Help How to keep fighting?

[LittleJem]

I have tried St. John's Wort. I believe the highest dosage I ever took was around 1500 mg, but it never seemed to do anything for me. I've also tried other supplements like 5-htp and theanine, though nothing has had any discernible effect so far. Maybe I will give lithium a try at some point. I hope you find something that sticks soon.

I ordered the Fisher Wallace headband thing. It's pricey but has a 30 day money back guarantee. No idea if it will work. I also have Sarcosine, just arrived. Again, no clue if it will help. Sucks to depression.

 

[Rosiel]

Thank you Sensei - hope you are well and having a good evening:

I have tried:

- psychedelics - Ayahuasca, Ketamine, psilocybin, 5 MEO-DMT

Could you share a bit more your experience on psychedelics? I find LSA worked really well for me, but as with any psychedelic, it is entirely dependent on personal/subjective experience.

 

[LittleJem]

I shared it in a different post already - it's been quite a mixed bag. Ketamine seems the most helpful - but at the moment I am on something I cannot combine with Ketamine. It's so hard knowing what to do.

 

[Rosiel]

Do you know what about your brain chemistry is specifically "faulty" exactly? This might help narrow down the right meds to take.

In my case, I have been through successive major life stressors in the past decade which caused me to be depressed, so not sure if something is not working from a chemical point of view. What worked and how I have stopped short of CTB up to now is my constant seeking of the answers to "why are we the way we are?" - this led me to a kind of "spiritual path" which helped me put things in perspective. Having said that I will still likely CTB if life keeps on going to shit for me!

 

[LittleJem]

Wish I knew. I do have a book, Change your Brain, Change your Life on my table. I'm going to read it now - thanks for the inspo. It's about the biological basis for brain issues - and contains "brain prescriptions" from supplements to medication. It's by neuropsychiatrist Dr Daniel Amen. Great name, right!

That's good spirituality is bringing you comfort. I have had some spiritual experiences - Ketamine was spiritual, 5 MEO DMT is beautiful - and other than that, I did used to have them sober too....But these days, it is only with drugs. The rest of the time, I just feel pretty crap.

I have always had suicidal thoughts and always been a bit of the odd one out. Some people think it's Bipolar II. I don't know what it is, just so tired of it.

I just had some Damiana. it might be placebo, but I think it's going to get me out of bed. My current medication is helping I guess a lot, as the suicidal thoughts are gone, though actually I still want to CTB even without the thoughts. But hopefully time to get out of bed.

Have you looked into Kratom? There is also Tianeptine. I don't know which meds you are on, just sharing things that I have seen get good reviews. Also Lithium Orotate. I am just testing things one by one. Some people say Tianeptine is good for trauma. It's prescribed in Europe, but not the USA.

Excuse me if I ramble a bit - really sleepy and not thinking straight.

 

[Rosiel]

That sounds like an interesting book! I also found that Dr. Joe Dispenza's book on "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" helped a lot in explaining why certain habits we adopt are so difficult to break! It's because our brain neurons make a physical connection every time we learn or do something, and that connection becomes permanent and automated the more we do it. I have issues getting out of bed before 10 am these days, and I worry that I formed this habit precisely because I've practiced it so much due to the lack of structure as an unemployed/self-employed working on a start-up and some projects here and there which don't really generate money :(

I've always had suicidal thoughts ever since I was young which initially stemmed from a kind of existential philosophy of sorts, but graduated into more of despair-related as I experienced major life stressors.

I am actually not on any meds as of the moment other than the occasional pop of Valium if I get anxious, which I rarely do if at all. I vehemently refused to take anti-depressants even though my psychotherapist did recommend me to do so. I honestly told her the only meds I am willing to try would be a form of psychedelic therapy, but it is so new that it is unlikely they will have it as an official option/line of treatment anytime soon.

