Discussion How to Leave with Minimal Pain for Those Who Remain

[Sinuet]

Hey everyone,

I've been working on this guide because I'm interested in exploring options and details to consider so that CTB has the least possible negative impact on survivors and those who discover the body, to make ctb as sensitive as possible.

I've seen many posts worried about "messing up" their families' lives on top of everything else. Maybe this can help with some of the practical stuff.
I know this isn't perfect. If you have experience (as a survivor, from research, professional knowledge, investigator, whatever) - please share improvements. We can make this better together.

Guide limitations:

• Some points may seem vague, others are generally applicable to any method, and some are SN-specific
• This is written specifically for SN method and hotel scenarios
• I assume you have some money, documentation access, and people who care about you
• Not everyone has these privileges, and I get that
• This won't magically fix the trauma suicide causes - nothing can do that
• Some countries/cultures will handle things differently than what I describe

The reality is that suicide devastates the people left behind. We can't change that. But maybe we can reduce some of the chaos, confusion, and practical nightmares they'll face.

What this isn't: This isn't encouragement to CTB.

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Below is what I've put together so far:


How to Leave with Minimal Pain for Those Who Remain
Comprehensive Guide for Minimizing Impact on Survivors (SN Method)

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1. ADMINISTRATION AND OBLIGATIONS

Why This Is Crucial: Unresolved contracts and debts create months of stress and bureaucracy for survivors. Proactive solutions save them energy for grieving.
List of Energy and Services Contracts:

• Electricity - provider and customer number
• Gas - provider and customer number
• Water - local company and customer number
• Internet - provider and contract number
• Mobile - operator and contract number
• Television services - provider
• Home/property insurance

Reason for documentation: Survivors need to know where contracts exist, in case you are the responsible person

Rental Agreements:

• Landlord contact information
• Security deposit amount and location
• Notice period
• Key handover instructions

Banks and Finances:

• List of all accounts with numbers Reason: Survivors often don't know about all accounts
• Automatic payments - which to cancel, which to transfer Reason: Prevents unwanted debts or loss of services
• Credit cards - limits and debts Reason: High interest on delays can quickly accumulate

Digital Currencies and Investments:

• Cryptocurrency wallets - private keys, seed phrases, exchange accounts Critical: Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies can be permanently lost without access information
• Investment accounts - brokerage firms, retirement accounts, stock options
• Digital assets - NFTs, domain names, valuable digital collections
• Online business accounts - PayPal, payment processors, affiliate programs

Reason for inclusion: Digital assets can represent significant value but are easily lost forever without proper access information or without converting to cash beforehand

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2. DIGITAL FOOTPRINT AND PASSWORDS

Why This Is Important: Digital life contains memories, but also privacy you may not want preserved. Clear instructions save survivors from the dilemma of "what to do with this."
Two Options for Digital Account Management:
Option A: Transfer Access

• Complete list of all accounts with passwords
• Clear instructions on what to do with each account
• Time frames for deletion/preservation

Option B: Cancel Everything in Advance

• Delete all social media before departure
• Download important photos and documents
• Cancel unnecessary services

Memorial Account Settings:

• Facebook, Google, and other services offer memorial account options
• You can designate administrators and instructions for post-death management
• Recommended for main accounts

Reason for specific options: Different people have different preferences regarding digital legacy

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3. FINANCIAL PROTECTION OF SURVIVORS

Why This Is Crucial: Financial problems after death complicate grieving and may lead to debts that survivors didn't incur. An unclear will could cause disharmony among heirs.
Life Insurance:

• Check conditions regarding suicide (usually excluded first months or years)
• Insurance company contacts

Debts and Obligations: Information for Survivors:

• In many countries, survivors aren't responsible for debts beyond inheritance value – they have an option to refuse inheritance if debts exceed assets
• Recommendation to consult with lawyer

Assets and Will:

• Notarized or handwritten will (verify validity under local laws)
• List of all assets
• Distribution instructions

Reason for note about local laws: Inheritance law varies significantly between countries

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4. FAREWELL LETTER

Why It's Important: Farewell letters provide crucial closure for survivors and can significantly reduce their long-term guilt and unanswered questions.

Addressing Common Survivor Questions:
Research shows that survivors typically struggle with these fundamental questions. Your farewell letters should proactively address them:

Primary Questions Survivors Ask:

• "Why did you decide to do this?"
• "How could you overcome your fear of death?"
• "How could you take this step when you were responsible and loved others?"
• "Could I or someone else have prevented this?"
• "Why wasn't my relationship with you a sufficient reason to want to stay alive?"
• "Who is responsible for your death?"
• "What is the meaning of your death? What is the meaning of my life now?"

