How to find motivation to CTB?

[crystalziline]

Seems like a really silly question and I do not want to be here anymore but I am struggling to get out of bed let alone expend energy on following through with a plan. So, I'm wondering, for others who are numb, how did you find motivation (if that's the right word?) to be active in your CTB preparations? I just feel so depressed and empty (like so many here, I'm sure).

 

[LastNite]

Anger. When I think about how things are going for me I get angry at myself and how I ended up. Which makes me feel excited for the day I decide to end it.

 

[Mooncry]

Being too depressed to kill oneself is so ironic, it'd be hilarious if it wasn't so agonizing. Still trying to figure this out lol. Sometimes I think "I'll start fasting today so that I can potentially take SN tomorrow," but then I realize how little motivation/discipline I have to deny myself the joy of food and I immediately cave. I genuinely question whether I'm cut out for suicide or not. People who follow through with this shit are so commonly called "weak," when in reality, they have balls of steel.