Rock0Dial
Member
- Oct 7, 2022
- 9
To be honest I feel out of sorts posting at all because I've spent so many years as a voyeur to all the happenings of SS. I tend to read in waves, having months of feverishly scrolling through threads until 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and other periods where I forget SS exists at all. In a way it's a reflection of the innate narcism in myself which is probably present in most users. I come to the site feel better, to serve my needs when I need them to be tended to. The irony comes in that the thing that makes me feel better stems from others suffering. It's not a direct correlation, but at the bare bones of it, that's what it is. Other people share their experiences, I come to read them when I feel down and as a result I don't feel as alone in the world. There's a better way to articulate this point but the best way I could sum it up is there's comfort in commiseration and finding out that people share the same kinds of thoughts and experiences.
About Me
Here's a heavy dose of that narcism. I'm a fairly average guy, I work as a videographer but I shoot pretty boring videos. Financially I've always struggled. Even though I have a decent paying job by the national measure, where I live is expensive, I pretty much can pay my bills and have a couple of dollars to my name to hold me over to the next check. I desperately want to save up and move somewhere more affordable but it seems like every time I make some progress I have to fix my car or another bill pops up.
I had a problem with alcohol since about 15 year old until a few months ago, I'm 35 now so about 20 years. I drank like most here do, as a way to self medicate. I never believed in seeking out professional help and the few times I have seen a doctor I've always been pretty good at hiding what's really going on. In one way or another I've destroyed almost every relationship and burned every bridge with employers, although I always manage to find something just when I can't rub two pennies together. Part of that I can blame the alcohol and part of that is just having bouts of being a complete egotistical deranged asshole. I've long suspected that I'm manic depressive because I certainly have manic periods where I act out of character and have grandiose ideas that aren't realistic. If others don't follow suite, they just "don't understand my vision", yada yada. Basically I can be a piece of shit asshole sometimes.
I've been off the booze since July 2022, I had to because I tried to quit cold turkey and had 2 grandmal seizures. I was trying to drink myself to death and ironically came close to dyeing from trying to stop drinking. If I had kept drinking I wouldn't have had the seizure although at the rate I was drinking, cirrhosis was a knocking at the door along with the inevitable fatal car accident. I'm happy it didn't come down to that because while I hate myself, I would never want to do anything that could potentially harm others. Anyhow, no booze or drugs for almost a year, no AA or groups, I just kind of go to work, go on walks and keep to myself. I'm more depressed than ever.
Why CTB?
I just feel like this same cycle of work, paying bills and no progress in life is meaningless. I'm doing enough to exist but I'm existing for no reason. I fantasize about leaving a mark on society with something positive like starting a charity or perhaps a contribution to the arts, but again finances kind of hinder the whole charity thing and artistically I've come to the realization that I'm not that good. I've accepted the fact that I will most likely be stuck in mediocracy and now I'm dragging my feet in the mud just watching myself get older. I'm not married, I have no kids and I don't contribute much to society. There is no reason for me.
Anyhow, That's my little introduction. Please excuse and inevitable spelling or grammatical errors. I guess the reason I wanted to introduce myself is because I've been anonymously reading for so long that it felt like an unspoken tax to pay in hopes that maybe someone is going though something similar.
About Me
Here's a heavy dose of that narcism. I'm a fairly average guy, I work as a videographer but I shoot pretty boring videos. Financially I've always struggled. Even though I have a decent paying job by the national measure, where I live is expensive, I pretty much can pay my bills and have a couple of dollars to my name to hold me over to the next check. I desperately want to save up and move somewhere more affordable but it seems like every time I make some progress I have to fix my car or another bill pops up.
I had a problem with alcohol since about 15 year old until a few months ago, I'm 35 now so about 20 years. I drank like most here do, as a way to self medicate. I never believed in seeking out professional help and the few times I have seen a doctor I've always been pretty good at hiding what's really going on. In one way or another I've destroyed almost every relationship and burned every bridge with employers, although I always manage to find something just when I can't rub two pennies together. Part of that I can blame the alcohol and part of that is just having bouts of being a complete egotistical deranged asshole. I've long suspected that I'm manic depressive because I certainly have manic periods where I act out of character and have grandiose ideas that aren't realistic. If others don't follow suite, they just "don't understand my vision", yada yada. Basically I can be a piece of shit asshole sometimes.
I've been off the booze since July 2022, I had to because I tried to quit cold turkey and had 2 grandmal seizures. I was trying to drink myself to death and ironically came close to dyeing from trying to stop drinking. If I had kept drinking I wouldn't have had the seizure although at the rate I was drinking, cirrhosis was a knocking at the door along with the inevitable fatal car accident. I'm happy it didn't come down to that because while I hate myself, I would never want to do anything that could potentially harm others. Anyhow, no booze or drugs for almost a year, no AA or groups, I just kind of go to work, go on walks and keep to myself. I'm more depressed than ever.
Why CTB?
I just feel like this same cycle of work, paying bills and no progress in life is meaningless. I'm doing enough to exist but I'm existing for no reason. I fantasize about leaving a mark on society with something positive like starting a charity or perhaps a contribution to the arts, but again finances kind of hinder the whole charity thing and artistically I've come to the realization that I'm not that good. I've accepted the fact that I will most likely be stuck in mediocracy and now I'm dragging my feet in the mud just watching myself get older. I'm not married, I have no kids and I don't contribute much to society. There is no reason for me.
Anyhow, That's my little introduction. Please excuse and inevitable spelling or grammatical errors. I guess the reason I wanted to introduce myself is because I've been anonymously reading for so long that it felt like an unspoken tax to pay in hopes that maybe someone is going though something similar.
