How to leave without screwing up your kid/s

[Widowmom]

Hi all,
I'm new here..and basically looking for resources...as well as checking to see if I'm really ready.

I have been on and off suicidal since the death of my first husband 14 years ago (cancer). The only string to staying alive has been the fear of my son being really messed up - I've been hoping something random, like a cancer dx could magically happen, but so far nothing.

If I go now, my 2nd husband could feasibly take care of him until he's 18 - only 1.5 years away, but I am still so worried he would somehow be irreparably scarred. Is leaving a heartfelt letter enough? What about making videos that can be emailed over the next few years - I've heard of a service that can do this.

Lastly, I am so grateful for this site..reading through the different threads...but I wonder if I am in the same kind of pain as some of you. I have a 'nice' life on the surface and probably in general - I think I'd be one of those cases where people would be truly shocked and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. But this ongoing pain in my heart, crying every day..just wanting to be with my first husband...it's consuming me..and I am exhausted. I don't want help - I've tried that. I just want this to be over.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to leave your child in peace?

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

Hi there. Very sorry to hear about your first husband's passing and your subsequent emotional suffering ever since! Cancer is the worst, and can be extremely traumatic, it's the main reason I want to ctb, no other trauma got to me like cancer did.

My first thoughts were that your son is a bit young to lose his mother. I lost my dad at 19 (accidental crash in a race), and it's definitely on the young side where your offspring could be left with issues/scars for life.

That being said, if you feel your suffering is torturous and unbearable and that you 100% wish to exit, my advice would be to talk to your son about it, make him aware of your thoughts/plans, gauge his response and see over time what effect this has on him, while at the same time delaying your ctb for as long as possible, for another 5/6 years minimum all the while keeping him up to date with your intentions. The time and understanding will lessen the trauma factor.

I've always said that I didn't ask to be born and this makes my parents responsible for my wellbeing for life. The world becomes an increasingly harsher place to live, with the 99% becoming bankrupted wage slaves, intentionally. That's not a position you want to leave your son in without parental care. If you must ctb, the least you can do is make sure to invest in a big insurance policy and wait out the 2 year ctb period. Having financial security and independence is vital when your parents aren't around, at such a young age. You want to be able to ctb with a clear conscience knowing that your son will be looked after.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

you can't

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

you can't

Can, but shouldn't. If OP can hold out until her son is 30s+, it would help a lot.

Truth is the loss of a parent is never a walk in the park, unless the deceased is 80+. And as always, circumstances matter.

I take comfort in the fact that a child losing their parent is the natural order, but when a parent loses their child, it is far more disconcerting, it feels unnatural.

Some parents these days aren't as devastated as I would expect. Personally I feel that the baby boomer generation is desensitized, and disconnected from what really matters. It's all tough love and complaining about money because when times were good they spent it all etc. instead of maximizing on their nuclear family - a trap they've been caught up in.