Death itself comforts me as I believe it to be nothing more than an eternal and dreamless sleep where all is forgotten about, in fact I see it as always better to not exist, only the peace of eternal nothingness is desirable to me. I just fear existence personally and all the suffering it causes, the thought of trying to die going wrong is what terrifies me instead. I just imagine that many who managed to go through with ctb had access to a method they felt confident in and they just got so determined to be gone, I envy those people.