictions etc - might be worth checking it out. If you are in the UK, there is definitely help available.

I hope everything works out for you and good luck with the treatment/therapy.

 

[Unicr0n]

What the hell am I even supposed to do?

If it's gone now, there's no issue. I used to do bad things when I was a teen/kid. I don't anymore.

. I felt like maybe I'd turn out differently if I knew this way sooner.

The important thing is that you know now. We can't change the past but we can impact the future.

If you're still struggling w/porn addiction, a sex therapist is a great person to look to. Therapists who specialize in problematic pornography use.

 

[moshimoshi]

If I'm being completely honest, I've had a similar experience. I got addicted to porn at 10, and I think it really fucked me up. Also started getting SA'd at 14. I also relate to other things you said. I think probably the important thing is recognizing the problem, and that you're seeking help. In my opinion you're not a horrible person or anything like that. Especially because you feel guilty about it. And you want to improve, and you quit looking at that stuff. You're completely worthy of love so don't give up Although I wish I could view myself in the same way, because I truly feel like a horrible person and hate myself so much. Sending hugs

 

[mirrorgurl]

I feel for you. I think you need therapy around sex and shame. I used to feel so much shame around masturbation/ sex in general and although it's different I think it would really help you.

Society is fucked and warps our brains by appealing to natural desires. In some cultures it's accepted to marry children as young as 12. Of course, this is wrong. But porn and the over sexualisation of young girls is not something YOU created.

If you've never hurt a real child and you've never engaged in real CSAM, give yourself some grace.

You can move past these feelings and urges and feel like a good person. Try not to obsess over it. I know it's difficult.

 

[falling_snow]

Tangencially related. I think I never mentioned this in here, but when I was 15? I got convinced to send "pictures" to an older guy. In genetic lottery, I think I won a little. I have a fast metabolism, which gave a slender figure without much trying. Then I started entering the 'femboy' culture. It's disgusting. I feel disgusted by my body.

But it isn't your fault. You aren't a bad person. Your past actions, aren't what you are today. You know you did something wrong, and understand that there is something wrong with it. Loli, hentai, ... where created to attract people. They knew that people would end up in a rabbit hole. That is disgusting. Your porn addiction isn't you. Your porn addiction isn't pedophilia. We already live in a society that creates shame and shames you for it. There is no use.

But we are all certain of one thing, you are not a terrible person. Seeking help, talking to someone you trust and knows that won't judge you, these are all signs that you can and want to get better. Not to say that your reasons aren't good to ctb, but I don't think that you want to CTB, you want to kill a part of you. And that is something that other people can help you. I am proud of you.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I was also SA'd when I was seven, and then also got addicted to porn at 10. Now that I look back at it I'm digusted and ashamed at what I did. I looked at really disgusting hentai as well, but now I don't do it anymore. I've been meaning to tell someone about this, like an online psychotherapist or someone ( though a free one because I don't have money). you gave me courage to speak out about it, and now I feel that I can talk about my addiction here on this forum- the people here are so accepting. Thank you for talking about it.

 

[fleetingnight]

I strongly believe that thoughts don't define a person, it's actions, and you've never actually hurt a child.

 

[egoaltru]

You're by no means a pedophile. This simply could be a treatable case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Many others have felt what you're feeling and that may have been made worse by what your brother did to you.