Venting I am a bad person. Need to CTB, but unsure how and scared to.

[bratwurststodeath]

I am a victim of an online cult. I was love-bombed and then promoted to moderator, then leader, and roped into a polygamous relatio nship with them. I was 16 i believe. I admitted secrets and things i wasnt and will never be proud of. i was at my darkest at that time . I am now 18 years old, constantly paranoid, questioning my morals, questioning everything around me, left with the feelin g of being a bad person. everything ive been told i was over the years by them, past friends, exes and my moms abusive ex. Narcissistic, sociopathic, manipulative, sex pest, abuser, gold digger, liar, devilish, a danger to the public, life-ruiner, sexually abusive, pedophile, psychopath. I feel lost in myself, I dont know who i am . Im not even attracted to children, i do not like children. but if they say that is who i am, surely it must be true. It feels true. and now while I am having to process the abuse me and my brother went through, and my lifelong neglect by my mother, im also having to process these things ontop of that. I obsessively think about everything I have possibly done, everyone ive hurt, everyone i could have possibly hurt, everyone who hates me, and everyone who could be watching my every move now. Guilt and self hatered is eating at me. I think of everyone who could possibly want me dead, which is a lot of people it seems. I need to CTB. I need to end things so that people I hurt dont have to suffer knowing im still out there anymore. I have a method in mind, duct tape and cornhole bags, but I heard it is an unreliable method. I am scared of attempting just for it to fail and end up having to go to a hospital. I am looking for something painless or at least quick enough that the pain wont even matter. I would like a firearm but I do not have any real access to one. Any help is needed. Please do not pity me. I am a bad person. I just want to end it for other peoples sake.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You know who you are now that you are here on SaSu? You're mama bear's loved and cared little cub. There is no shame in realizing wrong things about your past. If anything, it takes strength and courage.

I do not pity you one bit. You are brave and resiliant, getting past all those terrible experiences and still going here and spitting it out. You are one heck of a cub, honey pot!

No one here has to suffer for what you did in the past. Make this place a clean slate for you, ok? Nobody here will judge you for anything but by what you do here, and by what mama's seen, you are a truthful and considerate one. Mama bear's going to let you into her lodge any time, darling. Here, come, have a hug, sweetie! *bear hug* Mama's always available for more, if you want!

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I am a victim of an online cult. I was love-bombed and then promoted to moderator, then leader, and roped into a polygamous relatio nship with them. I was 16 i believe. I admitted secrets and things i wasnt and will never be proud of. i was at my darkest at that time . I am now 18 years old, constantly paranoid, questioning my morals, questioning everything around me, left with the feelin g of being a bad person. everything ive been told i was over the years by them, past friends, exes and my moms abusive ex. Narcissistic, sociopathic, manipulative, sex pest, abuser, gold digger, liar, devilish, a danger to the public, life-ruiner, sexually abusive, pedophile, psychopath. I feel lost in myself, I dont know who i am . Im not even attracted to children, i do not like children. but if they say that is who i am, surely it must be true. It feels true. and now while I am having to process the abuse me and my brother went through, and my lifelong neglect by my mother, im also having to process these things ontop of that. I obsessively think about everything I have possibly done, everyone ive hurt, everyone i could have possibly hurt, everyone who hates me, and everyone who could be watching my every move now. Guilt and self hatered is eating at me. I think of everyone who could possibly want me dead, which is a lot of people it seems. I need to CTB. I need to end things so that people I hurt dont have to suffer knowing im still out there anymore. I have a method in mind, duct tape and cornhole bags, but I heard it is an unreliable method. I am scared of attempting just for it to fail and end up having to go to a hospital. I am looking for something painless or at least quick enough that the pain wont even matter. I would like a firearm but I do not have any real access to one. Any help is needed. Please do not pity me. I am a bad person. I just want to end it for other peoples sake.

