standingfast
Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 21
Back in 2008 I had tested out my "exit bag" way to ctb...I remember feeling so at peace that I had found my out and the test felt so comforting. I remembered that feeling today and feel like I can prepare that again and go.
There is nothing I want here in life anymore.
My psychologist today made a special appointment for me. She normally doesn't have visits on Monday and she made an exception because she knows I am in a bad place (too put it mildly). She normally isn't even in her office on Monday's. She said I can't find a reason to stay because I am too unstable and not thinking right. I said I've been looking for decades, in my thinking brain, and I already found staying won't work. We are at an impasse...she is asking me to try to stabilize more first before I can find a reason to stay and try. I said I need a reason to stay in order to even think even trying her idea is worthwhile. I am not always sure why she is still putting up with me or why I am still going to her if I'm ready to go. I really care about her and don't want make things hard for her or get her I trouble if I do end my life.
How do you try when you see nothing worth trying for? She wants me to stabilize and my task is to try to think about trying. I don't even know what stabilizing looks like.
We use medical conditions to describe where my danger is: like stable, serious, critical but stable, critical, and grave condition. I am hovering near "grave condition". I told her if my means to go were ready, I would go.
We meet 2 and sometimes 3 times a week. We have email check-ins between sessions. And if I am really bad, I can text her or if I am about to end my life I am supposed to call her cell phone directly. I thinks she is getting worn down. She has admitted this is hard for her, because this is hard stuff but she wants to do right by me, she says. She tells me she cares about me very much. I had to text her Sunday night. I asked her to just tell me not to kill myself. She did. Then she said she'd figure out something about meeting as soon as possible. That led her to giving me a special appointment Monday.
We have worked together since January 2014, ten years and like 8 months. We have been through some shit together. She was part of my life.and the first person I officially came out as transgender to. I lost a father and she lost her mother. We are both near 50 years old.
Despite all that, she is still just my therapist and I can't have the affection connection that I have needed and never got from age 4 onward. I see the things my inner child has sought since I was 4. The quality of her love and care is what I need. But logically, I can't get it from her. I can't just go for a walk with her or have a meal or just stop by her house. I understand why. But the child in me does not understand it. The need is pure and foundational. It is like I am dying of thirst and she is the water I need to survive. But it is out of reach. Story of my life. Love and belongingness are always out of reach.
She is still my safe space and she sacrifices a lot to help me. I do know she genuinely cares, but in the big picture I don't belong with her in the sense I am only in her life because I pay her. (She doesn't get paid enough to deal with my drama and neediness.) Until I accomplish my death, she is my only respite in the war that is my life, a safe house.
I am essentially still alive for her because I don't want to hurt her, but I am in a place where that is becoming not good enough. I am here because I have to be, not because I want to be.
There is nothing I want here in life anymore.
My psychologist today made a special appointment for me. She normally doesn't have visits on Monday and she made an exception because she knows I am in a bad place (too put it mildly). She normally isn't even in her office on Monday's. She said I can't find a reason to stay because I am too unstable and not thinking right. I said I've been looking for decades, in my thinking brain, and I already found staying won't work. We are at an impasse...she is asking me to try to stabilize more first before I can find a reason to stay and try. I said I need a reason to stay in order to even think even trying her idea is worthwhile. I am not always sure why she is still putting up with me or why I am still going to her if I'm ready to go. I really care about her and don't want make things hard for her or get her I trouble if I do end my life.
How do you try when you see nothing worth trying for? She wants me to stabilize and my task is to try to think about trying. I don't even know what stabilizing looks like.
We use medical conditions to describe where my danger is: like stable, serious, critical but stable, critical, and grave condition. I am hovering near "grave condition". I told her if my means to go were ready, I would go.
We meet 2 and sometimes 3 times a week. We have email check-ins between sessions. And if I am really bad, I can text her or if I am about to end my life I am supposed to call her cell phone directly. I thinks she is getting worn down. She has admitted this is hard for her, because this is hard stuff but she wants to do right by me, she says. She tells me she cares about me very much. I had to text her Sunday night. I asked her to just tell me not to kill myself. She did. Then she said she'd figure out something about meeting as soon as possible. That led her to giving me a special appointment Monday.
We have worked together since January 2014, ten years and like 8 months. We have been through some shit together. She was part of my life.and the first person I officially came out as transgender to. I lost a father and she lost her mother. We are both near 50 years old.
Despite all that, she is still just my therapist and I can't have the affection connection that I have needed and never got from age 4 onward. I see the things my inner child has sought since I was 4. The quality of her love and care is what I need. But logically, I can't get it from her. I can't just go for a walk with her or have a meal or just stop by her house. I understand why. But the child in me does not understand it. The need is pure and foundational. It is like I am dying of thirst and she is the water I need to survive. But it is out of reach. Story of my life. Love and belongingness are always out of reach.
She is still my safe space and she sacrifices a lot to help me. I do know she genuinely cares, but in the big picture I don't belong with her in the sense I am only in her life because I pay her. (She doesn't get paid enough to deal with my drama and neediness.) Until I accomplish my death, she is my only respite in the war that is my life, a safe house.
I am essentially still alive for her because I don't want to hurt her, but I am in a place where that is becoming not good enough. I am here because I have to be, not because I want to be.
