How to repress/eliminate irrational guilt

[Nofuture1234]

It makes absolutely no sense for me to still have this problem. I have the means to CTB anytime I want. I know for certain that I will never have what I need to be truly happy. There is zero logical doubt in my mind. My parents have 2 other kids and my only friend has several other friends. No one actually needs me. And even if they did I am so miserable anyone who truly cared about me would just want what's best for me: my suffering ending the only way it can. They're asking so much more of me than I am of them. I'm not the same person I used to be anyway, the me anyone really liked died a long time ago and isn't ever coming back.
But I still stupidly worry about what they might do after I go or that they might blame themselves. Even though that would be entirely on them, because I've explained my situation to them, and why it can't get better several times. They just don't want to accept it.

For any who truly feel nothing at the idea of your CTB effecting others negatively, how did you reach that point? Do you believe the "guilt" is real remorse or just a proxy for survival instinct like I'm beginning to suspect?

 

[Nofuture1234]

I'm an idiot for promising I would never CTB to someone who could never understand what I'm going through.

 

[Zany]

If you are as sure as you say you are about ctb, then your 'guilt' might just be a survival instinct as you suggest. I have contemplated if i should end it myself for most of my life and have overcome every emotional hurdle (though i suspect i may have been a stone cold bastard from the start), except that guilt. Even though I know they can live without me perfectly fine and I cannot live with myself, the guilt persists. I do feel it less and less the more I isolate myself socially, so perhaps that's something you could try. Though I'm unsure of how you could achieve that in your situation, since those close to you seem to know you're going through something (which is not the case for me), so getting to a state of true isolation might be difficult. Another thing you could try is being selfish. As bad as it sounds, ask yourself who is the most important person in your life, for me that would be myself, and who is affected most by your death, for me that would be myself again. So even if others may suffer emotionally, for some, the positive of ending themselves outweigh the negative effect their end has on others.
Now funnily enough, i too promised someone I wouldn't ctb, what makes it worse is that they themselves tried and failed, which is why they made me promise not too. It is important to remember though, that everyone's reason to ctb is personal to them, so even is someone else has done if before and ended up deciding they'd rather stay alive, that doesn't mean the same goes for you. Though of course I'd still advise you to only go through with it if you're absolutely sure.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't have any guilt for almost everyone I know but that's not why I keep putting off my CTB. Rather it was by embracing how truly terrible I am by hating myself that I was able to free myself from my guilt. I can't really recommend this method at all though. My process went something like this: first I realized that I am evil. Then I questioned to myself: would an evil person care if their loved ones felt bad about their suicide? The answer for me is no and even if they did, it's my duty to do my best to show them why they'd be wrong to feel any remorse over my death. Assuming I actually do get to CTB as planned, my plan will include several highly detailed documents, a lengthy suicide note, recordings, and even shittily drawn comics that are all meant to conclusively prove once and for all the reason my CTB shouldn't make anyone feel bad and in fact they should be glad that somebody like me is dead.

Again, I can't recommend it if it won't work for you though. Still, doing whatever it takes to convince them properly with only facts and logic is probably your best course to go if that's truly your main concern.

 

[Doemu]

I'm an idiot for promising I would never CTB to someone who could never understand what I'm going through.

You gived your loyalty to another person. If that person still deserves your loyalty is something that only you can answer.

 

[Nofuture1234]

If you are as sure as you say you are about ctb, then your 'guilt' might just be a survival instinct as you suggest. I have contemplated if i should end it myself for most of my life and have overcome every emotional hurdle (though i suspect i may have been a stone cold bastard from the start), except that guilt. Even though I know they can live without me perfectly fine and I cannot live with myself, the guilt persists. I do feel it less and less the more I isolate myself socially, so perhaps that's something you could try. Though I'm unsure of how you could achieve that in your situation, since those close to you seem to know you're going through something (which is not the case for me), so getting to a state of true isolation might be difficult. Another thing you could try is being selfish. As bad as it sounds, ask yourself who is the most important person in your life, for me that would be myself, and who is affected most by your death, for me that would be myself again. So even if others may suffer emotionally, for some, the positive of ending themselves outweigh the negative effect their end has on others.
Now funnily enough, i too promised someone I wouldn't ctb, what makes it worse is that they themselves tried and failed, which is why they made me promise not too. It is important to remember though, that everyone's reason to ctb is personal to them, so even is someone else has done if before and ended up deciding they'd rather stay alive, that doesn't mean the same goes for you. Though of course I'd still advise you to only go through with it if you're absolutely sure.

Selfishness is pretty much my instinct and I have to work to not give into it with most things. It's so natural to me I'm starting to think it is just hesitation due to false hope or survival instinct. It's weird how hard it is to extinguish the feeling of hope when you know logically it doesn't make sense

I don't have any guilt for almost everyone I know but that's not why I keep putting off my CTB. Rather it was by embracing how truly terrible I am by hating myself that I was able to free myself from my guilt. I can't really recommend this method at all though. My process went something like this: first I realized that I am evil. Then I questioned to myself: would an evil person care if their loved ones felt bad about their suicide? The answer for me is no and even if they did, it's my duty to do my best to show them why they'd be wrong to feel any remorse over my death. Assuming I actually do get to CTB as planned, my plan will include several highly detailed documents, a lengthy suicide note, recordings, and even shittily drawn comics that are all meant to conclusively prove once and for all the reason my CTB shouldn't make anyone feel bad and in fact they should be glad that somebody like me is dead.

Again, I can't recommend it if it won't work for you though. Still, doing whatever it takes to convince them properly with only facts and logic is probably your best course to go if that's truly your main concern.

I feel like the people around me are going to just see me how they see me, and there's not much I can do to change that after my history. I don't think I'll even leave a note, there's too much risk in them reading into it wrong no matter what I write. At this point I'm not worried about them being angry or seeing it as selfish, I'm just scared they will blame themselves or convince themselves it's their fault. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a child though so it won't be a surprise to anyone. I think they think I'll always just whine about it and never actually do it.
I don't think there's anything I can say or do that will convince them I'm better off dead. My reasons for dying will always be seen as petty to them. I can live with that though--or not I guess haha

You gived your loyalty to another person. If that person still deserves your loyalty is something that only you can answer.

This person also has started to like me less and less but still seems to care quite a bit about me. This person also wants to die but they really do have more potential for a better life. I do feel loyalty but maybe they will hate me enough one day it won't matter and I can finally rest without it hurting them.

 

[Doemu]

If you never lie again, everyone is gonna hate you. Even the ones who ever say they only wants to hear the truth.

 

[Nofuture1234]

If you never lie again, everyone is gonna hate you. Even the ones who ever say they only wants to hear the truth.

True. Most people aren't trustworthy or loyal enough to be honest with anyway.