Early/mid 20s, f.
Likes really nerdy things (birding, sciences, DND)
Have ASD and have anxiety because of it
Can't drive very well (trying to work on that)
Realizing that my friends think I'm childish because I can't drive (and need to rely on a ride), and they may not be very good friends
How do I make new friends? I feel like it may be too late for me or that I'm too weird but I'm hoping it isn't the case.
You're not too late. Think about this: being, for example, 28, is inevitable. You can decide to be 28 and lonely or 28 and have friends. Time will pass no matter what. It's just what future do you want?
Gosh, I've learned so much about communication! I'll tell you what I know from my own experiences.
1. Try to have the conversation be back-and-forth, 1-2 sentences per response. It should usually be about 1-2 sentences at first and then a 1-2 sentence response and so on on average. You can do more than that if you want, but do this very rarely. Lots of people don't like to sit and listen to an entire rant. I'm a ranter, and you don't want to spend too much time blabbing away lol.
2. Have the mentality of being interested in learning about the person. It makes questions a lot easier. When you convince yourself that you want to learn more about this person, the entire process feels a lot more natural.
3. Remember that communication is 90% body language and tone of voice. The words literally do not matter. You can quite literally ask anything or say anything, and if you say it in a confident, relaxed way, you will not look awkward. Awkwardness is 100% through your tone of voice and body language. If I'm like, "Hey," in an almost whisper-type voice, clearly looking unconfident with no eye contact, "how are you?" and talk very quickly, that's going to cause the awkwardness. The words were never awkward on their own. In recap: the solution to not be awkward is to act confident in your body language and tone of voice. Things to take into account are: speak at a normal pace with normal voice projection, have good posture, do not use too many gestures unless you have practiced using them because they can make you look weird if they look unnatural, smile to seem more approachable and friendly and keep the smile as you're chatting because it even changes how you sound (I even smile while doing private phone calls, especially business, because it makes a difference in how you sound!!!). You don't need to be hardcore smiling the entire time. I'd say I do like a little smile (mouth closed but like a little grin) when I'm listening and not talking and when I start talking, I'll smile. It makes you look friendly and not uncanny.
4. Ask questions. Literally any casual question. Remember, you convinced yourself to want to learn more about this person. You can ask things like, "What are your favorite hobbies?" or maybe even "Are you an older sibling or a younger sibling?" I mean LITERALLY ANYTHING!!! LOL Don't ask about anything personal though. Personal means something that could cause an emotional reaction. You can still talk about things that the person likes, but don't talk about things that could be related to negative emotions unless they're not super serious.
5. When they answer, there are two steps for conversation: give a reaction and then give a response based on what your connection is or what your opinion is before asking another follow-up question or even just a random conversation if you feel like it.
A. Giving a reaction: "Wow, that sounds so hard." "That's so cool, I didn't know that about you!" Literally any reaction. And you can be authentic with this, too. Ways to also react is by squinting your eyes like as if you're thinking and also nodding your head. These are the best mechanisms to make someone feel like you're listening to what you're saying. Squinting eyes is more of an intense thing of "wow, hmm" and nodding is like a friendly way of agreeing. I'd say you can squint more than you can nod. If you nod too much, you can look like a damn bobble head and it seems unnatural as if you're trying to make someone like you. If you squint too much, you can look too intense. Doing a balance is great. I'd say do a mini double nod and a squint at the same time but hold the squint for a couple seconds, then maybe do another little mini double nod after the squinting tapers off. Just play around with it.
B. Connection or literally any response you want: "I love this anime series very similar to the one you're talking about because of XYZ." I mean you can literally say anything off the top of your mind.
C. Follow-up question or just a random question: "What's your favorite anime?" (I don't even watch anime why do i keep making it an example LMAOO) "Also, have you heard about the weather coming up next week?"
It takes a while to pick up social skills, but you just need to practice. It took me a couple of months of regular practice to feel more normal about using all this stuff. I honestly needed to logically learn social skills because I was in a horrible friend group that constantly ignored me to the point where I was extremely socially deprived throughout school, so I feel like I lost my social skills because of that rip. However, it's absolutely reparable!
Also, don't talk too much about your special interests in conversations. I AM GUILTY OF THIS. You're way too likely to get super carried away in what you're talking about and realize that the other person isn't even that interested. Try to keep casual topics and try to better understand what the other person likes. Don't force talking about your own topics too much unless they ask. You can bring it up a little, but always try to keep your intention on trying to get to know the other person better.
