I am not sure. I think most likely I would fade it out partially. And despise myself for it even more. But I am already despising myself a lot. So I don't know how this actually could reach a new level.
I never did something extremely horrible to anyone. Maybe as a part of the global north I contribute to the exploitation of the global south. My online shopping behavior certainly does not help. But I am not that affluent. I contribute to solving this problem by not pro-creating. Maybe that's a lame excuse.
2024 in October I almost killed myself, had a stay in acute suicidality clinic where I thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. It turned out to be a paranoid thought. But I was convinced I did that for 24 hours. The pressure on my shoulders was indescribable. I took a lot of benzos that day but they did not work at all. Later, I double and tripled checked it. I talked with someone very explicitly about suicide in that clinic which was prohibited. The next day we learned the message someone killed herself. I was scared I triggered her. I wasn't sure whether she was in the room when I talked about my suicidality. As I said I found it she was already dead when that conversation took place. Our conversation was at 4 p.m. She left the clinic way earlier and was already dead. I considered to believe in God on this day where the guilt tormented me. And I wanted to work towards salvation from then on. But this wasn't good for my sanity. I think believing in God in general is similar to psychotic thinking for me. Maybe I cannot judge the impact on me. Because I never was in such a position.
I think in many scenarios I would fade it out. I am scared of driving a car. I am already overwhelmed by my daily live. Driving a car makes me panic. Whether I confuse the brake with the gas. If I do that the result could be a long prison sentence. Someone might even consider me a danger to society who is never allowed to leave a facilitity. With people who had psychosis that can easily happen. To be honest but if I accidentally killed someone in a car accident. The person I would mourn for might would even be me. And probably the family who has to deal with the loss. This sounds extremely selfish. Because it is. But my life was bullshit from early on. I never had a chance. I try to be a good person. My parents pressured me to get a driving licence. But I never finished it because I am not made for driving. I was so overburdened by it. I would drive because others pressured me. And this would result in a catastrophe. Would I be responsible for the whole thing then? I think I would fade out the guilt and rationalize it. The person who is dead is dead. I would think the same thing about me. If I just died pretty quickly why should I care. If I am dead, it doesn't matter anymore. For me it would induce way more guilt if someone became a cripple dependent on livelong day and night car for the rest of their lives. But in this scenario the families could live better with it. And maybe the person involved in the car would say "At least I have survived". Some people would not even hate me for the rest of their lives if it was an accident. I cannot project my own logic to someone else though. Doing that would be dangerous. For the record I would never hurt someone. I think I am very peaceful. But I am scared that a real accident could happen. Maybe that's OCD.
I think I done something really bad to another child in kindergarten when I was like 5 or 6 years old. And I wonder which impact this had on the other child. I am not even sure whether it was really that bad. I also wondered whether I ever done something so bad that I deserved all the things I am going through. I asked myelf I might have been Hitler or Stalin in a prior life. And now I am going through all of the pain as a punishment. I could imagine someone with my personality traits under different circumstances could have become a horrible human being. Some would argue being online on Sanctioned Suicide all the time already qualifies for that.
One reason is why I would fade it out. I think I would pity myself over the consequences for my own life. But it would also be a survival strategy. If something extremely bad happpened I think it could not overwrite my old traumatas. The old traumatas are too strongly wired in my brain. I think psychosis would help. I would split it out of my consciousness. I imagine all the time extremely horrible things as part of my paranoia. If something actually extremely bad happened, I would say to myself maybe its paranoia. Maybe my mind only tricks me into thinking it. Maybe all of that is a simulation. Maybe the other people don't exist and the simulation has the only purpose to torture me. This certainly would not be healthy or good for my mental health.
This is all hypothetical. I would probably also die a thousand deaths in the process of accepting the guilt. The transition would be extreme agonizing. But finally I think I would move on as a defence reaction. The traumatas I got as a child will probably always have the strongest impact on me. Maybe if I got tortured in an extreme way or took extremely mind changing drugs this could change. But probably not for the better. It could also reinforce old traumatas and make them worse.
What do you think?
I am not sure whether I would actually kill myself over it. When I was close to suicide in October 2024 something told me maybe you deserve it. But actually my family would have to carry on the pain, I wouldn't be the one. I don't really believe you can get rid of your guilt by killing yourself. It rather seems to be an escape of the guilt. But this highly depends on the circumstances and the individual. And I have not thought a lot about it. It probably depends on a lot of factors and on one's own biography.