You are a victim of a narcissistic control narrative.
I'm not going to tell you whether or not you should CTB, but I will tell you my ex-wife convinced me I was the worst person in the world. Flash Forward I'm fighting for my kids and she completely abandoned them. I'm going to tell you something and it's going to be a tough pill to swallow but you really need to hear the truth here...

If the people who have labeled you all these horrible things didn't have you in their life, they would just find someone new to project their insecurities onto. I don't care if you were molested/did molest/etc someone because the truth is you can devote your life to fixing your mistakes or you can die a meaningless death

I'm really curious what cult you're referring to.
I study cults and honestly I've been thinking about joining one because my life's gone to shit.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I study cults and honestly I've been thinking about joining one because my life's gone to shit.

If you study them, you should know you shouldn't join them, but hey, your life, your rules. Just don't make others suffer please.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

If you study them, you should know you shouldn't join them, but hey, your life, your rules. Just don't make others suffer please.

Honestly, I study them and I normally wouldn't join them but if I lose my kids I kind of want to lose my mind. I don't expect you to understand the pain I'm going through but I am sure you I'm doing everything possible to not hurt anyone else despite it being just if I did. I'm not capable of hurting anyone other than myself.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Honestly, I study them and I normally wouldn't join them but if I lose my kids I kind of want to lose my mind. I don't expect you to understand the pain I'm going through but I am sure you I'm doing everything possible to not hurt anyone else despite it being just if I did. I'm not capable of hurting anyone other than myself.

Maybe in madness one can find peace. I hope you find yours.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Maybe in madness one can find peace. I hope you find yours.

There is no peace in madness, the only gift is the lack of self. I do believe the ego is what leads to most people's suicide. We associate identity and ownership and association and in all actuality...
These very constructs define us more than our own consciousness. But really what else is there?
But I appreciate you.

Mr/Mrs? Bear.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I am a victim of an online cult. I was love-bombed and then promoted to moderator, then leader, and roped into a polygamous relatio nship with them. I was 16 i believe. I admitted secrets and things i wasnt and will never be proud of. i was at my darkest at that time . I am now 18 years old, constantly paranoid, questioning my morals, questioning everything around me, left with the feelin g of being a bad person. everything ive been told i was over the years by them, past friends, exes and my moms abusive ex. Narcissistic, sociopathic, manipulative, sex pest, abuser, gold digger, liar, devilish, a danger to the public, life-ruiner, sexually abusive, pedophile, psychopath. I feel lost in myself, I dont know who i am . Im not even attracted to children, i do not like children. but if they say that is who i am, surely it must be true. It feels true. and now while I am having to process the abuse me and my brother went through, and my lifelong neglect by my mother, im also having to process these things ontop of that. I obsessively think about everything I have possibly done, everyone ive hurt, everyone i could have possibly hurt, everyone who hates me, and everyone who could be watching my every move now. Guilt and self hatered is eating at me. I think of everyone who could possibly want me dead, which is a lot of people it seems. I need to CTB. I need to end things so that people I hurt dont have to suffer knowing im still out there anymore. I have a method in mind, duct tape and cornhole bags, but I heard it is an unreliable method. I am scared of attempting just for it to fail and end up having to go to a hospital. I am looking for something painless or at least quick enough that the pain wont even matter. I would like a firearm but I do not have any real access to one. Any help is needed. Please do not pity me. I am a bad person. I just want to end it for other peoples sake.

I was in a cult as well, and dabbled in two others. I would definitely NOT make any decisions about ctb untill you've spent some time out of the cult. It colors your worldview in a way that's just not accurate.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

There is no peace in madness, the only gift is the lack of self. I do believe the ego is what leads to most people's suicide. We associate identity and ownership and association and in all actuality...
These very constructs defined as more than our own consciousness. But really what else is there?
But I appreciate you.

Mr/Mrs? Bear.