 

[Jean4]

That sounds like an interesting book! I also found that Dr. Joe Dispenza's book on "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" helped a lot in explaining why certain habits we adopt are so difficult to break! It's because our brain neurons make a physical connection every time we learn or do something, and that connection becomes permanent and automated the more we do it. I have issues getting out of bed before 10 am these days, and I worry that I formed this habit precisely because I've practiced it so much due to the lack of structure as an unemployed/self-employed working on a start-up and some projects here and there which don't really generate money :(

I've always had suicidal thoughts ever since I was young which initially stemmed from a kind of existential philosophy of sorts, but graduated into more of despair-related as I experienced major life stressors.

I am actually not on any meds as of the moment other than the occasional pop of Valium if I get anxious, which I rarely do if at all. I vehemently refused to take anti-depressants even though my psychotherapist did recommend me to do so. I honestly told her the only meds I am willing to try would be a form of psychedelic therapy, but it is so new that it is unlikely they will have it as an official option/line of treatment anytime soon.

My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and medical marijuana. It's working for me. It needed that combo to work. Taking just the Wellbutrin or just the marijuana didn't.

 

[Final Escape]

The turn off for me with lamictal is if u miss like one dose or two u begin to get severe withdrawal. I mean to the point ure getting sharp pains in your brain. It just wasn't worth how on top of it u have to be otherwise u will be in a world of hurt if u run out and can't get more for some reason and fast. No other drug besides like ADD meds caused such a serious withdrawal if u miss just one dose. Even side effects of ADD drugs are bearable if u miss a day or two unless u really abuse them.

 

[Sensei]

The turn off for me with lamictal is if u miss like one dose or two u begin to get severe withdrawal. I mean to the point ure getting sharp pains in your brain. It just wasn't worth how on top of it u have to be otherwise u will be in a world of hurt if u run out and can't get more for some reason and fast. No other drug besides like ADD meds caused such a serious withdrawal if u miss just one dose. Even side effects of ADD drugs are bearable if u miss a day or two unless u really abuse them.

What? I know many people who take Lamictal and I've never heard of that. Due to prescription mistakes I've been without Lamictal for a few days myself and never experienced any withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. I don't doubt that you experienced withdrawal symptoms, but I'm quite certain that it must be very rare.

 

[Final Escape]

Did u guys know depression is anger turned inward? Supposedly to get passed it u have to do angering work. Like basically u have to release the anger under the surface that u are pushing down and suppressing. Some parents don't allow u to express anger as a kid, and also kill your early efforts at trying to take initiative. Like they destroy your ability to assert yourself and have motivation. I don't know what it means to do angering work but I assume u regularly have to express anger to regain your motivation and alleviate depression.

What? I know many people who take Lamictal and I've never heard of that. Due to prescription mistakes I've been without Lamictal for a few days myself and never experienced any withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. I don't doubt that you experienced withdrawal symptoms, but I'm quite certain that it must be very rare.

Different pple react differently. Wellbutrin made me angry, suicidal, and crying spells so I stopped within a few days. That was scary. I'm unsure if lamictal actually helped or not but when I came off it I didn't really notice much. I was a hair stylist on like 5 diff psych meds and they were not really helping me since the real issue was borderline personality disorder. You can't heal from it through medication.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Thank you Sensei - hope you are well and having a good evening:

I have tried:
- years of therapy - I had psychosynthesis, psychodynamic, gestalt, group therapy... I don't want to total what that cost!!!
- years of self development/healing workshops - some of which helped my childhood trauma/history, but didn't take away the constant suicidal thoughts
- psychedelics - Ayahuasca, Ketamine, psilocybin, 5 MEO-DMT
- every natural remedy under the sun: Kratom, Kava, Polygala, Rhodiola, St John's Wort etc etc

My friend is still recommending me Compassion Focused Therapy. I think it will only help if I have a reasonable medication helping though. He's getting 24 sessions sponsored at a cost of £120 per session. Honestly, I don't think it will help unless I have something that changes my brain chemistry. No therapy can stop the constant suicidal thoughts morning to evening every day.

