Hey. I just wanted to share something I wrote today in a way of expressing what a feel.
These tears drop from eyes sore from long nights in hopelessness and affliction — Oh! It is such young world drowned in the purest of evil. How come minds stay sane in such place, wherein is a plethora of pains and despairs? How come one live through an impairing anxiety with no route of recovery in sight? Because, after words are told and meanings are blank, I feel as if I lived in an empty planet. And, after actions are taken out of the last bits of energy in the body and the changes to the suffering of the self are none, I am left suffering more. And, so, at the end of the day, I got watery eyes only. For how long, though, can cries run down a face vanishing, ghostly, pale and lifeless?
Am I also part in the evil of the world? Is me existing enough to augment the sickness that rots away this planet by the second? Since I am one more being to dispute for natural resources, I harshen the competition for living. So, yes, I am part in the evil of the world. Although that is fact, I think not much about it, so I am not hurt over it constantly. What hurts me more are things that affect me directly, daily, mercilessly. My thoughts are. They are the torment unhinged, as they grab a hold of the twisted world outside and mold it, and reshape it, and add pinches of anxiety and fear to it. They seem to be unstoppable in delivering my body and soul of mounts of symptoms. Such are a fast beating heart; tremors in my hands and legs, and restless nights of sleep. My mind is the largest cog that spins the evil within this world of my own. And, after my suicide, this evil within will leak to the outside, transforming tormenting thoughts of mine into cries, regrets and suffering of others, few others that might have a thought of me — Oh! Such young! And dead already. Then, I will take more part in the evil of the world.
It could have ended in a different manner if here reigned peace, compassion and a strong urge to help each other. The world could have ended in a different manner, and myself as well. Children would play outside with each other up until as late in the night as they wanted, fearing not for their safety. Food, water and shelter would be for every single person on the planet. We would fear not sleeping under the starry sky, in a beautiful garden outside, with neighbors sharing stories, tales and laughter. We would live as a community, striving solely for the well-being of one another. Competitiveness would be a word strange to the ears, banished into oblivion by ages on-end of cooperativeness. It could have ended as such. And the state of the world as it is in reality is utterly depressing to me. I can not handle it. I might be weak. I can not change how I feel. I have tried.
Much of the evil of this world is illusion. In reality the world is doing just fine, it's just the human beings that are in trouble. The human race could consume itself in competition and apocalypse in the vain pursuit of consuming the natural world in its entirety, and thereby become extinct. Collective suicide. But from the perspective of the living planet Earth, already 4,500,000,000 years old, the 2,000,000-year episode in her story encompassing all human history will just seem like a bad week. Mother Earth has had far worse than humans before now and carried on just fine. If all the humans were to disappear right now the natural world would entirely recover from their self-serving activities in only fifty years at most. No, the world is not going to end any time soon, just the human race is, possibly.
Now you can be sad about that, but you know there's no point. All anyone can do is determine how much of the evil of the world is real, and how much is illusion, and what individual part they personally play in maintaining the evil of the world, or the illusion of such. You may be encouraged to learn that it is of the nature of evil to try to inflate itself in the minds of thoughtful people, out of all proportion to its actual extent in reality. (Goodness is infinitely more modest and subtle in her insinuations.) Evil tries to convince people that it is a lot bigger and more terrible and inevitable than it actually is, and in doing so, recruit more impressionable sensitive souls into serving it. It is precisely those people who are the most sensitive and gifted in the power of human thoughtfulness that it targets, as it is precisely those people from whom it stands to draw the most strength should they capitulate to it. But it's an illusion. Hundreds of people are being murdered every day by a handful who would like everyone to think that their murdering makes them the only people in the world who matter, and that their murderous nature is the nature of all human beings, and that it is by ruthless murderous competition that humans dominate the world, and This Is The Way. And indeed that is terrible, it is pure evil. But hundreds of millions of other people are obviously not murdering anyone, and neither is it in their nature to do so, and whilst those teeming masses might appear entirely anonymous and insignificant as a flock of sheep herded by wolves, they are in reality individually no less important as human beings, than the leading capitalist bloodsuckers or reptilian warmongers who would like to claim them all as their minions are. And obviously human beings have only survived at all and have come to dominate the land by historically co-operating with each other, like human beings, instead of competing with each other violently like the poor dumb animals that perish. Every time humans have experimented with ruthless competition they have failed dismally. Look at any history book. Look at what's going on in Palestine now. It's like watching someone throw a bucket of water over a chip pan fire isn't it. Hopeless. That's the reality.
It would be a significant setback - most of all for yourself - if someone of your delicate sensitivity and obvious thoughtfulness ended themselves on the basis of an illusion.
A lion walks up to a watering hole, sees an elephant. 'Hullo there Jumbo,' he says to the elephant.
'Why hello there Rex, I'm glad you're here, I have some news to tell you,' says the elephant.
'What kind of news?' asks the lion.
'Well Rex, I've got the good news and the bad news. Which would you like to hear first?'
The lion growls thoughtfully. 'Well you know me Jumbo, I always like to hear bad news at once.'
'Right you are then Rex,' says the elephant. 'Well the bad news... is...
the humans have landed on Mars.'
The lion shakes his head. 'Oh dear. That is very bad news. A bitter blow.'
'Yes, it is very discouraging isn't it,' the elephant offers.
'Thank you for bringing this to my attention, my old friend.'
The lion pauses. 'So. What's the good news, then—'
The elephant cuts in immediately: 'All of them.'
