Venting i almost attempted(?) ctb

[jigsaw_falling]

i finished my exams on friday, i've finished school, and now i guess i have time before i go to university. it felt like i'm no longer in the middle of something- a part of my life has ended, so good timing to end my whole life i guess. i went to therapy, and on the way back i got off at a stop, walked to where i know the train tracks are. i climbed on the wall, and kind of just stood there, on pole that i've have to pull myself up from to get onto the tracks.

but i didn't, i just stood there, for 20 minutes, like an idiot, waiting for any people to pass by. i ended up crying and being too scared, and i got back down from the pole and the wall. i called my best friend, and told her to come where i was because she lives near. i told her what happened because she knows i'm suicidal and she is too, and she genuinely made me feel more safe.

but now i wish i did do it, i didn't even attempt to ctb, but it's the closest i've gotten. i want to try again, actually this time, im just so scared. my friend made me feel happy and safe, but that doesn't last and my life is the same. i still don't want to be here, i don't know what to do with myself. i wish i was dead.

 

[Onthewayout1]

i finished my exams on friday, i've finished school, and now i guess i have time before i go to university. it felt like i'm no longer in the middle of something- a part of my life has ended, so good timing to end my whole life i guess. i went to therapy, and on the way back i got off at a stop, walked to where i know the train tracks are. i climbed on the wall, and kind of just stood there, on pole that i've have to pull myself up from to get onto the tracks.

but i didn't, i just stood there, for 20 minutes, like an idiot, waiting for any people to pass by. i ended up crying and being too scared, and i got back down from the pole and the wall. i called my best friend, and told her to come where i was because she lives near. i told her what happened because she knows i'm suicidal and she is too, and she genuinely made me feel more safe.

but now i wish i did do it, i didn't even attempt to ctb, but it's the closest i've gotten. i want to try again, actually this time, im just so scared. my friend made me feel happy and safe, but that doesn't last and my life is the same. i still don't want to be here, i don't know what to do with myself. i wish i was dead.

Hiya, I know the feeling. It seems like you have hesitation though. Take one day at a time. University can be a really exciting time and could be something to look forward to. Take a deep breath

 

[FuneralCry]

The train method sounds terrifying to me and I think that those who attempt this method certainly are so courageous. But anyway I wish you the best, it's really understandable just wishing to be gone and I hate how it's so difficult to finally die in this world.

 

[UnwindingStar]

I'm sorry you feel this way and that you're too scared. But I'm very glad that there was a friend to comfort you.

 

[Rack.-]

I'm so sorry you are feeling too overwhelmed with this thoughts... It's so good to have a friend with you who can comfort you in times of need so you don't have to go through this alone. But look at the good part! You finished exams so now you can relieve from all that stress, relax and focus on the things you like to do... Wishing you the best

 

[Elysion]

If your friend is also planning to commit suicide, doing it together will increase courage and sense of comfort.Tranquilizers also help in the success of suicide.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

Hiya, I know the feeling. It seems like you have hesitation though. Take one day at a time. University can be a really exciting time and could be something to look forward to. Take a deep breath

maybe, but i'm more so hesitating because of fear of pain, and i haven't said bye to anyone properly yet, not because of dying itself. thank you though, i am trying to look forward to things:)

If your friend is also planning to commit suicide, doing it together will increase courage and sense of comfort.Tranquilizers also help in the success of suicide.

maybe it would bring some comfort, but i cannot in good conscience, encourage her to ctb, since she doesn't have a plan- she's been suicidal longer than me, and i'm hoping she will stay passively suicidal, and not actually attempt

I'm so sorry you are feeling too overwhelmed with this thoughts... It's so good to have a friend with you who can comfort you in times of need so you don't have to go through this alone. But look at the good part! You finished exams so now you can relieve from all that stress, relax and focus on the things you like to do... Wishing you the best

thank you sadly a lot of things i enjoy take too much energy, as i have barely any, so it feels a bit pointless to try. but, i'm still trying and i guess i'm still alive, so yay?? lmao

The train method sounds terrifying to me and I think that those who attempt this method certainly are so courageous. But anyway I wish you the best, it's really understandable just wishing to be gone and I hate how it's so difficult to finally die in this world.

the train method sounds alright-ish to me, because if you do succeed, it's more likely to be instant than bleeding to death or my liver failing from overdose, or suffocating, which are realistically the options i have. and thank you, wishing u the best too

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The train method is such a horrible way to ctb and it needs so much courage to go with this method. It's fine to hesitate and I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to freely about what happened, that's great! Most of us are scared of CTB although we may wish it so much to be over, it's pretty normal. I hope you can find peace and the strength you need to overcome SI should this still be your wish. I wish you all the best!