Mr., but you can call me mama. I try my best to understand others fully, but I am aware people are deeper than they appear. If you wish to lose your individuality, there are ways to do that without cults, but I understand you have a higher knowledge about them and therefore is more comfortable in a place where you know the ins and outs.

I appreciate you too, my cub. You may feel lost, and with reason, but mama bear will always have a space for you in her heart. *gentle smile*

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I was in a cult as well, and dabbled in two others. I would definitely NOT make any decisions about ctb untill you've spent some time out of the cult. It colors your worldview in a way that's just not accurate.

I'm honestly really curious about what a cult does to you psychologically. I would very much love to be able to free women in polygamist cults but I do truly think that most people don't realize they're in a cult, is that true?

Mr., but you can call me mama. I try my best to understand others fully, but I am aware people are deeper than they appear. If you wish to lose your individuality, there are ways to do that without cults, but I understand you have a higher knowledge about them and therefore is more comfortable in a place where you know the ins and outs.

I appreciate you too, my cub. You may feel lost, and with reason, but mama bear will always have a space for you in her heart. *gentle smile*

I've studied very little I'm still learning. My autocorrect has been slipping today haha.
I've done a lot of psychedelics and I do feel very in tune with the universe at times but,I need a goal

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm honestly really curious about what a cult does to you psychologically. I would very much love to be able to free women in polygamist cults but I do truly think that most people don't realize they're in a cult, is that true?

I've studied very little I'm still learning. My autocorrect has been slipping today haha.
I've done a lot of psychedelics and I do feel very in tune with the universe at times but,I need a goal

This is just a suggestion, but mama bear was created out of the desire for a motherly figure that was missing in my life, and I wanted to give it to others what was lacking for me. Perhaps you can do something similar: Look at what would make you feel at peace, and give towards others as much as you can.

Of course, again, this is but a suggestion. I believe you can figure out a goal for yourself, if you search for it enough. I hope you find your goal and it fulfills part of your yearning for knowledge and answers.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

This is just a suggestion, but mama bear was created out of the desire for a motherly figure that was missing in my life, and I wanted to give it to others what was lacking for me. Perhaps you can do something similar: Look at what would make you feel at peace, and give towards others as much as you can.

Of course, again, this is but a suggestion. I believe you can figure out a goal for yourself, if you search for it enough. I hope you find your goal and it fulfills part of your yearning for knowledge and answers.

Thank you I really appreciate your support. I know a lot of people tend to shrug off other people and not realizing that when we give affection we generally need a little bit of recharge back, that's just how energy works... But I found out something really disturbing about my ex in regards to her abusing my kids and I just haven't been able to process it. So I want you to know I appreciate you, just at this time I can't find the words to let you know that.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Thank you I really appreciate your support. I know a lot of people tend to shrug off other people and not realizing that when we give affection we generally need a little bit of recharge back, that's just how energy works... But I found out something really disturbing about my ex in regards to her abusing my kids and I just haven't been able to process it. So I want you to know I appreciate you, just at this time I can't find the words to let you know that.

I think the words "I appreciate you" are appropriate words, sweetie, but no need to worry about that. When you want to, you can always call back mama. She sees in you someone in deep pain and knows that you need your own time to do things. I just want you to know that mama's always waiting for you with hugs and kisses, honey. I hope you stay safe, and remember me when you need someone to listen. Mama loves the attention, but also that what she does is valuable and needed here in this world, and that's one of the ways I recharge.

You'll always be welcome in my arms, no matter what.

 

[bratwurststodeath]

i have decided that i am putting my plan in full force. any happiness that comes into my life is quickly snatched out of my hands. i want a future, i want to make movies, i want to write scripts. but it feels like no matter what i do, nothing works for me. my life has been emotionally and mentally ruined and shattered. people want me dead. ill give them that. maybe ill even livestream it.

