How to mentally prepare mom?

[Hoppybunny123]

Hi everyone, I am looking for some advice on how to prepare my mom. She's 62 and lives alone. She was in an abusive marriage most of her adult life (and still is although now he's left her and moved to another country, only visits occasionally and she's reportedly unsure what to do with her future). She might be at risk for relapse into alcohol addiction or developing dementia.
I'm unwilling to stay alive "for her sake", because I don't think that would really be helping her, but at the same time I'm not sure how to break the news.
I'm thinking of writing a series of staggered e-mails on scheduled send that slowly lead to suicide as the conclusion (sent to her after the fact). Maybe enough of them that she gets tired of hearing about it and just starts rolling her eyes about the whole thing?
Does anyone have an opinion on whether that's better or worse than just cutting off contact?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally speaking, I would say one delayed email after the fact. I'm not sure if receiving a series of them would just keep opening up the wound. May have misunderstood that- did you mean you would send this series of emails all after your death? I'm also not sure how long social media accounts stay active after death- although I suppose that relies on someone informing the email hosts.

Did you mean you mean to tell her you plan to ctb before the event? Also- again- it's totally up to you but personally, I wouldn't tell anyone because I imagine they will feel the need to talk me out of it and will worry about it until it's done. That's me though. You know your Mum best, so probably have a better idea on what would comfort her the most.

 

[actual_fox]

Does She have anybody to live for except you? Are you prepared for her to die after you? I must ask this, sorry. Maybe same as you- she live life of quiet desperation.

 

[wljourney]

Talking about death in general is something our society is not good at.
Talkling about suicide is even worse and you never know how someone else will react.

If you want to prepare your mom before you CTB you have a few options:

- mention that you read an article about some countries now relaxing assisted suicide laws and allowing people with very different illnesses to access assistance in dying. Tell her how you think that is actually really great and humane. Tell her how any illness, even if it's not a physical illness like cancer, can be extremely painful and it's unfair to force those patients to continue living in pain, while others get to leave etc etc etc

- if you haven't been too open with her about how much you actually struggle everyday with illness/depression/XYZ, it's probably an option to tell her. Along the lines "I want you to understand how much I struggle, but I don't expect or want you to help me fix this or that. I want you to understand how these may all be small things and one or the other can be fixed, but the SUM of all makes my life unbearably painful."

Obviously I wouldn't do BOTH. Or at least not closely together time wise.

Family and friends tend to freak out and call emergency services because they want to "help". Which in the end often just makes everything worse.

HOWEVER:
If I misunderstood your question and this is all about AFTER you CTB... send just ONE time delayed email. Don't drag it out further than necessary. There is no use in sending 5 emails throughout the course of 48 hrs. At some point she'll call you half way and freak out because she can't reach you... no. That's brutal.

 

[Hoppybunny123]

Y

Personally speaking, I would say one delayed email after the fact. I'm not sure if receiving a series of them would just keep opening up the wound. May have misunderstood that- did you mean you would send this series of emails all after your death? I'm also not sure how long social media accounts stay active after death- although I suppose that relies on someone informing the email hosts.

Did you mean you mean to tell her you plan to ctb before the event? Also- again- it's totally up to you but personally, I wouldn't tell anyone because I imagine they will feel the need to talk me out of it and will worry about it until it's done. That's me though. You know your Mum best, so probably have a better idea on what would comfort her the most.

I meant to write a series of e-mails, have them send from now until months after the event, slowly explain my feelings about it and then in the final one let her know that I did it months ago and these were all just e-mails aimed to try to make her feel better.

I could just say I feel traumatized about childhood and want to try cutting off contact for a few years and then never reply again but then she might continue to worry and wonder, which to me sounds worse than knowing what happened.

Talking about death in general is something our society is not good at.
Talkling about suicide is even worse and you never know how someone else will react.

If you want to prepare your mom before you CTB you have a few options:

- mention that you read an article about some countries now relaxing assisted suicide laws and allowing people with very different illnesses to access assistance in dying. Tell her how you think that is actually really great and humane. Tell her how any illness, even if it's not a physical illness like cancer, can be extremely painful and it's unfair to force those patients to continue living in pain, while others get to leave etc etc etc

- if you haven't been too open with her about how much you actually struggle everyday with illness/depression/XYZ, it's probably an option to tell her. Along the lines "I want you to understand how much I struggle, but I don't expect or want you to help me fix this or that. I want you to understand how these may all be small things and one or the other can be fixed, but the SUM of all makes my life unbearably painful."

Obviously I wouldn't do BOTH. Or at least not closely together time wise.

Family and friends tend to freak out and call emergency services because they want to "help". Which in the end often just makes everything worse.

HOWEVER:
If I misunderstood your question and this is all about AFTER you CTB... send just ONE time delayed email. Don't drag it out further than necessary. There is no use in sending 5 emails throughout the course of 48 hrs. At some point she'll call you half way and freak out because she can't reach you... no. That's brutal.

