Discussion how to recover from an attempt?

[hyacinths]

almost four years ago i swallowed 100+ pills of my antidepressants. i was rushed to er and, well, im still here today. i still remember almost everything from that day - how i felt, swallowing the pills, everything. its really difficult for me to not reflect back on these moments especially when im in really shitty times. i just keep wondering why did i survive, why aren't i dead. the dr said that i was lucky to arrive when i did, or i could've died.

how do/did you cope after a failed attempt? were you ever able to fully recover and stop reflecting back onto it? or does it just stay with you forever :(

EDIT: for anyone curious, i was taking lexapro at the time. im not exactly sure how much i took but i was on 5mg pills at the time, and swallowed an entire bottle (which was 3 months worth at the time + what i had left from the prior subscription). i remember feeling really, really dizzy and sick and had a hard time standing up without shaking. i threw up a few times when my dad was taking me to the hospital. they made me drink activated charcoal at the hospital.

 

[ratpudding]

I always wonder why a doctor would tell a suicide attempt patient they're "lucky" or they would've died. Like that was the goal, so why is failing lucky?
I think about previous attempts alot. I wish my first attempt when I was 11 worked. It would have saved me alot of pain. Things for me are "better" than they were back then but after 14 years I still wish I knew what to do back then so I would've been successful.

 

[hyacinths]

I always wonder why a doctor would tell a suicide attempt patient they're "lucky" or they would've died. Like that was the goal, so why is failing lucky?
I think about previous attempts alot. I wish my first attempt when I was 11 worked. It would have saved me alot of pain. Things for me are "better" than they were back then but after 14 years I still wish I knew what to do back then so I would've been successful.

it feels a bit counter intuitive, especially because the patient is likely already feeling like shit for being failing lmao. really makes you wonder if they even understand mental health at all.

sometimes i find myself happy that i didn't succeed, but i can't tell if thats my actual feelings or just pure survival instinct. i know if i had just died back then i wouldn't have had to live to see myself become who i am now, someone who my past self would've hated. its really hard to try to recover, especially now that i know there's a "alternative ending" to my life that i just barely missed out on.

 

[ratpudding]

it feels a bit counter intuitive, especially because the patient is likely already feeling like shit for being failing lmao. really makes you wonder if they even understand mental health at all.

sometimes i find myself happy that i didn't succeed, but i can't tell if thats my actual feelings or just pure survival instinct. i know if i had just died back then i wouldn't have had to live to see myself become who i am now, someone who my past self would've hated. its really hard to try to recover, especially now that i know there's a "alternative ending" to my life that i just barely missed out on.

I'm happy I met my friends and my boyfriend, but I also now have people to feel guilty about leaving if I ever follow through which makes it a bit harder to feel like I can. Which I guess could be good or bad, depending on how I'm feeling that day.
Ultimately I wish I was successful back then so nobody would be missing me, but I am also overall doing better than I was back then, in some aspects at least.

 

[hyacinths]

I'm happy I met my friends and my boyfriend, but I also now have people to feel guilty about leaving if I ever follow through which makes it a bit harder to feel like I can. Which I guess could be good or bad, depending on how I'm feeling that day.
Ultimately I wish I was successful back then so nobody would be missing me, but I am also overall doing better than I was back then, in some aspects at least.

i understand that last point too well. if i had died earlier, i think the people around me could've coped and moved on a lot sooner, and there wouldn't have been any outside stress like a pandemic to add to their worries. i just wish these people would stop caring about me just enough to tell me not to kill myself and just let me go. id be so much happier, and they probably would be too.