How to end your life intentionally, with self-compassion and peace

[LostHighway]

I'm an older woman who used to love life until I started suffering chronic severe insomnia. I want to end my life peacefully and with as little bad karma as possible. I'm agnostic and have a concern that if I end my life and am reincarnated, I will end up in a worse life than I was born into. Or, I fear that I will be stuck as a drifting terrified spirit on this Earth. Or I will be cast into endless nothingness. I used to be an atheist, but not so much anymore. I want to leave this earth "intentionally", on my own terms. If there is a higher power, I feel like I shouldn't be punished for my health condition that has made my life unbearable. I don't want to leave bitter and angry and full of self-pity. I've heard the stories of people who attempted suicide and came back from near death experiences. Most felt embraced and loved unconditionally while on the other side. Any advice? Of all the religions, I most closely align with Buddhism. I am not a Christian. If you are a true atheist, I get it. (I used to think that when we die we're nothing more than a dead fly on a windowsill.) But I don't necessarily want to hear from you right now. I plan to die by a bullet behind my right ear. I would choose to live if I could only SLEEP. I would appreciate it if you could limit cynical responses.

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

I'm an older woman who used to love life until I started suffering chronic severe insomnia. I want to end my life peacefully and with as little bad karma as possible. I'm agnostic and have a concern that if I end my life and am reincarnated, I will end up in a worse life than I was born into. Or, I fear that I will be stuck as a drifting terrified spirit on this Earth. Or I will be cast into endless nothingness. I used to be an atheist, but not so much anymore. I want to leave this earth "intentionally", on my own terms. If there is a higher power, I feel like I shouldn't be punished for my health condition that has made my life unbearable. I don't want to leave bitter and angry and full of self-pity. I've heard the stories of people who attempted suicide and came back from near death experiences. Most felt embraced and loved unconditionally while on the other side. Any advice? Of all the religions, I most closely align with Buddhism. I am not a Christian. If you are a true atheist, I get it. (I used to think that when we die we're nothing more than a dead fly on a windowsill.) But I don't necessarily want to hear from you right now. I plan to die by a bullet behind my right ear. I would choose to live if I could only SLEEP. I would appreciate it if you could limit cynical responses.

My question for you, from the Buddhism perspective, if you believe that giving up this life for the karma you get in the next one, is worth the trade off?

I honestly don't know how to answer the question in your headline, as from my perspective as a Buddhist, the life we give up now isn't anymore graceful for the the next we choose to accept.

In the next one, we either inherit our karma and learm from our lives, or wander in perpetual life/death cycles of suffering. In my opinion, that doesn't sound graceful.

From the Zen Buddhism perspective of Bushido, you go out like a warrior. Suicide is revered and regarded as an honorable fate. Their preferred method is Hari Kari - which involves falling into your short blade (small katana/dagger), inviscerating your insides while you bleed out.

I'm sorry if that sounds graphic, but that's probably the closest answer I got for you in respect to your beliefs

 

[sanctionedusage]

im a "true atheist," only because i can't consider anything else seriously due to my own bias & how much I'd want them to be true. I think the most boring, and the most daunting, explanation has to be the most likely to be real. like a prepare for the worst but hope for the best kind of thing. I personally feel pretty satisfied with what I've gotten to experience in my life, especially my childhood. Reminiscing on that helps me feel okay with even the worst case scenario of forever nothingness because I got to live those memories. I get that nothingness isn't the scariest thing to a lot of people, not like being reborn into a shittier life or eternal hell, but trying to comprehend nonexistence is the scariest to me.

edit: also, taking the phrasing of "to live or to die" out of it. dying is inevitable. by not dying on my own terms, i'm not sparing myself from anything. what i should focus on is dying at a time i think is right, in a way i would be happy with, because the state of being dead is always going to happen eventually. a bit of radical acceptance, but not too much, since it's about focusing on what i can control to make the last portion of my life peaceful.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

I'm an older woman who used to love life until I started suffering chronic severe insomnia. I want to end my life peacefully and with as little bad karma as possible. I'm agnostic and have a concern that if I end my life and am reincarnated, I will end up in a worse life than I was born into. Or, I fear that I will be stuck as a drifting terrified spirit on this Earth. Or I will be cast into endless nothingness. I used to be an atheist, but not so much anymore. I want to leave this earth "intentionally", on my own terms. If there is a higher power, I feel like I shouldn't be punished for my health condition that has made my life unbearable. I don't want to leave bitter and angry and full of self-pity. I've heard the stories of people who attempted suicide and came back from near death experiences. Most felt embraced and loved unconditionally while on the other side. Any advice? Of all the religions, I most closely align with Buddhism. I am not a Christian. If you are a true atheist, I get it. (I used to think that when we die we're nothing more than a dead fly on a windowsill.) But I don't necessarily want to hear from you right now. I plan to die by a bullet behind my right ear. I would choose to live if I could only SLEEP. I would appreciate it if you could limit cynical responses.

I also used to love life, before I started suffering from adulthood, lol (and also chronic medical stuff). Sorry to hear what you're going through.

I believe in reincarnation too, so I think your concerns are valid, but I don't think it's as clear cut as any of the following:
* You WILL necessarily be reincarnated
* You will reincarnate into a similar or worse position

My beliefs are quite individual and drawn from my spiritual experiences, which includes the use of psychedelics. But I think reincarnation and what happens there is ultimately up to God (Sikhism comes close to some of my views). Have you ever tried psychedelics? Because some can shed light on one's karma and so on.

