Venting How to put feelings to words

[TheRottingContinues]

Quite the controversial opinion, I feel like s/s has a pretty shallow view on the world and suicide in general. It's not just that "life meaningless society sucks etc." I think that the hole of depression, suicidal thoughts, and other things goes deeper than some big dissatisfaction with the world around you.

But how else to explain it? When somebody asks me why I want to kill myself, I usually just give a blank stare in response. How do I put my feelings to words?

How do I describe the feelings I get when I'm at my lowest? The thoughts that go through my head at 2AM? When I lay down on the floor, ever muscle unmoving, and let my mind take over my consciousness? The closest adjective that I could find was "despondent," but it fails to capture the scope of the vast array of emotions within me. Maybe instead of starting with the feelings, it's better to start with the cause and explain from there. Why do I want to kill myself, anyways? Is it a problem with the world around me or just myself? Obviously if the world was totally perfect then I wouldn't want to kill myself… right? Am I just defective, bordering on the mentally ill?

So I can't directly describe the emotions, and analyzing the cause won't help me. How else can I put my feelings to words? I really could just sit with a paper and pen until I eke out something, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate either. When I'm wrapped up in how I feel, I cant't get anything done. What do I do? I've considered the possibility that it's simply impossible to describe why I want to kill myself and the emotions that I feel. But I don't want to keep staying silent when other people expect an answer out of me.

Please help. How would you describe why you want to kill yourself? What emotions do you feel? Please give me ideas. Thank you.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I need to kill myself because emptiness is in my soul and my heart is full of pain.
A part of me is missing and nothing in this world can put me back together again.
Everything through my eyes is pointless and meaningless in this never ending void inside of me.
The flowers in my garden grow down, their colour pain , their fragrance sorrow.
Into my eyes grow their roots, feeling for tears, to nourish the hopeless black rose within me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand the struggle to describe feelings in words, because after all they are feelings, it's just the way we see existence and words cannot even often describe a feeling.
But in my case I'm just tired of existing, and it fills me with dread the thought of this existing potentially continuing for decades, I just wish to permanently be at peace and escape from this existence.

In my case I'm not meant for existing, don't see it as desirable and prefer the sound of nothingness. Existence just feels like something so wrong that just causes harm and suffering, to me it makes sense wanting to be free.

 

[Some place nice]

I want to escape the torment that my family is still putting me through. The pain of knowing that my mother gave up hope in all of her children and the fact of me having such a toxic relationship with my dad. Knowing that I act just like him and look like his sisters disgust me. Watching my oldest sister ruin her 2 year old and not being able to do anything about it. Knowing that I am an outcast of this world, I've seen what my life would be like if I continued. I want to escape from the past, present, and future. I'm done getting attached to someone just from them to use me and leave.

 

[doneforlife]

Quite the controversial opinion, I feel like s/s has a pretty shallow view on the world and suicide in general. It's not just that "life meaningless society sucks etc." I think that the hole of depression, suicidal thoughts, and other things goes deeper than some big dissatisfaction with the world around you.

But how else to explain it? When somebody asks me why I want to kill myself, I usually just give a blank stare in response. How do I put my feelings to words?

How do I describe the feelings I get when I'm at my lowest? The thoughts that go through my head at 2AM? When I lay down on the floor, ever muscle unmoving, and let my mind take over my consciousness? The closest adjective that I could find was "despondent," but it fails to capture the scope of the vast array of emotions within me. Maybe instead of starting with the feelings, it's better to start with the cause and explain from there. Why do I want to kill myself, anyways? Is it a problem with the world around me or just myself? Obviously if the world was totally perfect then I wouldn't want to kill myself… right? Am I just defective, bordering on the mentally ill?

So I can't directly describe the emotions, and analyzing the cause won't help me. How else can I put my feelings to words? I really could just sit with a paper and pen until I eke out something, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate either. When I'm wrapped up in how I feel, I cant't get anything done. What do I do? I've considered the possibility that it's simply impossible to describe why I want to kill myself and the emotions that I feel. But I don't want to keep staying silent when other people expect an answer out of me.

Please help. How would you describe why you want to kill yourself? What emotions do you feel? Please give me ideas. Thank you.

Can I ask , what is that one thing in life you love the most?

 

[TheRottingContinues]

Can I ask , what is that one thing in life you love the most?

Sleep, I guess? There isn't anything in life that I totally love. That, and good food.