huge tw for sh… kinda? graphic?

[nonameno5]

fuck fuck fuck this is the first time the cut has been this deep. usually its barely surface level cat scratches but now i can literally see the DEPTH of the cut, i can see the fucking chunk of skin ive never done it this deep and i KNOW its not even that deep. but its new for me. this time the bleeding isnt stopping. ive been wanting to go deeper for so so long but i didnt even think it was possible with pencil sharpeners but i did it! what a strange strange feeling. im both scared because i know this is going to be the new normal and ill probably only keep on going deeper.. and kind of exhilarated because ive been wanting to go this deep for so long

i hope it doesnt scar
it probably wont
except i kind of hope it does
right now ive been letting one of my thighs heal fully, as a reminder that im not going deep enough to scar, and its made me feel so invalid and ashamed. i know one day theyll be completely healed and this part of me might as well never happened. i just dont know how to feel.

if anyone is reading this and wants to share how the first time going deeper felt for them, go ahead. as always you can comment about anything and ill read & respond. doesnt need to be relevant to this post

 

[shroomia]

The first times going deeper for me we're always scary. I was surprised by the depth by the blood by the width. To me in the moment it always felt a little panicky. But it soon faded and the depth became the new norm and I even got exited to see how deep the cuts have gotten. It feels like it always needed to be more be worse be deeper and that ultimately resulted in my worst cut so far. This time deep into my fat layer. This time I was oddly calm tho. It was as if I accepted the fact that I get a cut like this a while ago. It bled a lot and the healing process was not nice and it's the itchiest of all my scars.

 

[beandigger404]

fuck fuck fuck this is the first time the cut has been this deep. usually its barely surface level cat scratches but now i can literally see the DEPTH of the cut, i can see the fucking chunk of skin ive never done it this deep and i KNOW its not even that deep. but its new for me. this time the bleeding isnt stopping. ive been wanting to go deeper for so so long but i didnt even think it was possible with pencil sharpeners but i did it! what a strange strange feeling. im both scared because i know this is going to be the new normal and ill probably only keep on going deeper.. and kind of exhilarated because ive been wanting to go this deep for so long

Please make sure to clean it out with warm water + antiseptic and cover it up to avoid infections! If the cut is gaping, you can get some butterfly bandages to keep the cut closed and heal it quicker

As someone who also struggles with self-harm, I definitely understand where you are coming from. But I really really REALLY advise against going deeper. You might feel satisfied or even proud at first, but that will quickly go away. I've been in your shoes before, and I can say without a doubt that you will never feel valid no matter how deep you cut. It only gets more dangerous each relapse.

I know it's much easier said than done, but please stop here while you can, or at least engage in harm reduction and avoid escalating. It gets infinitely harder to stay clean the deeper you go. It's a horrible, dark, slippery slope to continue down. I regret it more than anything.

TW for TMI and sh (slight vent too)

Spoiler: tw

Every time I relapse, I can't shower properly for a month (sometimes longer) because I have fat hanging out of my thighs and didn't get stitches. I have to spend money on expensive supplies like sterile gauze, medical tape, wound cleaning solution, etc. I have to clean and bandage the cuts every single day when healing them to avoid infections that might occur either way. The risk of infection goes up like crazy and you really start risking your life with each cut. Sepsis can kill in as quickly as 12 hours, and it's a painful, agonizing death. So is bleeding out. I was in the ER for my most recent relapse because I went into compensated hypervolemic shock (chronic blood loss from reopening cuts and going deeper). I had 8 3-4 inch long fat cuts and I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to take it until I crashed with a dangerously high heart rate (180+ bpm lying down). I was dizzy and light-headed for 2 days after cutting before that crash. It was so humiliating and shameful having to go to the ER and get IV fluids in order to stabilize.

Despite everything I've been through, I don't feel valid in the slightest way. I'm left with thick ugly scars that are a permanent reminder that I should have gone deeper and honestly i wish i just finished the job and died. And the catch with deeper cuts (depending on the person) is that the scars will retract and shrink to like 1/3rd of their OG size, so I feel even less valid because they don't look as bad as they used to. I feel like the biggest faker and attention seeker because I genuinely feel like my cuts are so shallow and small. All there is inside of me is the all-consuming CONSTANT urge clawing at my soul to relapse and go deeper. Self-harm withdraws are literal hell on earth. I can't sleep, and when I do, I even dream about cutting when the urges are bad. It floods my everyday thoughts and has completely taken over my life. I thought I'd be satisfied with fat cuts, but now the urges are telling me to cut to muscle to feel valid.

There is no end. There is no satisfaction going deeper. There is absolutely nothing down this route. It's just infinite hell that gets worse the deeper you let it drag you in.

