FlufflesAway
Member
- Jul 31, 2024
- 36
I'm not sure how to word this, but my interactions with therapists/psychologists leaves me in despair every time. Their very position is antithetical to mine: they were able to complete their schooling and they have social-lives. All their 'advice' is extremely condescending. I'm 30. You think I haven't tried to make a to-do list? You think I haven't tried breaking tasks down into smaller tasks? You think I haven't tried to form relationships? Oh, small-talk? What's that. I've never heard of that before! /sarcasm
They all seem to think you developed 'normally', but somewhere along the way something happened to get you off track, and their goal is to get you back to _your_ normal. My normal is fucking chronic suicidal ideation and chronic depression. I've been like this my whole life because my family are demented fucks. There's been no point in my life I've felt included, accepted, joyful or happy. I don't have hobbies. I just have distractions. My body doesn't work. "Reward yourself after completing small tasks!" There's nothing I want! My mind is completely wrecked. There is no executive functioning there. There is no happy response.
They don't understand that I grew up in literal prison-solitary-confinement conditions. I finally looked at some notes from a hospital visit (been procrastinating on that for months). They said I catastrophise things. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I feel like no one believes anything I say. They just treat me like a retard. They get mad at me for being so old and yet so fucking dysfunctional.
"You're 2X years old. Why are you still here if things are so bad." Well, have you tried killing yourself? It's not exactly is. If I was a more impulsive person I would definitely not still be here you moron. I'm fighting my body 24/7/365. I'm tired. Sometimes I just lay in a heap on the floor all day. Ya! Let's hang myself and try and put up with the 'survival instincts' as unbearable pressure builds up in your head. Fucking clueless fucking morons.
I thought I was getting a bit better with the new medication, and I do feel more connected to my body, but that's not really a good thing. It hurts. I feel anxiety spikes now when I'm near people. I flinch when people are behind me thinking they'll hit me for no reason. If this is "improvement" it's too hard. Still, where are the nice things? I just feel the painful things MORE.
All the psychologists I've seen abandoned me, saying I was too "high risk" or you could tell in their interactions/body language that they had given up. I might try again, but I don't know how I can go into it differently to get something _good_ out of it. It's always been shameful, frustrating, and despair inducing.
Sorry, sort of an angry vent post.
They all seem to think you developed 'normally', but somewhere along the way something happened to get you off track, and their goal is to get you back to _your_ normal. My normal is fucking chronic suicidal ideation and chronic depression. I've been like this my whole life because my family are demented fucks. There's been no point in my life I've felt included, accepted, joyful or happy. I don't have hobbies. I just have distractions. My body doesn't work. "Reward yourself after completing small tasks!" There's nothing I want! My mind is completely wrecked. There is no executive functioning there. There is no happy response.
They don't understand that I grew up in literal prison-solitary-confinement conditions. I finally looked at some notes from a hospital visit (been procrastinating on that for months). They said I catastrophise things. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I feel like no one believes anything I say. They just treat me like a retard. They get mad at me for being so old and yet so fucking dysfunctional.
"You're 2X years old. Why are you still here if things are so bad." Well, have you tried killing yourself? It's not exactly is. If I was a more impulsive person I would definitely not still be here you moron. I'm fighting my body 24/7/365. I'm tired. Sometimes I just lay in a heap on the floor all day. Ya! Let's hang myself and try and put up with the 'survival instincts' as unbearable pressure builds up in your head. Fucking clueless fucking morons.
I thought I was getting a bit better with the new medication, and I do feel more connected to my body, but that's not really a good thing. It hurts. I feel anxiety spikes now when I'm near people. I flinch when people are behind me thinking they'll hit me for no reason. If this is "improvement" it's too hard. Still, where are the nice things? I just feel the painful things MORE.
All the psychologists I've seen abandoned me, saying I was too "high risk" or you could tell in their interactions/body language that they had given up. I might try again, but I don't know how I can go into it differently to get something _good_ out of it. It's always been shameful, frustrating, and despair inducing.
Sorry, sort of an angry vent post.
