I am 5 weeks into college and the consequences are devastating...

[noname223]

I had a 1 year hiatus. I felt so much better. My suicidality decreased so much. I had some success in dating.
Now I am attending college since 5 weeks again and my mental health deteriorated so much.

I am making progress by handing in papers. (but I use AI) I already invested so much mental energy in this semester. If I quit, it was all utterly useless. And in the next semester way worse courses are waiting for me.

My sleep becomes less and less. I am waking up earlier and earlier. After the one year hiatus my sleep finally normalized again. I felt so much better. I could sleep until 8 or 9 a.m. regularly. This was amazing. If my sleep deteriorates in this speed I am soon awake at 3 a.m. again. And I have to take addictive sleep medication to influence my sleep. Sometimes, but very rarely I take benzos. But they open the gates to hell.

I did the math. I am now in 5 weeks. The semester is over in July approximately 10 weeks from now. And I have to hand in my seminar papers in 18 weeks.

One of my biggest fears is to get caught using AI. But I put a lot work into it to correct mistakes, factcheck, change the content. But honestly what is the worst that can happen. I hope they throw me out of the course. (I wish they would kill myself for it...) This would help my mental health so much. It is close to impossible that I get my degree. I had to do 6 semesters. I would kill myself way beforehand. My suicidal thoughts have become stronger during these 5 weeks.

My mom would be fine if I quitted. My dad pressures me instead and I told him that he is not helpful. But he is too stupid too realize. My therapist called it bold and gratulated me when I told her I try it this semester. I think she more and more realized that college is indeed a nightmare. She had the hypothesis the anxiety will become less when I don't quit which is utter bullshit. I attended 5 semesters and I only deteriorated from semester to semester. It was a living nightmare. But I feel like such a failure if I quit. I hate the expectations.

 

[getoutgirl]

College does make the grave a lot more appealing for a lot of people.
It's a lot of progress you are making I will corroborate that in case you are not giving enough credit to yourself for it. Same with your factchecking and work you put in your papers, it's there regardless of AI use. It's already a corroding problem unis face you are putting a lot more effort than a lot of people who don't even go through what you have or share your circumnstances. So be kind to yourself, if you can.

Sorry you are dealing with sleep issues, college does that also but if your case is specially bad then there is no point comparing. I hope you dont' have to get back to those hellgates.

You are 1/3 of the way there, that's like a third over not being a third over there, that's a lot!
But seriously, I dropped out cos I had a mental breakdown crisis spree thinking of all the semesters and exams and shit I failed and had to retake and the tsunami that was ahead of me. I've learned not to do that. There is an impulse to calculate all the big picture, but it does little to help, and a lot more to fuck you up. It's the brain running on anxiety. It can and will break you if you keep doing that regurarely. Fortunately, the tsunami is only so if you look at it form that far away, from the big picture, in reality is more a series of waves, crushing ones sure, but manageable. If you think of the whole the brain sees a massive beast and it calls for the eject seat. I also thought 2 more years of that would be insane and comical to believe if every week was it's own disaster. But I kept getting through each week so... and there were only more weeks like those ahead, there are no megaweeks of 54 days...
I am rambling but what I'm trying to say is that the mindset and call to calculate and anticipate to the big picture is responsible for a lot of that daily pain and anxiety, as contradictory as it might seem. It does not help. The brain is wrong with that. It's best to numb it a little and think in a smaller scale so as to not go insane and hopeless and suicidal. And it works usually!

that's my lil rant on what I wish I had done. Expectations suck, college is a nightmare, it can be a worse nightmare if you let your brain loose on that fear, but it can be a better and even more pleasant nightmare if you are kind to yourself with it and take it bit by bit, or try to, that alone is enough. And if you are there it's because in a way you'd like to graduate. And if you do, and manage to overcome all that, I don't think a lot of things are worthy of more pride. Until that, again, I'll repeat myself, take it easy and vent whenever, I believe you can do it if that counts for anything.
Lots of hugs at you <3333333333

 

[noname223]

College does make the grave a lot more appealing for a lot of people.
It's a lot of progress you are making I will corroborate that in case you are not giving enough credit to yourself for it. Same with your factchecking and work you put in your papers, it's there regardless of AI use. It's already a corroding problem unis face you are putting a lot more effort than a lot of people who don't even go through what you have or share your circumnstances. So be kind to yourself, if you can.

