Venting I almost ctb today

[orbit]

My parents decided to take a mini holiday to a town about 5 hours from me, so I've been left with my brother and the kitty cat to take care of everything.

My brother is a pretty horrible person. He refuses to help me while my parents are gone, instead making messes and taking the piss out of me. He does a lot of drugs so I feel like it's partially to blame for his behavior but it still upsets me.

The thing is I'm autistic and dyspraxic, I struggle with housework especially understanding how to do it safely. My parents are my carers, at least legally speaking so I rely on them to care for me. I rely on them to survive and they've just up and left me with all this responsibility. I haven't been sleeping much due to the anxiety.

They told me to call them if I'm struggling and need advice so I have because I don't have anyone to turn to. I started my period which makes me physically sick because of the pain and makes it so I can't move much without throwing my guts up. I let them know about this and asked how to cook some of the ready meals that we have at home because google was confusing me and I hadn't eaten in a couple days. They never previously taught me how to do stuff because they'd get frustrated with me being slow. They were okay about it when I called about that but I then had an issue with getting the rubbish out of the bin to take out because it was jammed and I have very little strength due to being hypermobile and being in a lot of pain with my period. I apologised for calling them and asked if it's worth going to the neighbours because my brother refused to help and they went mental.

They went on this whole rant about how I don't know how to do anything, that I'm useless and I'm choosing not to do things because I'm lazy and I'm ruining their holiday and that I'm trying to split them up. I got upset at this and tried to explain why I was struggling but they wouldn't have it. They kept yelling at me about how I'm being useless and that there's no future for me and I'm burdening them because I'll never be able to live alone so they're stuck with me, I reminded them I'm applying for assisted living and am trying my best to be more independent but they just wouldn't have it. I started crying and they could hear it through the phone and that made them yell more. I had a panic attack and ended up kicking and slamming the bin against the floor to get the bin bag out, I told them I managed to do it but the bin is a little dented and they got even angrier.

I broke down because I feel like I'm just fucking stupid. I hate that simple things are so complicated for me. I don't want to rely on my parents, I don't do it out of choice. They said that I was emotionally manipulating them with my autism and all this other shit about how I'm a piece of shit and I ruin their lives so I just hung up on them.

I get where they're coming from, no one wants a disabled kid. I get they just wanna live their lives now their kids are adults, I get I am a burden from default. I don't really think I have a right to be upset. I am a burden.

So I just walked out the house and decided then and there to ctb. My mind just sort of went blank I've never really had it happen before like that. I just walked down the road towards this river thats like 20 minutes away from me. But halfway I noticed my kitty followed me she was meowing and I heard and she was there. She's followed me outside before but never this far. I was like I may as well take her back home first because I don't want her to get hit by a car so I scooped her up and took her back home. But then I just kind of stayed because she wanted cuddles and I realised she wouldn't know or understand that I'm dead and I felt bad.

My parents called me again they yelled at me about how when they get back they're gunna teach me stuff which I welcome and would be grateful for but they keep yelling at me and calling me names and I know I deserve it and it's not a big deal but I don't know. Maybe it's the hormones.

I don't think there is a future for me but my cat won't understand that and I love her and I just feel a lot of feelings I can't express properly.

I was all for recovering and everything until today but now that hope feels all shattered because the people I rely on don't even want me around. It's kind of funny I considered ctb over a fucking bin but idk. Maybe it's the hormones. I have very mixed feelings and I'm kind of rambling here.

I'm glad to be back here. I'm not a new member I'm just on a new account for safety reasons I won't get into, but it's been a year since I've been on the site. It's nice to have an an outlet again because if I told anyone else this I'd be skinned alive. I mean I am being stupid so I'd get it but yeah.

Sorry for the rambling I feel a bit strange cuz of the painkillers I took since they're my dads prescribed ones he told me to take them because the shop refused to sell me them because 'I look too pale' which is just fucking weird like I showed her my ID and she still refused and these painkillers are kind of strong so I think I'm a bit out of it

 

[looking4partner]

Sorry I can't write much rn, because of panic & exhaustion but I saw your post & I wanted to reply to something you said.

You don't deserve to be yelled at like that & it actually is a big deal. Everything that was said to you was very mean & in fact, emotionally/verbally abusive if that was exact quotes of what was said.

Autistic people should be encouraged more especially by family & if they were, that might help less of them to develop mental illness & low self-esteem. Because it seems like most of them who are not suicidal have supportive families who accommodate and encourage and teach them how to do things that will help them become independent who are patient instead of getting upset because they are slow.


My parents were also like that (didn't teach me or answer questions, but expected me to just know how to do things or I had to because they just left every time I needed help with something.) And rush me so I have to do it right now or never without even giving me time to think or concentrate. And one expected me to also help her with things she didn't know how to do even though she never helped me when I asked her for help. So I had to figure out my own problems on top of helping with her problems. My other parent would just yell at me every time I interacted with them which is the opposite of what helps people to learn. And re-do the things that I had just did to try & help, so it was like "What is the point of me even doing this then if they're just going to re-do everything I did anyway?" They also wouldn't let me pour milk even when I was a teenager because I had spilled it before I think. Basically, I was treated like I was incapable, but also expected to know everything & how to do it without any help when no one had taught me.

Sorry that got longer than I meant to write