 

[tiredash]

You yourself said it. You are a victim of these people. There is a reason why exist being underage, which is because underage people tend to not have enough knowledge about the world and cant judge things correctly. This is why underage people are (supposed to be) protected.

About questioning your morals... Tbh this is something that everyone should do but many dont, and they just turn off their brain and roll with whatever their environment says. If anything, this is a good thing. Just think about your morals and set them straight. But dont ever feel bad to doubting yourself.

Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'm honestly really curious about what a cult does to you psychologically. I would very much love to be able to free women in polygamist cults but I do truly think that most people don't realize they're in a cult, is that true?

I've studied very little I'm still learning. My autocorrect has been slipping today haha.
I've done a lot of psychedelics and I do feel very in tune with the universe at times but,I need a goal

It is 100% true that people don't know they're in cults. Who willingly joins a cult? They don't. They think they're taking self-improvement courses, or attending a political rally, or something along the lines of helping humanity. And cult recruiters are really good at reading people and targeting your passions and your pain points. Oh, you're an immigrant? Angry about the recent election? Why don't you meet...? You're a Buddhist? You lost your husband? We have a retreat... It's so gradual.

People in cults are made to feel like they're loved and more importantly, like they're unique and needed. Like they stumbled on something special and they just have to share it. Often, by the time the red flags show up, you're too emotionally invested to just dump it. You also may have cut off your friends and family and invested large amounts of money and be isolated that way.

 

[Linda]

I am a victim of an online cult. I was love-bombed and then promoted to moderator, then leader, and roped into a polygamous relatio nship with them. I was 16 i believe. I admitted secrets and things i wasnt and will never be proud of. i was at my darkest at that time . I am now 18 years old, constantly paranoid, questioning my morals, questioning everything around me, left with the feelin g of being a bad person. everything ive been told i was over the years by them, past friends, exes and my moms abusive ex. Narcissistic, sociopathic, manipulative, sex pest, abuser, gold digger, liar, devilish, a danger to the public, life-ruiner, sexually abusive, pedophile, psychopath. I feel lost in myself, I dont know who i am . Im not even attracted to children, i do not like children. but if they say that is who i am, surely it must be true. It feels true. and now while I am having to process the abuse me and my brother went through, and my lifelong neglect by my mother, im also having to process these things ontop of that. I obsessively think about everything I have possibly done, everyone ive hurt, everyone i could have possibly hurt, everyone who hates me, and everyone who could be watching my every move now. Guilt and self hatered is eating at me. I think of everyone who could possibly want me dead, which is a lot of people it seems. I need to CTB. I need to end things so that people I hurt dont have to suffer knowing im still out there anymore. I have a method in mind, duct tape and cornhole bags, but I heard it is an unreliable method. I am scared of attempting just for it to fail and end up having to go to a hospital. I am looking for something painless or at least quick enough that the pain wont even matter. I would like a firearm but I do not have any real access to one. Any help is needed. Please do not pity me. I am a bad person. I just want to end it for other peoples sake.

You are not a bad person. You are a good person - or, at least, no worse than the rest of us - who has been through some difficult experiences. Try to love yourself a bit more.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

i have decided that i am putting my plan in full force. any happiness that comes into my life is quickly snatched out of my hands. i want a future, i want to make movies, i want to write scripts. but it feels like no matter what i do, nothing works for me. my life has been emotionally and mentally ruined and shattered. people want me dead. ill give them that. maybe ill even livestream it.

I hope you are still here. Whatever you have done, I'm sure others have done way worse. Hell, I have a horror story of my own, if you want to hear it. I honestly thought I would never survive it. I almost didn't. I almost hanged myself. But here I am.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

It is 100% true that people don't know they're in cults. Who willingly joins a cult? They don't. They think they're taking self-improvement courses, or attending a political rally, or something along the lines of helping humanity. And cult recruiters are really good at reading people and targeting your passions and your pain points. Oh, you're an immigrant? Angry about the recent election? Why don't you meet...? You're a Buddhist? You lost your husband? We have a retreat... It's so gradual.

