It wasn't until after I experienced a lot of deep healing from trauma and came into myself as person in my late 30s and early 40s that I knew I would make a good mother. It wasn't about being the opposite of my mother, she'd stopped defining me in that way, and I had enough of my issues cleared up. She was definitely a caveat, though, and that guided me in how I knew I didn't want to be, but it's more that my natural self that was there even during the abuse really got the space to be in charge of my actions rather than in rejection of hers.
In those later years, I found in my interactions with children, where I was with them for long, extended periods of time and had an influence, that I'd gotten really good about being patient, about not making things about me, about being supportive and accepting. I learned how to get through challenges without resorting to control or being punitive. I had the groundedness to let things go that weren't a big deal. I was able to be present with them, and a calming and safe influence when they had meltdowns. I listened to them and strove to communicate in ways they could understand, and let it go when they weren't yet ready to understand and/or weren't interested yet. I was firm yet loving and worked on being flexible when it was better to make room for that.
If my life weren't fucked up beyond my control, which is external and not internal, I would love to be a mother and support another person in becoming the best that they can. It is so fulfilling! (And sometimes fucking boring.) But prior to my early 40s, I did not yet have enough self-control or awareness, and I would have fucked up a kid, though less and less as I got older and matured. Over my life, I have enjoyed and sometimes even loved kids, but I didn't have emotional control, got drained easily, wasn't aware enough of my triggers, and though I would have been way better than my own mother, I would not have been nearly as good, effective, or supportive as I would have wanted to be, and that would have just piled on more problems and stress and regrets and things to try to repair.
Now, though, I personally wouldn't want to bring a child in the world. I'm really very grateful and satisfied that I had the experiences I did that proved to me I'd be a good mother, a fine mother, and I had a positive -- not perfect, but genuinely positive -- impact on the lives of the kids I did have those close, 24/7 relationships with for a time.
P.S. I highly recommend the book Parenting with Love and Logic. It seems to align with your parenting goals. I don't like a lot of the Christian stuff in it, and some of the methods and rationalizations, but there's some solid stuff in there, similar to the book Boundaries.
