I think there would be huge differences. I think I am a quite deep person but nobody assumes that when they talk with me. I think in college many people perceive me as a careerist. Maybe a cold and calculating one. I don't know. Many months ago I met a dude in my college with whom I was somewhat close. He wanted to talk with me after such a long time not seeing each other. It was kind of small talk and I hate that. I just could not handle the conversation and ended the talk abruptly. I am so obsessed by studying and extremely anxious. I always feel like I am badly prepared and I have extreme anxiety about the exam. I have issues to think of something else when they come closer. I am hyperfocused. From the outside many might perceive me as the ultimate striver others allluded to that. However I am also often socially very awkward and I was never mocked for that. I am not sure whether the people are genuinely good people or if they just don't give a fuck about me. I assume the latter one. I think in some courses it was obvious that I struggle mentally. And everyone respected me. The time in school was very different for me.
I think I lack a social life at college I have two friends. One of them leaves the college soon (the one who I could trust the most). I feel way more secure when I am around them. And due to the fact I am such a striver I can provide people with summaries etc. I think so many meetings in college are so fucking superficial. This is why I prefer to have some good friends at college instead of 5 loose friends. The other friend of mine is extremely intelligent but a little bit lazy. I think he finds my neurotic quirks kind of funny. And I like that. He was not always super empathetic on mental illness but he improved in this instance.
Interestingly my appearance in different courses was pretty heterogeneous. I was very very awkward in a course where my engagement in the course influenced my grades. And I think those courses will increase in the future a lot. In the past I was not that social awkward and anxious. The social anxiety got way worse in the last years. I think when people compare me manic and depressed-neurotic there would be worlds away. I have a theory why this awkwardness got so much worse. (but also improved a little bit). My self-awareness increased and this awareness is like a clusterfuck sometimes. In school I was not aware about my manic symptoms and I enjoyed them and purposefully increased them. Though nowadays I am scared of mania. And witty comments in courses can fuel my manic symptoms. So I am monitoring and analyzing my brain every single second. And sometimes I seem to be as puzzled as senile Joe Biden. I think there are probably more factors and I hope I make progress in the future. I feel ashamed for being so weird. Though in the end noone really cares about me. I could kill myself and most people would forget me after 2 minutes.
I think something many people here in this forum might perceive as offensive is the following. I avoid friendships with people who take drugs. In the past I was even more strict on that. I stopped the contact to someone who started smoke weed when we were very young teenagers. My parents were always very anti-drugs and I fully adapted to that. Kind of the only thing they did right when raising me. I am and always was scared the peer pressure when hanging around with them could get me into drug abuse. And it is evident that my brain would be on a fire if I ever took psychoactive drugs. Maybe it was a wise decision. Though I am kind of a complete hypocrite on that and I am aware of that. I love the literature of David Foster Wallace and I love the music of Lil Peep. And both of them were heavy into drugs and their art was inspired by that. I think there might be a difference for me because of the following. I hate that some drugs are affecting people passively when you are near to someone. Like when someone smokes cigarets. it is very ironic that I am such a Lil Peep fan when like literally 75% of his songs promote and celebrate drug consumption. I take benzos and z-medication due to my illness it is the only thing that keeps me stable. But I am very scared about addiction also because of the stigmatization. I had some change of thoughts on drugs and people who abuse them. I met in the psychiatry many staff members who were extremely judgemental on drugs addicts. And they blamed them for everything up to 100% if they smoked weed one time in their life. I think such a mindset is pretty stupid. I think it is fact that drug addiction correlates to sexual child abuse. And your stance on drugs is heavily influenced by the way you were raised. If my parents smoked weed I probably had a complete different relation to them. As you see this becomes pretty off-topic because I feel the need to defend myself for being distanced to people who are very much into drugs.
I think I would not talk to a lot of people here in this forum if we met on the street. Maybe if we met in workplace. Though the only reason why I can be this open is the fact that I am anonymous and Iknow the people here are less judgemental on suicidal people. I think many people have very stupid stereotypes on suicidal people. I even avoided to talk about it with my friends a college. It is very difficult to predict how people react to the "suicidal bomb". Moreover I obviously don't tell strangers that I am mentally ill. I try to hide it as good as possible. I think mental illness is a little bit less stigmatized than suicidality. Though there are also huge differences between telling someone you have a burn-out, depression, bipolar or a psychosis. When people learned I had a psychosis in the past some people treated m like shit. Someone associated having a psychosis with being a pedophile or that I was unable to have any clear thoughts in my life.
