Help How to enjoy being alive?

[aaAAAaaa32]

I dunno if this is more of a Vent or Help post but this may be one of the rare occasions i write anything here (usually i am just an observer)
But today is one of the days ppl usually celebrate (Birthday). But for me it became a reoccuring thing that i cry every year on my birthday since i turned 15 or 16? since then being alive did not feel very much enjoyable and I really wish to just pass away somehow.

And i feel very guilty because i know my parents, especially mom, really try to make me happy on my birthday. Now I am often reading abt Methods, what to do and what not to etc. on this Forum. But I can't help but feel like I want to try being happy again -- in a way??
For me personally it had gone "worse" over the years. There are time periods where I enjoy being here but these usually only occur a few times in a year. Doing SH, being sad, stressed and frustrated is a way more common feeling and as far as I see it, the future is going to be even harder for me (finding a job in a field that Ai takes over). Still i can't really shake the feeling off that I want to give it a shot somehow? Anyone having any tips? As for now, I usually think about leaving permanently (multiple reasons actually) But I feel like i should try making life seem a bit more positive again before do? -- atleast before I do anything drastic

 

[hankly]

find a goal and make a plan, then follow it through and iterate.

 

[SoulCage]

I feel the same sadness on my birthday. I tell people that I don't want to celebrate, because it feels wrong to celebrate when there is no joy in existing. It makes me hate myself even more, because I have to meet the expectations of others and I don't want to.

Anyway about your "you want to give it a shot somehow". When I was at my lowest (a year ago or so) I was also still holding on to something.
Now I know what it was: I wasn't 100% if I have tried everything that the social systems have to offer. I have to fully embrace it to confidently say "nope, nobody can help me, I am just too broken" and then be able to shut up my SI. I also think that it would help me to explain my passing to the remaining 2 people in my life (who still enjoy my company for whatever reason). I can tell them that I really really tried and giving them the idea that it was my decision and that it's not their fault, because they did/suggested everything they can and there is no need to feel guilty or anything.

I am still on my recovery Journey, still got some things to try. But yea... This is just my personal reason to motivate myself, it's different for everyone.

 

[aaAAAaaa32]

I feel the same sadness on my birthday. I tell people that I don't want to celebrate, because it feels wrong to celebrate when there is no joy in existing. It makes me hate myself even more, because I have to meet the expectations of others and I don't want to.

Anyway about your "you want to give it a shot somehow". When I was at my lowest (a year ago or so) I was also still holding on to something.
Now I know what it was: I wasn't 100% if I have tried everything that the social systems have to offer. I have to fully embrace it to confidently say "nope, nobody can help me, I am just too broken" and then be able to shut up my SI. I also think that it would help me to explain my passing to the remaining 2 people in my life (who still enjoy my company for whatever reason). I can tell them that I really really tried and giving them the idea that it was my decision and that it's not their fault, because they did/suggested everything they can and there is no need to feel guilty or anything.

I am still on my recovery Journey, still got some things to try. But yea... This is just my personal reason to motivate myself, it's different for everyone.

ohh i wish you good luck on your recovery journey and thanks a lot for sharing!

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Something I've found to be helpful is the idea of glimmers. These are micro-moments that are the opposite of triggers. The idea is to look out for the small moments when we feel good. When we come upon these moments it's suggested to allow space and time to feel and appreciate them. They came be a wide variety of things - people, places, things, or even patterns.

I started doing this when a therapist suggested it while I was in a depth where I felt I couldn't feel good anymore. I started with small moments like noticing a fluffy cloud or a small flower. The more I did this I became more open to experiencing larger moments. Don't get me wrong, it surely hasn't "fixed" me. I still wish I wasn't here and plan to leave at a time of my choosing, but these little things help me get by in the meantime.

Some common glimmers for me:
clouds, plants, animals (lately I've been enjoying crows. I like to feed them peanuts and watch their silly behavior), the feeling of wind on my skin, smells (I like incense).

When we're able to find some reoccurring glimmers for ourselves we can try to incorporate them more in your life.

I commend you for trying to find ways to make the time you have more bearable.