I never did something extremely horrible to anyone. Maybe as a part of the global north I contribute to the exploitation of the global south. My online shopping behavior certainly does not help. But I am not that affluent. I contribute to solving this problem by not pro-creating. Maybe that's a lame excuse.
2024 in October I almost killed myself, had a stay in acute suicidality clinic where I thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. It turned out to be a paranoid thought. But I was convinced I did that for 24 hours. The pressure on my shoulders was indescribable. I took a lot of benzos that day but they did not work at all. Later, I double and tripled checked it. I talked with someone very explicitly about suicide in that clinic which was prohibited. The next day we learned the message someone killed herself. I was scared I triggered her. I wasn't sure whether she was in the room when I talked about my suicidality. As I said I found it she was already dead when that conversation took place. Our conversation was at 4 p.m. She left the clinic way earlier and was already dead. I considered to believe in God on this day where the guilt tormented me. And I wanted to work towards salvation from then on. But this wasn't good for my sanity. I think believing in God in general is similar to psychotic thinking for me. Maybe I cannot judge the impact on me. Because I never was in such a position.
I think in many scenarios I would fade it out. I am scared of driving a car. I am already overwhelmed by my daily live. Driving a car makes me panic. Whether I confuse the brake with the gas. If I do that the result could be a long prison sentence. Someone might even consider me a danger to society who is never allowed to leave a facilitity. With people who had psychosis that can easily happen. To be honest but if I accidentally killed someone in a car accident. The person I would mourn for might would even be me. And probably the family who has to deal with the loss. This sounds extremely selfish. Because it is. But my life was bullshit from early on. I never had a chance. I try to be a good person. My parents pressured me to get a driving licence. But I never finished it because I am not made for driving. I was so overburdened by it. I would drive because others pressured me. And this would result in a catastrophe. Would I be responsible for the whole thing then? I think I would fade out the guilt and rationalize it. The person who is dead is dead. I would think the same thing about me. If I just died pretty quickly why should I care. If I am dead, it doesn't matter anymore. For me it would induce way more guilt if someone became a cripple dependent on livelong day and night car for the rest of their lives. But in this scenario the families could live better with it. And maybe the person involved in the car would say "At least I have survived". Some people would not even hate me for the rest of their lives if it was an accident. I cannot project my own logic to someone else though. Doing that would be dangerous. For the record I would never hurt someone. I think I am very peaceful. But I am scared that a real accident could happen. Maybe that's OCD.
I think I done something really bad to another child in kindergarten when I was like 5 or 6 years old. And I wonder which impact this had on the other child. I am not even sure whether it was really that bad. I also wondered whether I ever done something so bad that I deserved all the things I am going through. I asked myelf I might have been Hitler or Stalin in a prior life. And now I am going through all of the pain as a punishment. I could imagine someone with my personality traits under different circumstances could have become a horrible human being. Some would argue being online on Sanctioned Suicide all the time already qualifies for that.
One reason is why I would fade it out. I think I would pity myself over the consequences for my own life. But it would also be a survival strategy. If something extremely bad happpened I think it could not overwrite my old traumatas. The old traumatas are too strongly wired in my brain. I think psychosis would help. I would split it out of my consciousness. I imagine all the time extremely horrible things as part of my paranoia. If something actually extremely bad happened, I would say to myself maybe its paranoia. Maybe my mind only tricks me into thinking it. Maybe all of that is a simulation. Maybe the other people don't exist and the simulation has the only purpose to torture me. This certainly would not be healthy or good for my mental health.
This is all hypothetical. I would probably also die a thousand deaths in the process of accepting the guilt. The transition would be extreme agonizing. But finally I think I would move on as a defence reaction. The traumatas I got as a child will probably always have the strongest impact on me. Maybe if I got tortured in an extreme way or took extremely mind changing drugs this could change. But probably not for the better. It could also reinforce old traumatas and make them worse.
What do you think?
I am not sure whether I would actually kill myself over it. When I was close to suicide in October 2024 something told me maybe you deserve it. But actually my family would have to carry on the pain, I wouldn't be the one. I don't really believe you can get rid of your guilt by killing yourself. It rather seems to be an escape of the guilt. But this highly depends on the circumstances and the individual. And I have not thought a lot about it. It probably depends on a lot of factors and on one's own biography.
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