Venting I acknowledge I'm a selfish person and need to go.

[Allonzee]

My workplace is harassing me because the medication I need is making me smell despite daily hygiene and someone keeps running to HR to make me sign that I'm a smelly piece of shit. I am terrified of job hunting and have an impressive case of imposter syndrome.

My wife stopped pretending to care about me before we got pregnant, no physical touch other than to try to get pregnant, and I went along as the path of least resistance as we became economically codependent. She asked my opinion about getting pregnant once, and when I began to talk about my fears of bringing a child into this world insulted my opinion before I could even finish it and walked away, never asking again. But now she's losing her mind that I'm not present and excited about bringing another doomed soul into this cesspool of a world. It's a boy not born to wealth, so they'll be another capitalist slave that can be exploited or perish. Yay.

I feel I'll bring nothing but negativity to my Son's life. My father abused me physically and verbally, was very good at fucking with my head ("I begged your crazy mother to abort you every day/there's something wrong about you/maybe I should send you to your crazy mother to cut you into little pieces" type stuff all the time as I was largely silent and resigned)
and I would never do that to my son, but I'm a vortex of negativity who wouldn't be able to speak with hope.

I'm too much of a coward to stand up for myself, too much of a coward to run away, too fucking exhausted to fix my shit, and I, recognize I'm selfish for that.

I'm no good to anyone, I've had the means for years, but despite having nothing to look forward to, I can't pull the damned trigger. I hate myself for that too. Fucking coward, fucking child that I am. It feels like my method mocks me from my closet. I know the taste of the barrel well. It tastes like defeat. No hopes or maybes come anymore trying to dissuade me out of survival instinct, I just can't will my finger to push hard enough.

At this point I'm just shuffling through life waiting to get kicked yet again, no hope of escape until my heart gives out. I have a major family history of heart failures, I go to the gym and drink 2 energy drinks like it's my job for the last few years, because I feel it's my only slight hope of dying. I'm the guy at the gym killing himself, soaked in sweat every weekday like I jumped into a pool, all because I hope I can hasten the natural process.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

i'm sorry you're going through all of this. life is a living hell. you are not your father, and you will never be like him. you're not selfish for being depressed. at some point, it's something out of our control.

i'm curious as to what medicine you are taking, if you don't mind me asking? i'm very interested in the world of psychiatric medicines. is it causing you excessive sweating? you don't have to answer to this of course.

 

[Allonzee]

i'm sorry you're going through all of this. life is a living hell. you are not your father, and you will never be like him. you're not selfish for being depressed. at some point, it's something out of our control.

i'm curious as to what medicine you are taking, if you don't mind me asking? i'm very interested in the world of psychiatric medicines. is it causing you excessive sweating? you don't have to answer to this of course.

Adderall has kept me a functioning capital battery for 20 years my friend, and I thank you for the kindness. I tried all the SSRIs of the time, but they gave me migraines and sensory issues. The tower of lies I built to appease the world is built of adderall.

And sincerely, THANK YOU for saying I'm not him. He needed me to change his wound dressings as he got too sick to stand, eventually losing both legs to diabetes/CHF but I would have been better off on the street in hindsight. He used me. I've come to feel that ending my life would be a gift to my son, let the curse of my family neurosis die with me, but I argue with myself that I'm just being selfish. I just want peace, everyone in my life wants me to serve their wants and needs, to be someone else, and like a good little silent, obedient caregiver I was raised to be keeps forcing compliance.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

I tried all the SSRIs of the time

i also had an adverse reaction to SSRI's! i'm glad Adderall has worked well for you so far. apparently it's not just a you issue, others have had the same issue of a bad smell while on that medicine when i looked it up.

And sincerely, THANK YOU for saying I'm not him.

of course :). people have this notion that they'll become like their abusers, but it just simply isn't true. the fact you can recognize his abuse and strive to not become him is already enough to show you recognize the problem, and therefore won't repeat it.

I just want peace, everyone in my life wants me to serve their wants and needs, to be someone else, and like a good little silent, obedient caregiver I was raised to me keeps forcing compliance.

i can relate. it's so hard to stand up for yourself in the world where suicide is seen as a morally bad thing in every situation. whatever you choose to do is your decision, and nobody should stop you from doing what you truly want. you've seen enough of life to decide what you want and don't want.