So there are probably some good reasons why I hide my secrets in front of others. I think people (and strangers) can be extremely cruel. I think the gazes people with disfigurements, a different gender than their biological sex, severe obesity or homeless people must endure are probably extremely tormening.
I think I will end it here. Thanks for reading. In real life I would have never gottne the chance to waste your time in such a way. There is one Kafka quote that I love when we consider meeting of strangers. It took me a long time to find it but I think it was worth the search. A good way to end this thread.
"When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours? And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful?" I think in German it sounds better though.
I think I lack a social life at college I have two friends. One of them leaves the college soon (the one who I could trust the most). I feel way more secure when I am around them. And due to the fact I am such a striver I can provide people with summaries etc. I think so many meetings in college are so fucking superficial. This is why I prefer to have some good friends at college instead of 5 loose friends. The other friend of mine is extremely intelligent but a little bit lazy. I think he finds my neurotic quirks kind of funny. And I like that. He was not always super empathetic on mental illness but he improved in this instance.
Interestingly my appearance in different courses was pretty heterogeneous. I was very very awkward in a course where my engagement in the course influenced my grades. And I think those courses will increase in the future a lot. In the past I was not that social awkward and anxious. The social anxiety got way worse in the last years. I think when people compare me manic and depressed-neurotic there would be worlds away. I have a theory why this awkwardness got so much worse. (but also improved a little bit). My self-awareness increased and this awareness is like a clusterfuck sometimes. In school I was not aware about my manic symptoms and I enjoyed them and purposefully increased them. Though nowadays I am scared of mania. And witty comments in courses can fuel my manic symptoms. So I am monitoring and analyzing my brain every single second. And sometimes I seem to be as puzzled as senile Joe Biden. I think there are probably more factors and I hope I make progress in the future. I feel ashamed for being so weird. Though in the end noone really cares about me. I could kill myself and most people would forget me after 2 minutes.
I think something many people here in this forum might perceive as offensive is the following. I avoid friendships with people who take drugs. In the past I was even more strict on that. I stopped the contact to someone who started smoke weed when we were very young teenagers. My parents were always very anti-drugs and I fully adapted to that. Kind of the only thing they did right when raising me. I am and always was scared the peer pressure when hanging around with them could get me into drug abuse. And it is evident that my brain would be on a fire if I ever took psychoactive drugs. Maybe it was a wise decision. Though I am kind of a complete hypocrite on that and I am aware of that. I love the literature of David Foster Wallace and I love the music of Lil Peep. And both of them were heavy into drugs and their art was inspired by that. I think there might be a difference for me because of the following. I hate that some drugs are affecting people passively when you are near to someone. Like when someone smokes cigarets. it is very ironic that I am such a Lil Peep fan when like literally 75% of his songs promote and celebrate drug consumption. I take benzos and z-medication due to my illness it is the only thing that keeps me stable. But I am very scared about addiction also because of the stigmatization. I had some change of thoughts on drugs and people who abuse them. I met in the psychiatry many staff members who were extremely judgemental on drugs addicts. And they blamed them for everything up to 100% if they smoked weed one time in their life. I think such a mindset is pretty stupid. I think it is fact that drug addiction correlates to sexual child abuse. And your stance on drugs is heavily influenced by the way you were raised. If my parents smoked weed I probably had a complete different relation to them. As you see this becomes pretty off-topic because I feel the need to defend myself for being distanced to people who are very much into drugs.
I think I would not talk to a lot of people here in this forum if we met on the street. Maybe if we met in workplace. Though the only reason why I can be this open is the fact that I am anonymous and Iknow the people here are less judgemental on suicidal people. I think many people have very stupid stereotypes on suicidal people. I even avoided to talk about it with my friends a college. It is very difficult to predict how people react to the "suicidal bomb". Moreover I obviously don't tell strangers that I am mentally ill. I try to hide it as good as possible. I think mental illness is a little bit less stigmatized than suicidality. Though there are also huge differences between telling someone you have a burn-out, depression, bipolar or a psychosis. When people learned I had a psychosis in the past some people treated m like shit. Someone associated having a psychosis with being a pedophile or that I was unable to have any clear thoughts in my life.
So there are probably some good reasons why I hide my secrets in front of others. I think people (and strangers) can be extremely cruel. I think the gazes people with disfigurements, a different gender than their biological sex, severe obesity or homeless people must endure are probably extremely tormening.
I think I will end it here. Thanks for reading. In real life I would have never gottne the chance to waste your time in such a way. There is one Kafka quote that I love when we consider meeting of strangers. It took me a long time to find it but I think it was worth the search. A good way to end this thread.
"When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours? And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful?" I think in German it sounds better though.
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