I actually want to kms rn

[actual_fox]

Like I am not fucking feeling smart about It or anything. I just have this fucking itch I cannot scratch idk what It is and It drives me fucking mad. I cannot stop thinking about suicide.

Anywhere I go It follows me, I don't know what to do because I tried so many different thing that did not work and there is this one thing I got to/want to try but I feel I cannot do It which makes me want It even more.

 

[eldiablo666]

Same here … but I can't .. I still have good moments nfront of me. I know I can fk some ppl up still

God I hate people. More than I need air.

Please Lord, let me stop hate prople this much that I become this paralysed in life

 

[actual_fox]

Same here … but I can't .. I still have good moments nfront of me. I know I can fk some ppl up still

God I hate people. More than I need air.

Please Lord, let me stop hate prople this much that I become this paralysed in life

You are a poet and you don't even fucking know about It. You made me go from sympathy to hope to suspense to chuckle and later you rhymed by making me go back to feeling the sympathy/melancholy again.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm always thinking about wanting to leave this world, it's what makes sense for me as it would prevent so much future suffering, only it's not straightforward to actually leave which is what keeps me here. If only dying is as simple as just wishing to be gone. That would certainly be ideal.
I wish you the best.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm always thinking about wanting to leave this world, it's what makes sense for me as it would prevent so much future suffering, only it's not straightforward to actually leave which is what keeps me here. If only dying is as simple as just wishing to be gone. That would certainly be ideal.
I wish you the best.

Can we talk?

 

[actual_fox]

I'm always thinking about wanting to leave this world, it's what makes sense for me as it would prevent so much future suffering, only it's not straightforward to actually leave which is what keeps me here. If only dying is as simple as just wishing to be gone. That would certainly be ideal.
I wish you the best.

Wishing for It to happen is actually making things worse for me, Like I try to not think about it. It got a bit better, I am just all over the place.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

I'm always thinking about wanting to leave this world, it's what makes sense for me as it would prevent so much future suffering, only it's not straightforward to actually leave which is what keeps me here. If only dying is as simple as just wishing to be gone. That would certainly be ideal.
I wish you the best.

"Wishing to be gone" - has anyone heard of psychogenic death?

It's not suicide — just to be clear.

I am so sorry for OP and all here suffering and I have same sense of urgency and 2 stupid failed OD attempts before finding SS.

Please forgive me for jumping in a complete unknown to you all as I'm new here and not introduced myself yet.

But as per my username — quote via years of research by Survival Expert Dr John Leach in UK.

Used to be called 'voodoo death' but now renamed as psychogenic death - it's not suicide. But people have willed themselves to cease existing — due to not just despair but demoralization — ie — zero hope for the future.

This causes People to reach a state of complete and fatal depletion of dopamine - which controls hope , motivation , locomotion of body , pain relief , calm — ie— "the will to live".

Due to my catastrophic condition I have tried really hard to grasp this concept and felt almost reached the later stages. I felt so close to just truly letting all hope go.

And I'm trying to taper off an horrific anxiety med which has been slowly and painfully physically paralyzingly and so toxic it's killing me and depleting everything especially dopamine for over 3 years now. And I just cannot make my own dopamine or replace faster than it's lost — not on my current med and my GP won't RX the only similar - but uniquely different mechanisms— med that could actually help.

So I am beyond desperate to free myself from this hellish iatrogenic prison.

But my dear spouse is an eternal optimist and despite knowing my chances of a full physical and psychological recovery are very poor — doesn't want me to go yet. And spouse understands Dr Leach as it goes back many decades to POWs etc - when it was called "giving up the will to live".

Sincere Apologies again to OP for jumping in and rambling too long— Just wanted to share. Also very sorry if this concept is old news on SS.

May we all find the peace we long for

 

[actual_fox]

Sincere Apologies again to OP for jumping in and rambling too long— Just wanted to share. Also very sorry if this concept is old news on SS.

Nah man It is ok. I never heard about dopamine being able to go so low It actually can kill you. I think this is why people that are depressed cannot move out of bed. It is new for me at least to know It can get so bad. Today I had that kind of a thing. I watched today a yt series about how thoughts create your reality and all that bs... I heard compelling cases, and my ass immediately jumped into: How can I ctb using my own mind. I was thinking about placing a curse on myself to bring death to myself. I used to say to universe that It can kill me. I started to feel exicted feeling pains in my chest thinking It might be this sudden adult death syndrome.

I am emotionally unstable and I was like this for a looong time. I believe I can killmyself but I do not believe I can recover. This is my problem, world is cruel, why would I want to function in it anyway. I am also lonely man. Fuck

 

[FuneralCry]

Can we talk?

Yes that is fine, you can talk to me whenever, I'm on this website quite often.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Wishing for It to happen is actually making things worse for me, Like I try to not think about it. It got a bit better, I am just all over the place.

