Help How to stop living for male validation?

[rozeske]

Wanting the opposite sex validation and attention is normal and only natural both in animals and humans. When and if it gets to be excess is a potential problem and that is when you have to work towards what matters the most. It could also be a result of something deeper. Rather than trying to fight off the thing you do to fill a metaphoric void that never gets full, which never ends well btw, i think it would be beneficial to not be hard on yourself, to take it one step at a time and to work towards healing that deeper issue. Good luck and have fun at uni <3

 

[ylenol]

= nt rlly arm-chr psychlgy t/ recgnise tht rlatnshps wth male fgures thru devlpmentl yrs wll influnce slf-imge & romantc/sexul rlatnshps l8tr on

Tht hs bn establishd fr mny yrs nw s/ recmmndng findng a psychlgst t/ hlp undrstnd & procss thse perceptns alng wth findng wys t/ nurtre helthier mle rlatnshps = sound advce tbf

Unreadable.

This makes me feel sad but i also appreciate it! Thank you, its good seeing different perspectives. So are you saying i should just be myself and forget this obsession i have?

Lovely, I'm saying were you focused on something valuable and understanding how ridicule you are to seek validation from the most uninteresting demographic you could have chosen, you might "forget this obsession" as you phrase it, more easily, as I assume it's not as easy as "just be yourself girl!!" ; "try changing clothing styles!!"; "look within yourself..." you read on here. Easiest way for you to get over it is realise how small they are either by interacting with them or interacting with the opposite side who doesn't obey to these norms you want to appeal to. I know the easiest way for me would be to feel disgust with myself when erasing what makes me me to please strangers and act accordingly. If you can't be indifferent to what they want from you, then make a conscious effort to go against their desires, just train yourself.

That's not tough love. That's you being rude to the OP and making them feeling bad about a problem that is actually very common. This type of shit isn't helpful, all it does is make others feel even worse about themselves.

I'm sure this problem is common. In the sasu echo-chamber.

Its helpfulness isn't universal. Just because you find it to be helpful, doesn't mean it will work on everyone.

fr man! I'm sure eatantz reading the supportive comments is what will make a change within her and she def won't be stuck on this mindset after being fed how normal and hard to overcome this situation is! Can't wait for her post in a few months saying how she triumphed over all this with the positive input she received, as it's such a common occurence on this forum ! Thank you for your input on the relativity of helpful advices.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm sure this problem is common. In the sasu echo-chamber.

Even outside of sasu this is a common problem. Finding excuses to rationalize your rude behaviour towards others, on the other, doesn't seem to be a very common problem here so I'm quite surprised by your behaviour.

 

[astr4]

bro is weird and antagonistic and worst of all french yikes

 

[ylenol]

Even outside of sasu this is a common problem. Finding excuses to rationalize your rude behaviour towards others, on the other, doesn't seem to be a very common problem here so I'm quite surprised by your behaviour.

Are you so focused on my behaviour because it's a more straight-forward, easier issue to tackle, considering your previous poor advice on a more nuanced situation ? "start learning to not give a shit about what others think of you and do what you want to do"
Where did you read that? Off of Tiktok ? Also worried about what kind of women are in your social circles irl for you to say it's not so uncommon, no EvisceratedJester, pleasing men being your "ultimate goal in life" is not within the norm.
Focus your efforts on the subject at hand rather than what's happening on the side if you're so worried about her wellbeing. Eetantz does not need to be infantilized and is not a little thing to preserve.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Are you so focused on my behaviour because it's a more straight-forward, easier issue to tackle, considering your previous poor advice on a more nuanced situation ? "start learning to not give a shit about what others think of you and do what you want to do"
Where did you read that? Off of Tiktok ? Also worried about what kind of women are in your social circles irl for you to say it's not so uncommon, no EvisceratedJester, pleasing men being your "ultimate goal in life" is not within the norm.
Focus your efforts on the subject at hand rather than what's happening on the side if you're so worried about her wellbeing. Eetantz does not need to be infantilized and is not a little thing to preserve.

But all you are doing is basically just insulting the OP. You aren't being helpful. It's one thing to be blunt, it's another to say shit like:

You should have felt more ashamed to post this.

Ashamed of what? They aren't doing anything bad enough to warrant being ashamed of themself. Seeking validation and attention from others is a normal thing and it is not like they going out of their way to harm others in order to accomplish this.

Remember, people not being disgusted and speaking so casually about this on this forum only happens because they themselves are accustomed to such deranged thoughts.

Here you just implied that she is disgusting, which isn't helpful at all and shit like this (what the OP is struggling with) has been talked about on this forum plenty of times before. Basically saying that her thoughts are deranged and implying that she is disgusting isn't "being straightforward", that's just insulting her.

I find your behavior repulsive (and trust me a lot can see through you), and even more so for wanting to please mediocrity.