Key Elements to Address in Letters:

• Explicit absolution from guilt: "This is not your fault. You could not have prevented this."
• Answer the "why" as clearly as possible: Explain your reasoning without graphic details
• Address responsibility directly: "I alone am responsible for this decision"
• Acknowledge their love mattered: "Your love was enough - this isn't about lacking love"
• Give meaning to your relationship: Share specific positive memories
• Provide guidance for their future: Permission to be happy, to remember you with joy
• Address the "what if" thoughts: Preemptively address obvious regrets they might have

Example Framework for Core Message: "I know you will ask yourself 'what if' and 'why.' Please know that nothing you could have done differently would have changed this outcome. This decision comes from [brief explanation of your internal struggle], not from anything lacking in our relationship. Your love meant everything to me, which is why I need you to know this was never about you not being enough."

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5. SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIFFERENT LOVED ONES

Why Individual Approach: Different people need different information and support. General instructions don't help specific needs.

Addressing Survivor-Specific Concerns:

For Partners and Spouses:

• Address: "Why wasn't our love enough to make you stay?"
• Provide: Explicit permission for new relationships
• Include: Financial information and practical next steps
• Reassure: "This was never about our relationship being insufficient"

For Parents:

• Address: "What did we do wrong in raising you?"
• Provide: Explicit absolution from parenting responsibility
• Include: Instructions for protecting other children
• Reassure: "You gave me the best foundation possible"

For Children:

• Address: "Did daddy/mommy not love me enough to stay?"
• Provide: Age-appropriate explanation emphasizing love
• Include: Professional help contacts
• Reassure: "This was about mommy/daddy being sick, not about you"

For Siblings:

• Address: "Why didn't you talk to me about this?"
• Provide: Protection from survivor's guilt
• Include: Encouragement for their own life
• Reassure: "You couldn't have changed this outcome"

For Friends:

• Address: "Why didn't you reach out when you were struggling?"
• Provide: Thanks for friendship without burden
• Include: Request to support family
• Reassure: "You were a bright spot in my life"

Common Themes to Address Across All Letters:

• The "if only" thoughts: Preemptively address specific regrets they might have
• The search for meaning: Help them understand your perspective without graphic details
• The responsibility question: Clearly state this was your choice alone
• Permission to be happy: Give explicit permission to continue living fully
• Memory preservation: Share what you want remembered about your relationship

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6. MINIMIZING POLICE INVESTIGATION

Why This Is Important: Every unnatural death is usually investigated as a potential homicide. Investigation and interrogation of relatives can therefore be traumatizing, even the SN methods and circumstances might appear obvious. To remove any doubt about suicide, leave clear evidence of your intention. Lengthy investigation means repeated interrogations of survivors, suspicion of involvement in death.

Evidence of Intentional Act:

Medical Documentation:

• Copies of all psychiatric reports
• List of hospitalizations
• Documentation of treatment attempts

Decision Timeline with Dates
Clear Suicide Evidence to Prevent Homicide Investigation:

• Clear motives or statement in letter
• Witnesses to mental state (contact on: therapist, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.)
• Video message explaining decision (optional but powerful evidence)

For Quick Case Closure: The more obvious it is that this was suicide, the less traumatic the investigation will be for your loved ones. Police must rule out foul play, so make their job as straightforward as possible.

Specific Wording:
"I hereby declare that I have decided to voluntarily end my life. This decision is my own; no one forced or influenced me.

Personal Information:

• Name: [full name]
• Date of birth: [date]
• Address: [address]

Health Status:

• Psychiatric diagnosis: [e.g., recurrent depressive disorder]
• Treatment by: [doctor's name], [clinic address]
• Medication: [list of drugs]
• Hospitalizations: [if any]

Method and Materials Declaration:

• Method of suicide: [specify method, e.g., "sodium nitrite poisoning"]
• All materials obtained legally are declared
• No assistance from others: I researched and acquired everything independently
• No one encouraged or helped me with this decision or its execution

Contact person (please contact FIRST):

• [Name of person among close ones]
• Phone: [number]
• Relationship: [partner/brother/sister/friend]

Date and signature [Handwritten signature]"

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7. TIMING AND COORDINATION

Why Timing Is Important: Poor timing can increase trauma or complicate practical matters.