People in cults are made to feel like they're loved and more importantly, like they're unique and needed. Like they stumbled on something special and they just have to share it. Often, by the time the red flags show up, you're too emotionally invested to just dump it. You also may have cut off your friends and family and invested large amounts of money and be isolated that way.

What cult were you a part of? I appreciate your feedback, and I really do feel that political parties are great examples of cult behavior but from an outsider's perspective compared to someone who has lived through it, I know things could be drastically different so I am very glad that at least some of my suspicions are confirmed.
I'm highly against most things I read because everyone tends to have an agenda so what we perceive as facts from trusted parties are generally corporations painting a narrative...

So I don't mean to ask 50 questions, but I sense the honesty and I also feel like you have no benefit to lie people are usually most honest when they're venting.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

What cult were you a part of? I appreciate your feedback, and I really do feel that political parties are great examples of cult behavior but from an outsider's perspective compared to someone who has lived through it, I know things could be drastically different so I am very glad that at least some of my suspicions are confirmed.
I'm highly against most things I read because everyone tends to have an agenda so what we perceive as facts from trusted parties are generally corporations painting a narrative...

So I don't mean to ask 50 questions, but I sense the honesty and I also feel like you have no benefit to lie people are usually most honest when they're venting.

Please, ask away! PM me if you want.

I'm not writing a book about my story or making money or in any way famous. My story wasn't even that bad. My involvement was very brief and I was very lucky. I lost a few hundred dollars and a few hours on phone calls. I was a member of an obscure political cult called LaRouche PAC. It's a bizarre, conspiracy-laden labyrinth of a philosophy that promoted noble ideals about building infrastructure in the developing world, but behind the scenes supporting evil policies such as a forced AIDS quarantine back in the 1980s. They also are obsessed with controlling your access to pop culture and allowing you only to listen to certain classical artists. I could say so much more, including one story where I narrowly avoided a kidnapping, but I don't want to overwhelm you. Let's just say if I knew all the facts up front, I would have walked right past that booth on the street. But they sucked me in by making me, a college dropout, feel like I could affect world affairs.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Please, ask away! PM me if you want.

I'm not writing a book about my story or making money or in any way famous. My story wasn't even that bad. My involvement was very brief and I was very lucky. I lost a few hundred dollars and a few hours on phone calls. I was a member of an obscure political cult called LaRouche PAC. It's a bizarre, conspiracy-laden labyrinth of a philosophy that promoted noble ideals about building infrastructure in the developing world, but behind the scenes supporting evil policies such as a forced AIDS quarantine back in the 1980s. They also are obsessed with controlling your access to pop culture and allowing you only to listen to certain classical artists. I could say so much more, including one story where I narrowly avoided a kidnapping, but I don't want to overwhelm you. Let's just say if I knew all the facts up front, I would have walked right past that booth on the street. But they sucked me in by making me, a college dropout, feel like I could affect world affairs.

I will definitely pm you later. Trust me you won't overwhelm me. One of the reasons I disassociate so much and often detach or withdrawal from society is everything is you literally can't trust anything. PETA is probably the best example because they promote vegan lifestyles and shame and guilt people into accepting their World views as the only way to be human... All while running thousands of kill shelters.

This is something that really fascinates me though. I would love to know how you fell into this and at what point did you pick up on red flags etc.
I'm heading to bed if I don't respond I have to be up in like 3 hours, but definitely take the liberty of messaging me if you want to vent or tell your story versus me just compiling what I think are relevant questions.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I will definitely pm you later. Trust me you won't overwhelm me. One of the reasons I disassociate so much and often detach or withdrawal from society is everything is you literally can't trust anything. PETA is probably the best example because they promote vegan lifestyles and shame and guilt people into accepting their World views as the only way to be human... All while running thousands of kill shelters.