Sorry you are dealing with sleep issues, college does that also but if your case is specially bad then there is no point comparing. I hope you dont' have to get back to those hellgates.

You are 1/3 of the way there, that's like a third over not being a third over there, that's a lot!
But seriously, I dropped out cos I had a mental breakdown crisis spree thinking of all the semesters and exams and shit I failed and had to retake and the tsunami that was ahead of me. I've learned not to do that. There is an impulse to calculate all the big picture, but it does little to help, and a lot more to fuck you up. It's the brain running on anxiety. It can and will break you if you keep doing that regurarely. Fortunately, the tsunami is only so if you look at it form that far away, from the big picture, in reality is more a series of waves, crushing ones sure, but manageable. If you think of the whole the brain sees a massive beast and it calls for the eject seat. I also thought 2 more years of that would be insane and comical to believe if every week was it's own disaster. But I kept getting through each week so... and there were only more weeks like those ahead, there are no megaweeks of 54 days...
I am rambling but what I'm trying to say is that the mindset and call to calculate and anticipate to the big picture is responsible for a lot of that daily pain and anxiety, as contradictory as it might seem. It does not help. The brain is wrong with that. It's best to numb it a little and think in a smaller scale so as to not go insane and hopeless and suicidal. And it works usually!

that's my lil rant on what I wish I had done. Expectations suck, college is a nightmare, it can be a worse nightmare if you let your brain loose on that fear, but it can be a better and even more pleasant nightmare if you are kind to yourself with it and take it bit by bit, or try to, that alone is enough. And if you are there it's because in a way you'd like to graduate. And if you do, and manage to overcome all that, I don't think a lot of things are worthy of more pride. Until that, again, I'll repeat myself, take it easy and vent whenever, I believe you can do it if that counts for anything.
Lots of hugs at you <3333333333

Thanks for this very kind reply. You put a lot of effort in it.

 

[EternalShore]

College is awful~ :( I'm sorry you have to be back there again~ >_< When you get out, will it get you an opportunity to get a job you'd prefer? If that's the case, I'd just use that as a goal and wade through it all~ >_< idk about Germany, but I know the US has so much focus on pieces of paper! >_< well, and "experience" too, but only if you also have that sheet of paper! It was awful for me too, and I hope you're able to smudge through it~ >_< I wish your sleeping meds worked better without being so awful on you! D: I'm sure you've tried more than just meds for sleeping tho, right~? Consistency is key, and if you're ever tempted to do an all-nighter to get something done, that means you should've started on it earlier~ >_< which is difficult, but if you start on things right when you get them and not later, it'll really help with your stress levels too! :D if you're really stressed about getting caught using AI, I just wouldn't use it tho~ Sure, it's more work, but you'll have a clear conscience and sleep more soundly knowing you're not going to receive a 0~

 

[broken_stoic]

Some tips on college that may or may not help (but I hope they do). Take them for what they are. If they don't help toss them in the bin. If they do, then great .

• Prioritize
  • Don't try to be perfect at everything
    • Find your most high-value targets and reach those
    • I always calculated out points for each assignment and how much I could miss and still get the grade I wanted at the beginning of the semester (I was a perfectionist but we won't go there)
• Strategize
  • Use sites like ratemyprofessor (or whatever the equivalent is now)
  • Balance some easy/difficult classes each semester
  • Make a visual list/calendar of all your important quizzes/tests/finals/papers that you can and plan for them
• Socialize
  • As much as possible spend time with other people
  • Do study groups if you can
    • They might not help with actual studying, but social activity is good
  • Find some friends to vent with if you can, it really helps
• Grades don't matter as much as you think (unless you're going to grad school)
  • I wish I had listened to my professor early, but nobody gives a fuck about your grades after college
    • Grades do matter more if you might want to go on to a graduate program
  • You do need good enough grades to stay in college, get financing (if applicable) but you don't need perfect
    • Better is better, but seriously unless you are going into academia or a graduate program nobody is going to give a fuck
• Take breaks
  • Try to plan periods of time when you don't have to worry about anything, and actually give yourself a real break
  • Go somewhere outside of your dorm if you can
  • Get outside in nature if you can, even if only for an hour here and there
  • Your brain will work better if you take regular time away from studies
  • Go to the gym and life something heavy, socialize, see a movie, anything that gets your mind off studies for awhile
• Get some help
  • Find a professor you like/trust and ask them for some general advice in handling college
    • It also helps to engage with professors as much as you can, this will usually make them more sympathetic and willing to help especially if they see you are actively trying and interested in their subject (that will pretty much make their day)
  • See if there is a therapist/counselor on campus

