How to live when you feel like you shouldn’t exist?

[stilhavinightmares]

I don't know how to get past this feeling. I have always felt like I don't belong here. It feels wrong. My existence feels wrong and has never once felt like it is supposed to be so.

How the hell do I keep living with this? I am always just waiting to die, whether by my own hands or not.

 

[inmyhead]

I had this feeling for years. Sometimes it still creeps in. I am the product of an affair and almost died when I was born so I managed to convince myself that I was never meant to be born in the first place so suicide was just righting a wrong.

I wish I could tell you that it goes away. It does and it doesn't. When the feeling comes in now I just shut it down and tell myself that there are plenty of people who are on this planet entirely by accident and I should be grateful I got to exist. I try to see the beauty in nature, the sun, and the sky, and feel lucky that I get to exist at a time when the world is at my fingertips.

Don't get me wrong I am still suicidal a lot of the time. But I think those thoughts almost become an addiction in themselves. The only things that's worked is forcing me not to think them and move on to something else when it starts to come into my brain. I know it's easier said than done though and might offer little help. But you're not alone.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I had this feeling for years. Sometimes it still creeps in. I am the product of an affair and almost died when I was born so I managed to convince myself that I was never meant to be born in the first place so suicide was just righting a wrong.

I wish I could tell you that it goes away. It does and it doesn't. When the feeling comes in now I just shut it down and tell myself that there are plenty of people who are on this planet entirely by accident and I should be grateful I got to exist. I try to see the beauty in nature, the sun, and the sky, and feel lucky that I get to exist at a time when the world is at my fingertips.

Don't get me wrong I am still suicidal a lot of the time. But I think those thoughts almost become an addiction in themselves. The only things that's worked is forcing me not to think them and move on to something else when it starts to come into my brain. I know it's easier said than done though and might offer little help. But you're not alone.

Thank you so very much for your thoughtful response. I am a product of two mentally ill addicts so I feel the same, like I should never have existed. I think we have a very similar mindset as far as coping with those thoughts too. Thank you for sharing; it really is so incredibly comforting because it's a hard thought/belief system to know others may have so I feel very alone in it. I do think it will likely be what kills me though.

 

[martinso67]

I was a wish birth. My parents do not have always the best relationship but it works.
I still feel that way. I try to cope with my hobbies and fulfilling my dreams through my computer and the internet like creating software, websites, etc.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I was a wish birth. My parents do not have always the best relationship but it works.
I still feel that way. I try to cope with my hobbies and fulfilling my dreams through my computer and the internet like creating software, websites, etc.

What is a wish birth? You mean you were "planned"/wanted?

So sorry you can relate to the feeling. :(

 

[Maravillosa]

My parents were not married to each other when they conceived me. However, my father did the "honorable" thing and married my mother after she realized she was pregnant. They did not have a fancy wedding — they just eloped to Las Vegas for a weekend. But they were miserable together — Dad was an alcoholic and Mom has depression. They either fought or gave each other the silent treatment. I cannot remember them ever being loving towards each other. They stayed together for almost 30 years till Dad left Mom for a barmaid. Dad lived with that woman until his death in 2014.

I often feel my parents should not have conceived me. My existence trapped them in a terrible marriage that should have never been. I do my best to compensate for this feeling by planning to do extraordinary things (write novels that will become at least minor classics, I hope!). Thus, I hope to perpetuate my memory for future generations. If people read my books and read about me, that will have made my life worth living (even if I ultimately ctb).

 

[TapeMachine]

I've always felt like I don't belong as well. What a gravely lonely feeling that can be some days...

I'm sorry you know what that's like.. I wish I could offer more than my empathy, but that's all I've got right now.. Also, here is a virtual hug for you:

 

[olearius]

I don't know how to get past this feeling. I have always felt like I don't belong here. It feels wrong. My existence feels wrong and has never once felt like it is supposed to be so.

How the hell do I keep living with this? I am always just waiting to die, whether by my own hands or not.

I don't know my friend. I have severe alexithymia. The actual definition of alexithymia doesn't even really cover whatever is wrong with my brain (probably from trauma). I have no emotional narrative and I can only experience anger and very rarely fear. I can't feel hunger. I can't feel happiness or love. It's like the volume is off for everything except my anger.

I can see people around me experiencing rich emotional narratives, as I learned to identity other people's emotions and how to react to fit in. But I'm just on the outside. And I know I'm missing some fundamental experience.

I am trying so hard to keep going but I'm tired. It's exhausting isn't it? I'm so sorry you know what this is like. I've just felt on the outside my whole life. We can be on the outside together.