Then, you proceed to talk to just further double down on shaming her.


I hate to break it to you, but she in no way did anything to deserve such a rude response. Responses like these aren't just unhelpful but can potentially end up being harmful. Hell, you are on a suicide forum. A lot of people on here have mental health issues and are struggling a lot, so shit like this can cause even more harm to users who might be in a vulnerable mental state.

It also seems like you don't have much knowledge on the general issues impacting a lot of people not just today, but also in the past. Modifying yourself to gain validation from others, whether that be from the opposite sex, those of the same sex, parents, certain groups of people, or even the general public, is a common thing seen among humans. We are social animals at the end of the day. @eatantz Trying to gain the approval of men to this much of a degree, while unhealthy, isn't that uncommon. Sometimes, whether it be as a result of trauma, mental illness, certain societal expectations, or a mixture of some or all of these potentials, people take certain types of behaviours too far and it can end up being detrimental to them. The fact that she recognizes this isn't good behaviour is a good thing and she doesn't need you shitting. She already knows that this is an issue, hence why she made this thread.

You also really need to learn what the term "infantilizing" means because offering actual advice and being nice to someone isn't "infantilization".

 

[Toxic Positivity]

= nt rlly arm-chr psychlgy t/ recgnise tht rlatnshps wth male fgures thru devlpmentl yrs wll influnce slf-imge & romantc/sexul rlatnshps l8tr on

Tht hs bn establishd fr mny yrs nw s/ recmmndng findng a psychlgst t/ hlp undrstnd & procss thse perceptns alng wth findng wys t/ nurtre helthier mle rlatnshps = sound advce tbf

'It's not really armchair psychology to recognize that relationships with male figures through developmental years will influence self-image and romantic/sexual relationships later on.

That has been established for many years now, so recommending finding a psychologist to help understand and process these perceptions along with finding ways to nurture healthier male relationships is sound advice, to be fair.'

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Speaking from experience as someone who was very insecure and craving validation* when I was young too, this mindset will make you very vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. Abusive men can smell insecurity on a woman, like how a shark can smell blood from hundreds of meters away. They know that they will be able to pressure you into doing whatever they want, especially sexual things that you may not be ready for or just not into. They know that they can get away with screaming at you, insulting you, shoving you around, hitting you, with no consequences because you're so dedicated to them and their approval that you'll put up with anything. Dating is a dangerous game to play when you are like this.

(*I guess I'm still like that to this day, but can at least recognize red flags in men now and know how to set proper boundaries etc. It's much harder when you're young and inexperienced.)

Suggestions:

- Go to therapy. College campuses typically offer free, confidential therapy sessions. The catch is that your therapist will be one that's still doing their training hours/not officially licensed yet, but it is something. You may also use your parent's insurance to go to a legit therapist, but they may receive explanation of benefits statements/summaries showing that you went to one, which may not be ideal if you don't want them to know. If you happen to be wealthy, you can just pay out of pocket for one as well.

- Stop looking at "alpha male" content and look at stuff like Female Dating Strategy instead. They have an excellent podcast and handbook available covering many topics that can help you value yourself and avoid mistreatment.

- Be careful becoming friends with men in a college setting. Many young men will try to befriend you solely because they think it will lead to dating/sex, and they may become enraged when you reject them or start dating someone else. Some older men go back to school specifically to prey on young girls as well, so watch out for those too.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Unreadable.

Lovely, I'm saying were you focused on something valuable and understanding how ridicule you are to seek validation from the most uninteresting demographic you could have chosen, you might "forget this obsession" as you phrase it, more easily, as I assume it's not as easy as "just be yourself girl!!" ; "try changing clothing styles!!"; "look within yourself..." you read on here. Easiest way for you to get over it is realise how small they are either by interacting with them or interacting with the opposite side who doesn't obey to these norms you want to appeal to. I know the easiest way for me would be to feel disgust with myself when erasing what makes me me to please strangers and act accordingly. If you can't be indifferent to what they want from you, then make a conscious effort to go against their desires, just train yourself.

I'm sure this problem is common. In the sasu echo-chamber.

fr man! I'm sure eatantz reading the supportive comments is what will make a change within her and she def won't be stuck on this mindset after being fed how normal and hard to overcome this situation is! Can't wait for her post in a few months saying how she triumphed over all this with the positive input she received, as it's such a common occurence on this forum ! Thank you for your input on the relativity of helpful advices.

You've been here since 2020, so I shouldn't have to explain to you why Dot writes the way they do. And there's many more respectful ways to go about it than what you did.
But let me translate it for you:

It's not really arm chair psychology to recognize that relationships with male figures through development years will influence self image and romantic/sexual relationships later on.

This has been established for many years now so recommending finding a psychologist to help understand and process these perceptions along with finding ways to nurture healthier male relationships is sound advice to be fair.