Please, if you can, try to look into harm reduction and find better coping mechanisms instead of giving in. I hope you find your peace and recover some day

 

[nonameno5]

The first times going deeper for me we're always scary. I was surprised by the depth by the blood by the width. To me in the moment it always felt a little panicky. But it soon faded and the depth became the new norm and I even got exited to see how deep the cuts have gotten. It feels like it always needed to be more be worse be deeper and that ultimately resulted in my worst cut so far. This time deep into my fat layer. This time I was oddly calm tho. It was as if I accepted the fact that I get a cut like this a while ago. It bled a lot and the healing process was not nice and it's the itchiest of all my scars.

yeah that about describes how im feeling right now. its definitely very strange considering ive only been TRACKING my sh for almost 2 months and ive never gone this deep. again its shallow but its like some sort of new milestone for me. i hope both of us can eventually recover from sh and stay sober long enough where any depth of cutting sounds too scary to give into.

Please make sure to clean it out with warm water + antiseptic and cover it up to avoid infections! If the cut is gaping, you can get some butterfly bandages to keep the cut closed and heal it quicker

As someone who also struggles with self-harm, I definitely understand where you are coming from. But I really really REALLY advise against going deeper. You might feel satisfied or even proud at first, but that will quickly go away. I've been in your shoes before, and I can say without a doubt that you will never feel valid no matter how deep you cut. It only gets more dangerous each relapse.

I know it's much easier said than done, but please stop here while you can, or at least engage in harm reduction and avoid escalating. It gets infinitely harder to stay clean the deeper you go. It's a horrible, dark, slippery slope to continue down. I regret it more than anything.

TW for TMI and sh (slight vent too)

Spoiler: tw

Every time I relapse, I can't shower properly for a month (sometimes longer) because I have fat hanging out of my thighs and didn't get stitches. I have to spend money on expensive supplies like sterile gauze, medical tape, wound cleaning solution, etc. I have to clean and bandage the cuts every single day when healing them to avoid infections that might occur either way. The risk of infection goes up like crazy and you really start risking your life with each cut. Sepsis can kill in as quickly as 12 hours, and it's a painful, agonizing death. So is bleeding out. I was in the ER for my most recent relapse because I went into compensated hypervolemic shock (chronic blood loss from reopening cuts and going deeper). I had 8 3-4 inch long fat cuts and I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to take it until I crashed with a dangerously high heart rate (180+ bpm lying down). I was dizzy and light-headed for 2 days after cutting before that crash. It was so humiliating and shameful having to go to the ER and get IV fluids in order to stabilize.

Despite everything I've been through, I don't feel valid in the slightest way. I'm left with thick ugly scars that are a permanent reminder that I should have gone deeper and honestly i wish i just finished the job and died. And the catch with deeper cuts (depending on the person) is that the scars will retract and shrink to like 1/3rd of their OG size, so I feel even less valid because they don't look as bad as they used to. I feel like the biggest faker and attention seeker because I genuinely feel like my cuts are so shallow and small. All there is inside of me is the all-consuming CONSTANT urge clawing at my soul to relapse and go deeper. Self-harm withdraws are literal hell on earth. I can't sleep, and when I do, I even dream about cutting when the urges are bad. It floods my everyday thoughts and has completely taken over my life. I thought I'd be satisfied with fat cuts, but now the urges are telling me to cut to muscle to feel valid.

There is no end. There is no satisfaction going deeper. There is absolutely nothing down this route. It's just infinite hell that gets worse the deeper you let it drag you in.

Please, if you can, try to look into harm reduction and find better coping mechanisms instead of giving in. I hope you find your peace and recover some day
View attachment 169964

thank you so much for this response!!! i did my form of "cleaning" it which is just a shower, and for the first time when i got out of the shower the bleeding hadn't stopped, so i actually needed to put a bandaid on it for once which is annoying. plus around the area is already full of cat scratches so i checked on it and the bandaid reopened some of those and its not really sticking to my skin i also am not at all used to needing to actually rlly tend to it with more than holding a tissue on it for a while.. so i didnt even have a bandaid on it for a good hour or so and it definitely got some fuzzies in it and blood spots on my pants. oops. im learning i guess.

i honestly doubt ill go deeper. i really dont want any lasting scarring and i definitely dont want to need to go to the hospital. thank you so much for sharing your experience anytime i even think about going deeper than this i'll definitely keep you in mind. i doubt id ever have the courage to go to the fat layer but if i ever do ill think about you. im so so sorry that you've gone through this. truly words can even express how sad i feel for you. i know you probably dont want my pity, i know how much i hate when people feel bad for me. but nonetheless your experience is beyond valid. the fat layer is not at all "shallow" or invalid and i hope you can see that. i really hope you can get better and one day i hope that the healing of these scars and injuries will make you feel proud of your sobriety rather than ashamed.

thank you for sharing your experience and giving me advice. i really do appreciate it and will absolutely remember everything youve said.

stay safe

additional vent-

Spoiler

i am trying to stay sober but its so hard not to think about it. for the past few months ive gone nearly every day relapsing, more than half the days ive relapsed more than once. thats why it feels so strange to just now be going deeper after being so so used to what i was doing before. i dont even know why i do this anymore. most of the time im not even upset. i just feel like i need to. and if i dont all im thinking about is how badly i want and feel the need to relapse. and while i do it its almost like im in a different state of mind where im not even processing what im doing, and if i do i don't process it as something i should try and stop myself from doing. i run out of distractions too quickly and i feel like im going insane and sh is the only distraction keeping me calm.

 

[nonameno5]

update its been 7 hours and its still bleeding