Discussion How to difference between being in denial and being melodramatic?

[Dainhla]

Since child, I've been told that I was too melodramatic. And now I really don't know whether that's right or not. Last year I attempted suicide but failed (ofc) and this year I've experienced a very rough time under a sad and hopeless feeling that I think that might have been depression. During that time I have been SHing several times each day, cutting every time more deeply hoping that I casually touch any wrist artery.

But the thing is that I cannot distinguish whether I have metal issues or not. Sometimes I question myself seriously if my suicidal ideations and my future plan to CTB (that it's very specific, I've planned and wrote down all the steps that I need to follow to achieve my goal) is just some kind of lie that I've convinced myself to think that I believe, so I can seek attention of other people. Hmmm, I don't know if I'm explaining myself well.

It's like a felling that makes me think that I'm just copying all the manners and ways of thinking that a depressed or suicidal person would have. There are moments in my life where I see all the things that I've done to myself; the things that I've think about myself or the many times I've thought about my suicide, and all of that I see it as an excuse to seek attention. I tell to myself: "No, you don't need therapy or any type of drugs to help your inexistant depression. You're only a little girl wanting to be the main character all the time. You're a liar, a copycat and a narcissist person. You're not even suicidal. You only play with the idea of a suicide that you know you will not ever commit because of your lack of braveness. You're a coward"

Do anyone feel also like this?

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe I'm similar? Some think I'm melodramaaaaatic for wanting better than the anti-imagination this world offers by default. With their oh-so-important dumb art that's just 95% genre & 5% message. (And that "message" usually wasn't necessary for me to hear tbh)

Without a Cause, it doesn't even feel fun to create a new world

"... You're only a little girl wanting to be the main character all the time. You're a liar, a copycat and a narcissist person. You're not even suicidal. ..."

Well, we ARE characters in a story. Set in a period where your species may destroy itself. Most people wanna be NPCs. Seems you don't

 

[Aisley]

Really doubt you're a narcissist, since you're appraising yourself with such questions. Those questions are good signs, showing you wanf to improve and learn from mistakes and successes in life. Not everyone can do that. Do you show off the scars or do you hide them? The list you wrote out, is it so well hidden that you don't even worry when you go out? Or is it on your nightstand?
There's nothing wrong with wanting attention, it's a survival instinct carried up from infancy, and it never really gets outgrown by most. And depression is really quite common, something many people simply live with. A diagnosis might help, but good luck requesting one without getting a bunch more accusations thrown at you.

 

[Dainhla]

Do you show off the scars or do you hide them?

I hide them most of the time. I try to wear long sleeves and when the weather is too hot and wearing long sleeves could make people suspicious I show my forearms, but always wear a bracelet in my right wrist, so they are not that noticeable. But I've to also accept that sometimes I want certain people to see them, because I feel like they could help me, but when I try to show them my scars in a "casual way" I regret the only thought of wanting that attention, so I immediately cover them again or if they've already saw them I just lie to them with something stupid like "I've this because of an incident with a cat last year". My family know about my suicide attempt, because, in fact they were who treated my wrists wounds when I tried to end it all. So I just cut in the same places, this way, when good weather comes and I take off my bracelet they see similar scars in the same place and they don't ask anything thinking that they are the scars from last year. My suicide scars were deep and, although I couldn't hit any artery, I should have gone to the hospital to put stitches in my wounds, so the new SH scars when they are too deep they just seem as the suicide ones.

The list you wrote out, is it so well hidden that you don't even worry when you go out? Or is it on your nightstand?

I have my list and my suicide letter written in my computer well hidden under different passwords. I plan to print my suicide letter the same day that I plan to CTB, so I don't have any possibilities of failure by interruption.

I can't really tell if I want help or not 'cause when somebody asks me "are you okay?", which is a thing that tends to occur almost everyday, I lie so automatically and so fast that I can't even process if I want or not to say the truth. But as after they asked and after they heard "I'm fine" they seem so indifferent, I just accept that they don't really care. They never will.

It's getting so hard to lie... My family has started to notice it too. They make fun of my sudden changes of humour (in a nice way, I think) saying that I am bipolar or something like that 'cause maybe at one time I'm feeling super good and out of the blue I remember that nobody cares, that I'm worthless, that I've no future, that I'm not funny, not interesting, that I'm a waste of money and space...

And all those things make me feel so low that I can't even smile or talk. There are days were I just wake up in that mood and smiling gets so damn hard. I try so bad to hide that sadness, but the hopeless feeling wins over me. I can't force myself to feel good anymore.

I just want to stop suffering for nothing. I know that there are people out there having worse lives and they still force themselves to not give up and continue. But that only reminds me that I am so coward and so lazy, wanting rather to CTB instead of trying even harder of what every single day I try.

 

[Aisley]

Still, there is nothing wrong with wanting attention. The problem is that there's a scenario in your head, where you reach out, and the proper or just desired reaction follows, and this is never what happens irl. Apathy is a common reaction. But if they decide help is needed, it will never match up with how it played out in your head. You really have to take steps for people here, and tell them exactly what you want from them, cuz they have no goddam idea.

And aside from that, character development is what makes up a personality, and that only comes with experience, which sadly comes with living. It's a rough trade, and it seems like you're short-changing yourself here, just off the little you've written.