Ultimately I don't think we have to fear as much as we do, but I do fear reincarnation of any kind (even into a better position) because I consider human existence to be suffering and pretty terrible whatever position one is in. Some people are better at pretending to be happy and having a good time with life, but really everyone suffers and I just want out of this planet altogether, so that's what I pray for - to go home to wherever my spirit originally came from, and never return here again.

I also think that everyone's karma is more or less 'bad'... maybe karma itself is inherently bad, a kind of punishment mechanism for whatever original sin landed us all here in this world in the first place. No one will ever understand it all totally, I think, it isn't meant to be understood (except possibly after death).

The good news is that, yes, God is loving, merciful, and great (even though that is very hard to make sense of), and all suffering here is temporary (even when repeated via reincarnation). Very temporary, in the long run.

 

[LostHighway]

I think it's worth the trade-off. I literally can't leave the couch except one day a week. I'm completely dependent upon my husband. I'm useless. I can't think, leave the couch or bed except to go to the bathroom. I can't socialize. I can't shop. I exist. Soon, because of the constant damage of sleeplessness on my brain, I will slip into Alzheimer's. It's physically extremely uncomfortable to live like this day after day for years.

I don't have the courage to fall on a knife or sword. But I truly appreciate your thoughtful response. I would love to find an end of life partner to do this with me - but only if they were one thousand percent certain of their decision.

I also used to love life, before I started suffering from adulthood, lol (and also chronic medical stuff). Sorry to hear what you're going through.

I believe in reincarnation too, so I think your concerns are valid, but I don't think it's as clear cut as any of the following:
* You WILL necessarily be reincarnated
* You will reincarnate into a similar or worse position

My beliefs are quite individual and drawn from my spiritual experiences, which includes the use of psychedelics. But I think reincarnation and what happens there is ultimately up to God (Sikhism comes close to some of my views). Have you ever tried psychedelics? Because some can shed light on one's karma and so on.

Ultimately I don't think we have to fear as much as we do, but I do fear reincarnation of any kind (even into a better position) because I consider human existence to be suffering and pretty terrible whatever position one is in. Some people are better at pretending to be happy and having a good time with life, but really everyone suffers and I just want out of this planet altogether, so that's what I pray for - to go home to wherever my spirit originally came from, and never return here again.

I also think that everyone's karma is more or less 'bad'... maybe karma itself is inherently bad, a kind of punishment mechanism for whatever original sin landed us all here in this world in the first place. No one will ever understand it all totally, I think, it isn't meant to be understood.

The good news is that, yes, God is loving, merciful, and great (even though that is very hard to make sense of), and all suffering here is temporary (even when repeated via reincarnation). Very temporary, in the long run.

I've cobbled together my own belief system after years of research and still haven't a clue what's going to happen after we die. I don't believe in original sin. I wish I could try psychedelics but can't sleep enough to do them. I like your last paragraph. I hope it's true. I try to be a good person. I'm full of compassion for others. I've made some horrible mistakes in my life, but hope I've made up for them through genuine acts of kindness. I do have a husband who would be devastated if I committed suicide. But he would certainly understand, because he, more than anyone, witnesses my daily suffering and feels helpless that he can do nothing to help me. He will move on.

im a "true atheist," only because i can't consider anything else seriously due to my own bias & how much I'd want them to be true. I think the most boring, and the most daunting, explanation has to be the most likely to be real. like a prepare for the worst but hope for the best kind of thing. I personally feel pretty satisfied with what I've gotten to experience in my life, especially my childhood. Reminiscing on that helps me feel okay with even the worst case scenario of forever nothingness because I got to live those memories. I get that nothingness isn't the scariest thing to a lot of people, not like being reborn into a shittier life or eternal hell, but trying to comprehend nonexistence is the scariest to me.

edit: also, taking the phrasing of "to live or to die" out of it. dying is inevitable. by not dying on my own terms, i'm not sparing myself from anything. what i should focus on is dying at a time i think is right, in a way i would be happy with, because the state of being dead is always going to happen eventually. a bit of radical acceptance, but not too much, since it's about focusing on what i can control to make the last portion of my life peaceful.

I'm so happy that you have cherished childhood memories.

I think a lot like you most of the time. The vaguely spiritual side of me doesn't want to suffer after death because of taking my life. A loving higher power, if it exists, should surely forgive me though. If there is nothingness, it will be like it was the 13.7 billion years that existed before us. But I take little comfort in that.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I literally can't leave the couch except one day a week. I'm completely dependent upon my husband. I'm useless. I can't think, leave the couch or bed except to go to the bathroom. I can't socialize. I can't shop. I exist.

I know about this. I'm dependent on my dad. I still leave a few hours/day, but my job performance is very low and it's painful. Today has been couchbound scrolling. Suicidal ideation with occasional teases of religious conversion. Whatever produces a moment of calm. My mind is shot.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

If you are a true atheist, I get it. (I used to think that when we die we're nothing more than a dead fly on a windowsill.) But I don't necessarily want to hear from you right now.

I'm an atheist, but I respect those who aren't or who have supernatural tendencies, etc. This mechanism (life) is a mind-crusher by nature. It's not easy.