Yes, the emails are mostly for helping her accept the fact that it happened, not getting her to accept it beforehand. I should have been more clear. Thank you for your reply.

Just one e-mail then saying plainly that it happened, not several over a period of a few months.

 

[wljourney]

Uhm... I am not sure what your relationship to her is and that makes a big difference in how you communicate this to her.

If you don't regularly speak, would she still engage in a conversation and reply to these emails you are sending her?

Just sending timed emails but not replying (because you are dead at some point), is an extremely "one-sided" way of communicating.

You are giving her the idea of being still alive, she may start trying to communicate with you by replying, but she'll never get a reply back (because you are dead). She'll wonder and may even worry. She'll wait and hope to hear from you. And then she gets another email. A new email that again is just from you to her, but you are not really engaging with her.

To be honest... that's not a healthy way of communicating and if you have experienced C-PTSD in the past, you know best how much it hurts when you aren't given the option of being heard.

Aim to be better than that.
Aim to be better than the people who traumatized you.
Either give her a chance to have a 2 way communication or send one final letter.
But don't play games with her. It will be a sure way of sending her over the edge.

Yes, the emails are mostly for helping her accept the fact that it happened, not getting her to accept it beforehand. I should have been more clear. Thank you for your reply.

Just one e-mail then saying plainly that it happened, not several over a period of a few months.

ahh... thanks, I just saw your EDIT but had already sent the reply above.

I totally understand how we want to protect people from the pain they will experience once we are gone. But I think at some point we just have to be realistic: they will suffer. They will mourn. They will be in pain.
And we can't change that or take that burden off their shoulders.


It's also not uncommon for people who plan to CTB to withdraw from friends and family to make the loss easier on them. Cutting contact can help with acquaintances, but really close friends and family? No. They will always, always, always blame themselves for "not seeing the signs" or "not reaching out more" or ask themselves if they could have done something.

 

[Hoppybunny123]

Uhm... I am not sure what your relationship to her is and that makes a big difference in how you communicate this to her.

If you don't regularly speak, would she still engage in a conversation and reply to these emails you are sending her?

Just sending timed emails but not replying (because you are dead at some point), is an extremely "one-sided" way of communicating.

You are giving her the idea of being still alive, she may start trying to communicate with you by replying, but she'll never get a reply back (because you are dead). She'll wonder and may even worry. She'll wait and hope to hear from you. And then she gets another email. A new email that again is just from you to her, but you are not really engaging with her.

To be honest... that's not a healthy way of communicating and if you have experienced C-PTSD in the past, you know best how much it hurts when you aren't given the option of being heard.

Aim to be better than that.
Aim to be better than the people who traumatized you.
Either give her a chance to have a 2 way communication or send one final letter.
But don't play games with her. It will be a sure way of sending her over the edge.

Sorry, you're right. It wouldn't help her to hear about it beforehand since it would make her think she has to act somehow but I don't think there's anything she could do to help. I'll just send a single e-mail after it's done.

 

[almaranthine]

Trying to understand some things here... do you plan to ctb in a way that your body is never found?? also, do you plan to cut contact with your mom and any other relatives/friends who would notice you have gone missing? I feel like you would have to accomplish both in order to be able to time delay send these emails after your death with no one knowing that you had actually died, no? As soon as your body is found, next of kin will be notified... presumably your mother. Someone will have to identify your body. Perhaps instead you could leave a lengthy document, book-type thing behind to explain yourself and comfort your mom, one that she could read at her own pace if she wants to? Tbh this is something I just thought of now and I think I may consider doing this for my mom.

 

[Hoppybunny123]

Does She have anybody to live for except you? Are you prepared for her to die after you? I must ask this, sorry. Maybe same as you- she live life of quiet desperation.

She has another son, and I guess she was invited to move with her husband to the country he picked to retire in. She has enough savings to live okay on her own but she says she is struggling with loneliness.

Trying to understand some things here... do you plan to ctb in a way that your body is never found?? also, do you plan to cut contact with your mom and any other relatives/friends who would notice you have gone missing? I feel like you would have to accomplish both in order to be able to time delay send these emails after your death with no one knowing that you had actually died, no? As soon as your body is found, next of kin will be notified... presumably your mother. Someone will have to identify your body. Perhaps instead you could leave a lengthy document, book-type thing behind to explain yourself and comfort your mom, one that she could read at her own pace if she wants to? Tbh this is something I just thought of now and I think I may consider doing this for my mom.

Yes, where I'm planning to do it my body shouldn't be identified even if it's found, so she doesn't absolutely have to find out.
She's the only one still contacting me, but only over e-mail. Mostly saying she is lonely and wants me to live with her, but who knows if she's being honest or only saying that because she thinks it would be better for my mental health? Or other family members might be telling her to say that, I don't know how she really feels because they've used deception to manipulate me so often. So I would rather just cut contact but I don't know if that's being heartless.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm not sure any parent can be, "prepared' for their kids suicide. That would take a hell of a lot of preparation. Much love to you.