I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen your reply before posting mine. I will be more careful in future to OP reactions to replies.
Praying to Universe to send you love and peace

Nah man It is ok. I never heard about dopamine being able to go so low It actually can kill you. I think this is why people that are depressed cannot move out of bed. It is new for me at least to know It can get so bad. Today I had that kind of a thing. I watched today a yt series about how thoughts create your reality and all that bs... I heard compelling cases, and my ass immediately jumped into: How can I ctb using my own mind. I was thinking about placing a curse on myself to bring death to myself. I used to say to universe that It can kill me. I started to feel exicted feeling pains in my chest thinking It might be this sudden adult death syndrome.

I am emotionally unstable and I was like this for a looong time. I believe I can killmyself but I do not believe I can recover. This is my problem, world is cruel, why would I want to function in it anyway. I am also lonely man. Fuck

I'm so truly sorry to hear some of your history/ current situation. I will try to read your posts to understand better.

But- what I do understand and deeply empathize is what you've just posted because it's so similar to how I found Dr Leach / psychogenic concept in medical articles.

Emotionally unstable since childhood And I have actually been cursed by this now estranged family member —in writing.

And lonely AF too — despite spouse— because physically disabled and trapped in my broken body —and toxic med ball and chain. I'm not living just barely surviving and it's not enough for me.

I hate to admit I envy even my spouse who has full functionality and nutrition because it naturally increases dopamine.

As you noted — for many of us — this would lead to maybe partial or full recovery — including movement/ mobility / motivation and then happiness.

I pray this might sound like something that might still help you? If that's something you might still want?

For example In my case — still might help to mitigate damage and maybe increase use of body/ legs properly — if only can find doctor willing to change my med. But all have refused and now run out of doctors to beg.

This world is cruel but I still want to try to help others reduce their suffering if/while I still can. You're in my prayers

 

[actual_fox]

This world is cruel but I still want to try to help others reduce their suffering if/while I still can. You're in my prayers

Thanks won't, I would give you my prayers but Idk If they would help.
I wish you recover as much as you can.

Doctor Leach sounds weird you know.. like leach XD

I do not know If I need people to understand my situation. The problem is that I myself do not know what I stand on. My death wish is also motivated by this because I am just confused on what is going on in my head I rather not have to deal with It. I just don't want to deal with all of this.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Yes that is fine, you can talk to me whenever, I'm on this website quite often.

I cant send to pm

 

[FuneralCry]

I cant send to pm

I changed the settings on my account, maybe the option will be there.
Sorry for derailing thread, OP.

 

[actual_fox]

I changed the settings on my account, maybe the option will be there.
Sorry for derailing thread, OP.

no worries XD

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Thanks won't, I would give you my prayers but Idk If they would help.
I wish you recover as much as you can.

Doctor Leach sounds weird you know.. like leach XD

I do not know If I need people to understand my situation. The problem is that I myself do not know what I stand on. My death wish is also motivated by this because I am just confused on what is going on in my head I rather not have to deal with It. I just don't want to deal with all of this.

Dear Fox- Thanks for your very kind words and please don't worry about any prayers for me.

Please take care of you. I hope you find Whatever you feel will bring you peace.

No one understands unless they live in our bodies and minds.
And like you— I am also confused by my own perceptions of myself and just cannot accept that I am now forever physically trapped in my damaged body.

In a perfect world— Dopamine balance can only help so much for my physical condition— but I will never be the same/ recover my full body function due to irreversible damage.

Doctors neglected/ dismissed / gaslit / caused further physical and chemical harm.

I cannot exist like this— and — like you
—I don't want to deal with it.
You are not alone my friend. It's

 

[actual_fox]

Dear Fox- Thanks for your very kind words and please don't worry about any prayers for me.

Please take care of you. I hope you find Whatever you feel will bring you peace.

No one understands unless they live in our bodies and minds.
And like you— I am also confused by my own perceptions of myself and just cannot accept that I am now forever physically trapped in my damaged body.

In a perfect world— Dopamine balance can only help so much for my physical condition— but I will never be the same/ recover my full body function due to irreversible damage.

Doctors neglected/ dismissed / gaslit / caused further physical and chemical harm.

I cannot exist like this— and — like you
—I don't want to deal with it.
You are not alone my friend. It's

Those words are cheap, even if I really wish you well.
Well I do find peace in just taking my mind of and drawing or doomscrolling, it works somehow. I am much better now then I was few hours ago. Weather changes really fast on this island. From storm to sunshine.

Also you are not forever trapped, can you move on your own? Use your hands and such?

Yeah, we have to deal with this for now. But It is not forever, It seems so from time to time tho. I will slowly go to sleep as it is the hour for me to do so.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

So sorry it's late and not sure I am making sense now due to my toxic med adverse effects to my body and mind.

I hope you're ok.

Please just know you're not alone and we all will find peace either in this world or the afterlife— whatever that is.

 

[ever so lonely]

here if you want to talk mate hope your ok actual_fox

 

[Yakamoz]

we all do

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Those words are cheap, even if I really wish you well.
Well I do find peace in just taking my mind of and drawing or doomscrolling, it works somehow. I am much better now then I was few hours ago. Weather changes really fast on this island. From storm to sunshine.

Also you are not forever trapped, can you move on your own? Use your hands and such?