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've helped my kids through college and have come to understand from them, what a nightmare it can be. They had terrible things happen to them which were not their fault and were a real punch in the gut, I could not believe it. But you know what, life sucks and punches you in the gut. College is a subset of life. HOWEVER, it's not the only way, of course. Would your dad be ok if you switched to a different path, such as, a job that doesn't require a college education? If not, well what the hell, just take one day at a time. As I re-read what I wrote here I suspect it might not be helpful to you. But I sincerely wish you the best and sympathize with your struggles.

 

[noname223]

I consider to quit. If I had a love delusion with the woman in the self-help group. This gonna be really painful. And the pain might be enough to either kill me lol or to quit college. I think the latter is preferable (at least to my parents) I have the feeling my brain is on fire. I simply cannot relax anymore. I am way too ill for college anyway.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Does your Dad want you to finish it because it will give you better future prospects? But then, I don't fully understand if I'm honest because, you seem sure you won't be able to work. So truthfully, I'm scratching my head a little in what the goal is. A qualification?

It's obvious you are highly intelligent and the course gives you a way to demonstrate it and be rewarded for it via good grades. That ought to be a good thing but, it just seems like the stress to excel far exceeds anything else. I struggled too with that. I expect anyone does who wants to succeed but, when it's leading to possible borderline addiction problems (if you need drugs to cope), terrible stress, huge ideation, ill health, I'm not sure the good outweighs the bad.

My query is- at what cost does this come at, and what is the reward? Personally, I suppose I'd be asking myself: Will it be worse in the long-run if I quit? WillI look back and regret that decision? Will that regret eat me up more? In which case- it's more about finding ways to make it manageable now.

Or, is the cost so high. Ill health, possibly more intense ideation and another attempt? Is it truly worth it for that? I suppose I find it kind of odd your Dad thinks it is worth it for that. But then, I kind of think a lot of parents are naively optimistic. That we'll eventually turn out strong and able members of society.

 

[noname223]

Does your Dad want you to finish it because it will give you better future prospects? But then, I don't fully understand if I'm honest because, you seem sure you won't be able to work. So truthfully, I'm scratching my head a little in what the goal is. A qualification?

It's obvious you are highly intelligent and the course gives you a way to demonstrate it and be rewarded for it via good grades. That ought to be a good thing but, it just seems like the stress to excel far exceeds anything else. I struggled too with that. I expect anyone does who wants to succeed but, when it's leading to possible borderline addiction problems (if you need drugs to cope), terrible stress, huge ideation, ill health, I'm not sure the good outweighs the bad.

My query is- at what cost does this come at, and what is the reward? Personally, I suppose I'd be asking myself: Will it be worse in the long-run if I quit? WillI look back and regret that decision? Will that regret eat me up more? In which case- it's more about finding ways to make it manageable now.

Or, is the cost so high. Ill health, possibly more intense ideation and another attempt? Is it truly worth it for that? I suppose I find it kind of odd your Dad thinks it is worth it for that. But then, I kind of think a lot of parents are naively optimistic. That we'll eventually turn out strong and able members of society.

First of All, thanks for calling me highly intelligent. It made me giggle.

So the day was rough thus far. My lecturer said he is not sure whether some texts were writen with the help of AI. And shortly afterwards I had the excercise to defend my paper in my course. I think my lecturer might notice I have social anxiety. I was not sure whether it was a test. In psychotic thoughts you often feel like someone is testing you.

I am such a mental wreck in this course. First I started unstable/shacky voice but I think I did my job very well. Made some minor mistakes. I got again the third best grade. I don't understand his criticism though. But holy shit this Was horrible for my mental health. It was real agony.

I had an interesting conversation in this course with a woman though. I had the feeling she might be interested in me. I think I do college Inter alia for increasing my chance on the dating market.

So I headed home. And now I head again to college to my self-help group. I am really interested in this one woman with psychosis.

You are right going to college is irrational. My therapist had this ridiculous idea the anxiety will become less. The opposite is the case. I will talk about it tomorrow with her.