What to Avoid When Choosing Time:

• NOT on weekends (longer discovery time, offices closed)
• NOT on holidays (holidays will forever be associated with trauma)
• NOT during family celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, weddings)
• NOT during important life steps of loved ones (exams, job changes)
• NOT during convalescence or illness of loved ones
• NOT during significant personal milestones (graduations, retirement)

Recommended Periods:

• Weekdays (Tuesday-Thursday)
• Morning hours for discovery
• Periods without family or social events

Discovery Coordination:

1. Ask hotel for sooner check out and wake up by telephone to be discovered in the morning
2. Delayed messages to close persons
3. Automatic emails with important information

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8. CHOICE OF LOCATION AND TIME (SN METHOD CONSIDERATIONS)

Why Hotel: Anonymous environment with professional staff who have experience with unexpected situations. Home would be forever associated with trauma for survivors.

Hotel - Most Considerate Location Option:
Reservation:

• Mid-range category, neither luxury nor suspicious Reason: Luxury hotels have greater security controls, questionable hotels may complicate investigation
• Single room, quiet part of hotel Reason: Minimizes number of people who may be traumatized

Property Protection:

• Own waterproof sheet
• Plastic pad under sheet (medical supplies)
• Towels around body in case of fluid leakage or vomiting
• Money to cover damages - envelope with sufficient amount in local currency and note
• Door sign in a language that the person discovering the body (housekeeping staff) can be expected to understand; use automatic translator if necessary

Door Sign (in language expected to be understood by hotel staff): "WARNING - DO NOT OPEN Please call reception or emergency services. Deceased person inside." Placed on second door in the room or on the floor.

Room Preparation:

• Clean, personal items organized
• Letters visibly placed on table (esp. for police investigation)
• Clean clothing, or just underwire (by investigation, you will be photographed and your clothes will usually be taken off in the room)

Optimal Timing:

• Check-in (4:00-6:00 PM) Reason: Sufficient time to prepare yourself and complete the process overnight; you will not be suspicious by apparently late check-in
• Quiet part of week (Tuesday-Thursday) Reason: Fewer hotel guests, faster official processing

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9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS

Why Specific Contacts: In shock, people can't search for information. Specific contacts enable immediate help.

Local Contacts to Research:
General Crisis Lines:

• National crisis hotline (usually 24/7)
• Emergency medical services
• Suicide prevention hotline

Specialized Services:

• Survivor support groups (survivors are 6x more likely to have suicidal thoughts)
• Online therapy services
• Crisis intervention centers
• Religious counseling (if relevant)

Important Information for Survivors: "Some studies show that 80% of survivors can cope with loss without professional help, but 20% need professional support. You are at higher risk for suicidal thoughts yourself - this is normal, but important to address. Please don't isolate yourself or hide the cause of death from those who can support you."

Recommendation in Letter: "Please seek help. It's not weakness, it's a responsible step. The first months will be hardest - it's normal to feel anger, guilt, and relief simultaneously. Talk about it, don't isolate yourself. You may feel the urge to hide how I died, but isolation will make your grief harder."

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10. PRACTICAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISCOVERY DAY

Why Detailed Instructions: In shock, people forget basic things. A specific list provides structure.

For Survivors - Instruction Letter:
"What to do in the first 24 hours:

1. Call emergency services
2. DON'T READ farewell letters immediately - give yourself time
3. Call [name of supporting person]
4. Contact funeral service: [name, phone]
5. Inform my employer - contact: [phone]

What can wait:

• Administrative processing (1-2 weeks)
• Reading all letters (when psychologically ready)
• Funeral decisions (no rush)

Important:

• You're in shock - don't sign anything important for first week
• Let others help with arrangements
• It's normal for different emotions to alternate
• You may feel angry at me - this is normal and okay
• Don't feel pressure to "understand" immediately"

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FINAL CHECKLIST

30 days before:

• Notarised or handwritten will
• Farewell letters addressing common survivor questions
• Password list and accounts, or their cancellation
• Contract and obligation records
• Digital currency access information or conversion
• Find charity contacts for survivors where some of your belongings can be donated (clothing, furniture, equipment)

7 days before:

• Hotel reservation
• Check survivors' financial resources
• Set up automatic messages
• Final document review incl. letter for police

Day before:

• Organise personal belongings
• Signs and markings
• Final e-mails to loved ones (with time delay of at least 1 day – in case your ctb will fail)

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FINAL NOTES

This guide is intended for situations where the decision has already been made, and the goal is to minimize suffering of survivors.
Main Principles:

• No act can eliminate pain completely
• The goal is to reduce chaos and trauma
• Survivors need time, support, and professional help
• Your consideration doesn't mean they won't grieve