I have found that nothing helps unless it changes my brain chemistry - hence looking for a chemical that works.

I have always been quite "odd" and not able to connect with people. I used to think it was trauma, but looking back maybe it is autism/aspergers - but I don't have many of the symptoms so not sure what it is. On some chemicals, I can do this better.

Can you go walking? Do you live somewhere pretty outside or can you go to a gym? What gets my chemisty right is cardio until i drop. I cant raise my heart rate bc of my ears right now nor wear headphones and Im trapped not being able to do what I rely on to get right. Plus your body will be exhausted and youll sleep in a beautiful way that feels like a vacation. Get your body exhausted day after day. Drink strong coffee beforehand. Look at food as nourishment and replenishment and only eat the most nutritious things you can find. All that time alone with your heart rate elevated will change your brain chemistry. I swear it may take honestly a few weeks but it will happen. Push push push
It sounds hard, and it is, but its not as hard as feeling so so bad day after day. After a few weeks, your thoughts will begin to change bc your feelings begin to change from the chemistry changing. And physically youll begin to feel stronger which is also uplifting. And its not a competition, its self therapy. So you just go go go, gently pushing yourself, youre in charge. Do things in regard to make sure your ankles and knees dont get stressed. That machine that looks like skiiing is good. The bike. Treadmill is hardest on your body. Id just walk a bit on that and then switch to the other cardio machines to give your legs a chance to get strong to handle the actual treadmill. Id do ANYTHING to not have gone to work that day and have gotten hurt. Id love nothing in the world more than that alone time pushing myself, slowly coming out of the fog and dispair. It helps with anger too and concentration. It will make you feel more in control and powerful.
Its hard. I say I feel this, I dont feel this, lol anything to push through, keep that heart rate up, slow it down, rest a bit, start again. Replay things in my mind, with better responses from me and better outcomes. Listen to music, daydream of different outcomes, circumstances. Push push push. More coffee lol and lots and lots of water with lemon in it.

 

[Final Escape]

Accept your reality and try to find a cause bigger than yourself where u might be able to effect some change. This world needs plenty of people to help other people in some way.

 

[Lonely Music]

I was about to make a post asking about "how to care." This post was up. Does anyone have any advice about how to care about life? I feel like I've been beaten up by life so much that I just cannot care anymore. It's like a defensive mechanism. I would like to care again because that is the only way to recover.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Accept your reality and try to find a cause bigger than yourself where u might be able to effect some change. This world needs plenty of people to help other people in some way.

Yes. No shortage of injustice to focus on fighting.

 

[Sensei]

I was about to make a post asking about "how to care." This post was up. Does anyone have any advice about how to care about life? I feel like I've been beaten up by life so much that I just cannot care anymore. It's like a defensive mechanism. I would like to care again because that is the only way to recover.

It's been discussed ad nauseam in this forum, but meditation has helped many people. It can enable you to live in and appreciate every moment. It's not a quick fix, though. I can tell that you're a restless soul, so you have to try to supress your restlessness in order to get started.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

Lamictal? Do you mean that your psychiatrist will prescribe it to you or that you will find it on your own? It has helped me and every other person with bipolar disorder II whom I know IRL, but it's not something you should experiment with on your own. The producer has, like all med companies, marketed Lamictal aggressively without mentioning the risks. When used in monotherapy, it can engender suicidal thoughts in both bipolars and epileptics. The risk is admittedly small, but it's not to be taken lightly. If you already have suicidal thoughts it can be dangerous to take Lamictal without being monitored by psychiatric care. Also, you should know that psychiatrists aren't always aware of the risks with Lamictal.

I am on lexapro 20mg and lamictal 200mg. This may explain my increased suicidal thoughts. Not officially diagnosed BP but kinda figured. Thank you all for the information. Maybe explore this before CTB.