Raskolnikov's Axe
Member
- Aug 31, 2022
- 80
The numb feeling of greyish pain is almost always present, however tonight it actually hurts. My chest is burning and I am straining to cry, unfortunately I cannot.
This is plain cruel. My Mind has a habit of replaying every painful memory over and over again when I'm in pain. It's like it's shaming me. I honestly don't know are people who proclaim to be close to me stupid or liars. Does nobody see that the only thing I can do to help myself is to stop living.
Every one of these memories is one of failure, rejection. I wonder, if someone knew how I feel most of the time would they still consider suicide wrong. I just failed. Im a failed experiment and it's cruel to keep me alive. Arguably the worst of the features inbuilt in my body is the fact that I refuse to die. I don't fear death but screwing it up and losing bodily autonomy.
I realize that none of what I'm writing makes sense but I'm just doing it to try and stop the pain. I tried to indulge myself with my usual time wasters. Nothing helps tonight. I am aware of myself in all my failure.
This is plain cruel. My Mind has a habit of replaying every painful memory over and over again when I'm in pain. It's like it's shaming me. I honestly don't know are people who proclaim to be close to me stupid or liars. Does nobody see that the only thing I can do to help myself is to stop living.
Every one of these memories is one of failure, rejection. I wonder, if someone knew how I feel most of the time would they still consider suicide wrong. I just failed. Im a failed experiment and it's cruel to keep me alive. Arguably the worst of the features inbuilt in my body is the fact that I refuse to die. I don't fear death but screwing it up and losing bodily autonomy.
I realize that none of what I'm writing makes sense but I'm just doing it to try and stop the pain. I tried to indulge myself with my usual time wasters. Nothing helps tonight. I am aware of myself in all my failure.