Yeah, we have to deal with this for now. But It is not forever, It seems so from time to time tho. I will slowly go to sleep as it is the hour for me to do so.

Sincere Apologies if any my words upset you — would never intend to / very sorry if misunderstood your situation

No I cannot move on my own— a walking frame between bed, kitchen and loo — limping 10 feet max each hour. No shower for 1 year now. Housebound 4 years as I hate to go in wheelchair outside when I cannot walk unaided or wear shoes due to irreversible damage to limbs and spine. One Diagnosis is CRPS. Unable to rollover in bed 4 years— toxic misprescribed meds destroyed my body and soul.

I am sincerely happy that you can find peace and are doing better now and can draw etc and sleep. Good signs of hope.

Take good care and very sorry again for any misunderstanding on my part.

 

[actual_fox]

Sincere Apologies if any my words upset you — would never intend to / very sorry if misunderstood your situation

No I cannot move on my own— a walking frame between bed, kitchen and loo — limping 10 feet max each hour. No shower for 1 year now. Housebound 4 years as I hate to go in wheelchair outside when I cannot walk unaided or wear shoes due to irreversible damage to limbs and spine. One Diagnosis is CRPS. Unable to rollover in bed 4 years— toxic misprescribed meds destroyed my body and soul.

I am sincerely happy that you can find peace and are doing better now and can draw etc and sleep. Good signs of hope.

Take good care and very sorry again for any misunderstanding on my part.

I meant my words being cheap, I just don't like wishing for things. I rather take action or stay in my bed.

Oh shit man, this sucks I am sorry. I do not want to make you feel guilty

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

I meant my words being cheap, I just don't like wishing for things. I rather take action or stay in my bed.

Oh shit man, this sucks I am sorry. I do not want to make you feel guilty

No worries and it's all good.

Your words are not cheap— but I now understand — it's my toxic med. Sorry.

I am 56 years old so have lived functional until 6 years ago.
Please have a good night

 

[actual_fox]

No worries and it's all good.

Your words are not cheap— but I now understand — it's my toxic med. Sorry.

I am 56 years old so have lived functional until 6 years ago.
Please have a good night

What did happen to you?

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

 

[actual_fox]

I am sorry, people usually not use emojis. Are you genuine or just like... joking?

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

What did happen to you?

I am sorry, people usually not use emojis. Are you genuine or just like... joking?

Really sorry tried to acknowledge your earlier Q
But Worsening Unbearable physical agony CRPS/Etc
No/ Nothing helps
No way to ctb
Trapped tortured
Universe why so cruel

 

[Someone123]

Like I am not fucking feeling smart about It or anything. I just have this fucking itch I cannot scratch idk what It is and It drives me fucking mad. I cannot stop thinking about suicide.

Anywhere I go It follows me, I don't know what to do because I tried so many different thing that did not work and there is this one thing I got to/want to try but I feel I cannot do It which makes me want It even more.

This is how so masny people here feel, but in order to really leave it usually requires careful planning- some impulsive attempts work and they mislead people. IN the U.S. only 1 in 23 attempts work, mainly due to people using very low percentage methods like pills, cutting, and partial hanging- these are the most easily accessible methods but the least effective. To really achieve peace through ctb usually requires research, careful planning, and a willingness at some point to try the plan- all things that are made a lot harder by depression- that's why some people are on this site for months or years. I hope you can find peace somehow.

 

[actual_fox]

This is how so masny people here feel, but in order to really leave it usually requires careful planning- some impulsive attempts work and they mislead people. IN the U.S. only 1 in 23 attempts work, mainly due to people using very low percentage methods like pills, cutting, and partial hanging- these are the most easily accessible methods but the least effective. To really achieve peace through ctb usually requires research, careful planning, and a willingness at some point to try the plan- all things that are made a lot harder by depression- that's why some people are on this site for months or years. I hope you can find peace somehow.

Yeah... I know. It is just hard to plan when you go from suicidal to not suicidal and back. Hard to plan anything.

 

[Someone123]

Yeah... I know. It is just hard to plan when you go from suicidal to not suicidal and back. Hard to plan anything.

I(f you go back to not suicidal then part of it is usually making sure that you have explored options for recovery enouh so you know which way is best- are there fam,ily members of friends who care? Are you fairly young, especially under thirty? Becuse at a younger age there are more possibilities for recovery. It could help to share what your reasons for wanting to leave are to see if others have ideas for recovery.

 

[actual_fox]

I(f you go back to not suicidal then part of it is usually making sure that you have explored options for recovery enouh so you know which way is best- are there fam,ily members of friends who care? Are you fairly young, especially under thirty? Becuse at a younger age there are more possibilities for recovery. It could help to share what your reasons for wanting to leave are to see if others have ideas for recovery.

I tried many different things, trust me. I have been through therapists and many different meds. And I am still trying. I haven't neglected my responsibilities. It would be really hard for you or others to understand unless you were in similar situation. My mind is just built differently.

I made this thread as a vent because I can go really low in terms of mood and then I feel very suicidal. Only thing I can do then is to sleep or close my eyes and lay in bed If I am lucky to be home.]


Ps. Could we stop bumping this thread ?