This is something that really fascinates me though. I would love to know how you fell into this and at what point did you pick up on red flags etc.
I'm heading to bed if I don't respond I have to be up in like 3 hours, but definitely take the liberty of messaging me if you want to vent or tell your story versus me just compiling what I think are relevant questions.

Tried to send a PM but wasn't able to. Want to try me?

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Tried to send a PM but wasn't able to. Want to try me?

Yeah, that's weird. I sent a pm though

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Honestly, I study them and I normally wouldn't join them but if I lose my kids I kind of want to lose my mind. I don't expect you to understand the pain I'm going through but I am sure you I'm doing everything possible to not hurt anyone else despite it being just if I did. I'm not capable of hurting anyone other than myself.

@karakoltriste did I upset you somehow?

 

[bratwurststodeath]

I hope you are still here. Whatever you have done, I'm sure others have done way worse. Hell, I have a horror story of my own, if you want to hear it. I honestly thought I would never survive it. I almost didn't. I almost hanged myself. But here I am.

i am a quitter. i sent them the suicide note but i was confronted and i broke down crying. i am back here thinking about it again. i am very lonely and sad. i am safe but i wish i went through with it. i feel like no one will ever take me seriously again..
i am a quitter and it makes me mad.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

i am a quitter. i sent them the suicide note but i was confronted and i broke down crying. i am back here thinking about it again. i am very lonely and sad. i am safe but i wish i went through with it. i feel like no one will ever take me seriously again..
i am a quitter and it makes me mad.

You can PM me if you want.

 

[bratwurststodeath]

I think I might actually do it.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I think I might actually do it.

If you do, that's your choice and I'll respect it, but remember that I'm here whenever you need me. I might not have a good memory but I do have a big heart. Mama bear always has room for another hurting soul inside her heart.

 

[bratwurststodeath]

If you do, that's your choice and I'll respect it, but remember that I'm here whenever you need me. I might not have a good memory but I do have a big heart. Mama bear always has room for another hurting soul inside her heart.

My girlfriend broke up with me. Everything feels so pointless. I need to feel loved and held. I'm so lonely. We're still friends but I was wrong again about finding "the one". I smoked all day today because being sober hurt worse. I miss her love. She loves me as a friend but it just hurts so much I can't have her. She said I didn't do anything wrong but it all still feels like my fault, I wish I could've done something to make it better. I am not good enough to be loved. I wouldn't mind speaking to you, but I am quicker to respond if it's on discord because I don't come on here much . I am trying so hard to get over it but I'm just grieving. I want to be dead.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

My girlfriend broke up with me. Everything feels so pointless. I need to feel loved and held. I'm so lonely. We're still friends but I was wrong again about finding "the one". I smoked all day today because being sober hurt worse. I miss her love. She loves me as a friend but it just hurts so much I can't have her. She said I didn't do anything wrong but it all still feels like my fault, I wish I could've done something to make it better. I am not good enough to be loved. I wouldn't mind speaking to you, but I am quicker to respond if it's on discord because I don't come on here much . I am trying so hard to get over it but I'm just grieving. I want to be dead.

Loss hurts, there's no denying that, and can take a while to process, but it does eventually go away, or at least weakens enough for one stop hurting to it. You're already on stage 3 (Denial, Anger, Depression, Acceptance) of the 4 stages of grief so I can safely say that you're at least more than halfway there. Sometimes relationships just don't work, and it's not anyone's fault. You feel like you're guilty of letting it go sour, but what could you have realistically done differently? And would that change actually help? Sometimes, it was meant to be something temporary, and nobody is at fault for things they could or couldn't have done.

I can't make a Discord account because they don't accept my number for some reason, though I'm always here if you need me. I prefer the slower pace of a forum and conversations to a live chat (But we do also have live chat if you want that.)

I wish I could do more than just be text on screen, but alas, I'll do whatever I can to help, friend. Mama bear always tries her best!